#43 Mother urged to discuss issue with daughter

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#43 Mother urged to discuss issue with daughter

Post by Gabby » Fri Apr 08, 2005 11:57 am

#43 Mother urged to discuss issue with daughter / Get thee to a communicologist

Dear Ann Landers: Last week, while cleaning my 19 year-old daughter’s bedroom, I came across material that made me think she has had an abortion. I was devastated. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, but this was my grandchild, Ann. I am grieving for the loss and have been unable to talk to my daughter about it.

I wish she had come to me when she learned that she was pregnant, but there is nothing I can do about it now. Should I bring up the subject? I am so sad, I cannot get over it. Please tell me what to do. — Mom in Iowa

Dear Mom: You may be mistaken about your daughter’s pregnancy. Finding material in her bedroom indicates research, nothing more. You owe it to her to find out the truth before you make assumptions. Talk to her with an open heart, and let her know how you feel. If it turns out she did indeed have an abortion, you can be sure she did not come to that decision easily. She is probably hurting, too, and wants desperately to confide in her mother. You can both benefit from comforting each other and moving forward. Please try. Ann

Gabby’s Response:

Hi Mom: You have a problem (an unwanted condition that persists) that hasn’t disappeared with pondering. It reveals there is a lie in the way in which you are defining the problem. When you tell the truth the problem will disappear. It also reveals that you are more committed to being incomplete (out-integrity) than in being complete and whole. This energy-sapping behavior is called an addiction; it produces undesirable results for you and yours.

I get that you are grieving, however, based upon the facts you have presented I suspect you are also grieving for the loss of your daughter. You’ve had the profound realization that you have lost your ability, my guess is that you never had it, to be in communication with your daughter—that you have been stuck doing your imitation of a mother-daughter relationship. It is sad, that you can’t share your most profound thoughts with your daughter. For certain you've taught her to withhold also.

Let’s assume that your self is smarter than your mind and that the real you (your self) wouldn’t spend minutes, hours, or days worrying over an assumption. From whom did you learn this energy-sapping behavior, of holding on to an unwanted/persistent thought? No doubt it began with a childhood conversation, most likely with a parent, from which you have not recovered. Thereafter you adopted this withholding pattern. It shuts down spontaneity. It shuts down communication. Those around you have no choice but to withhold their choice of thoughts and do their imitation of communication with you.

Pregnant, abortion or not, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have been given another chance. Get thee, not to a nunnary, but to a communicologist. Ask for support in identifying barriers you have to being the space in which open, honest, and spontaneous communication takes place, this will include acknowledging and disappearing the fear you have in your relationship with your daughter and completing your relationship with your parents.

If she did have an abortion it would work for you to acknowledge, no matter what you believe, that you were not a safe space for the truth to be told.

You have the potential to be an awesome grandmother. It’s very exciting. Gabby

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