#46 Happy except for wife's sex problem

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#46 Happy except for wife's sex problem

Post by Gabby » Fri Apr 08, 2005 11:39 am

#46 Happy except for wife's sex problem / Blame wife for my intercourse skills

Dear Annie: I am a 37-year-old man who has been happily married for two years, except for one thing—my sex life. When I first met “Stella,” my heart was taken. We agreed, however, to wait until we were married to have sex—a mistake I wish I could undo. I knew there was a problem on our wedding night.

How could someone be so in love only to discover there is no sexual chemistry? To compound the situation, Stella is a devout Catholic and feels divorce is not an option.

We have tried seeing a counselor, but you can't make chemistry appear by magic. Should I have an affair to quell my sexual desires and remain married? Or do I devastate her and end the marriage? TRAPPED IN COLORADO

Dear Trapped: Don't give up so quickly. Stella is inexperienced and possibly reluctant to show more passion. She could benefit from some education.

Talk to Stella about your sexual likes and dislikes, and encourage her to do the same. Check out some books on the subject. Rent some videos. Ask your counselor to refer you to a sex therapist, or send a self-addressed, stamped enveloped to the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), P.O. Box 5488, Richmond VA 23220-0048 (http://WWW.assect.org" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;). Good Luck ANNIE


Gabby’s Response:

Hi Trapped: Do you get that all lies and all truths have consequences, even the lies we are unaware of until later? I don't get “happy.” I do get “in love.” We're going for specific results so it works to be precise using accurate words. My guess is what would have been the truth is, “...for the most part I am enjoying my relationship and I experience several moments of happiness per day/week,...” It's not by accident that you used the word “feels” in “...feels divorce is not an option.” Her position about divorce is is not a feeling. It's a decision based on a doctrine which has become a vow. You are not clear about the distinction between feelings and thoughts. You were unconscious, running on auto-blame when you wrote that sentence.

Are you sure “we” agreed? You may be paying for compromising your own belief system—for reasons. Most couples who opt for such a path discuss, what shall we do if we find out sex sucks? And thousands of similar conversations, which of themselves are essential and titillating foreplay, and coincidentally ensure terrific sex.

Re: “I knew there was a problem on our wedding night.” Nope, your problem with intercourse began long before you met her. Your letter reveals you are pointing the finger in the wrong direction. It's called blame.

Love is a function of, a by-product of, communication. No matter what you think or believe you are not in communication with your wife. You are withholding certain thoughts. Thoughts withheld, for reasons, serve as barriers to the experience of communication and therefore, love. Love as a concept can be there but not as an experience. For example: Did you tell her that you're so unhappy with her that you were going to write to me? Have you told her you're having thoughts about having an affair? I doubt it.

Another barrier to experiencing intercourse is one's addiction to blame. You say you “tried” seeing a counselor. Your use of the word “tried” reveals you were intent on making sure the counselor also failed with you. We know this by the results. Your use of the word “you” instead of “I” in “...but you can't make chemistry appear by magic” reveals that you dragged Stella to counseling from the point of view that there must be something wrong with her.

What will work is to tell a communicologist, “I don't seem to be able to inspire my wife to want sexual intercourse. I seem to be missing some intercourse skills.” Only then you will get to the source of this problem you are creating.

That you ask about an “affair” suggests that part of the problem has to do with your integrity. For a person of integrity an affair is not an option, just as divorce is not an option for her. You could be experiencing the consequences of a premeditated perpetration. Some partners don't know what keeps them from being turned on, they only know something is out, something is missing or added (withholds/non verbalized thoughts).

When one's integrity is out it serves as a barrier to the experience of intercourse.

Leave/divorce her and you'll take your communication problem with you into the next relationship. Because of your addiction to being right you would probably create your new partner to be great in bed, so as to make Stella wrong, but have dissatisfactions in other areas from other communications.

I don't get that it's a problem for Stella. You made no mention of her going to a therapist alone so as to save her marriage. I suspect she thinks you're the one with the problem. Blamers always attract blamers. I don't get that she has a sense of how un-fulfilling the relationship is to you. If she knew you were entertaining ideas of a divorce and of having an affair she would know how bad the problem is. Then she could get the effects of her communication model.

One suggestion is to talk about this with each of your parents. There are certain conversations you were supposed to have with both that you have yet to have. You are still back at age 15 when it comes to intercourse, too proud, too arrogant, and too ashamed to talk about sex with your mother and with your father. Once you've had your essential conversations you'll have disappeared dozens of barriers between you and your wife. If you approach your parents with the problem, from responsibility (don't allow them to sucker you into blaming Stella), then you can share the conversations with your wife, she'll share in the value.

Another option is to do the http://www.managercoaching.com/relationships Relationship Communication-Skills Tutorial. Great question! Thank you, Gabby

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