#48 Concerns about my boyfriend's friends

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#48 Concerns about my boyfriend's friends

Post by Gabby » Fri Apr 08, 2005 11:06 am

#48 Concerns about my boyfriend's friends / Abuse addict blaming boyfriend

Dear Prudie: Can two people have a long-lasting relationship if one of them doesn’t like the other’s friends? My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We love each other. However, I don’t like his friends.

They are the sort of people who, if you mention you like the back street Boys, will exclaim, "Oh no, ‘N Sync is really the best boy band." And once one of them mimicked me while I was telling a story.

Some of them have been friends with my boyfriend since elementary school. I’ve told him that I refuse to be with his friends anymore, and he’s OK with that, but I’m worried about the implications for our relationship. —WORRIED

Dear Wor: It means you have very different tastes in the kinds of people you enjoy being with. There is something, however, about longtime friends that gives them special status.
The real test for your relationship is this: Do the friends you’ve made together suit both of you? A couple with totally different criteria for selecting friends does not have the best chance for a smooth future. —PRUDIE, COMPATIBILITY


Gabby’s Response:

Hi Wor: Great question to be asking during this phase of the relationship.
You are fortunate to discover now that you are addicted to abuse, to abusing and to being abused.

An actualized woman would have put a stop mid-sentence at the very first expression of abuse. She would have somehow communicated, with a look, or comportment/demeanor, or words, (if powerful and clear about abuse, through intention), that such behavior was unacceptable around her. If all failed she would have announced she was leaving.

If you were complete with your experience of abuse such behavior around you would be unthinkable. At best it was a set-up—they were unconsciously hoping you were mature and confident enough to catch/stop them. Your silence communicated that you are unworthy of respect and therefore you caused (unconsciously intended) the abuse to escalate, so as to have this conversation. Brilliant of you yes?

Notice that you chose a boyfriend equally addicted to, and supportive of, abuse. He is oblivious (it’s called in-denial) to the abuse others inflict upon the one he "loves." That you couldn’t recognize the behavior as abusive says that you also are in denial. That he didn’t stop them means he’s an enabler. He most likely would support his parents in abusing you.

Also, you wrote, "They are the sort of people who, if you mention . . ." This is badmouthing and stereotyping. It’s most likely I would have gotten a different response. A conscious person, one intent on relating the facts, as opposed to blaming him, making him wrong, would have written, ". . . and when I mentioned that . . ."

That you were unconscious and chose (magnetically attracted) such a man, and that you were virtually incapable of nipping the abuse in the bud, reveals you need some counseling to get to the source of your addiction. It began with a specific conversation when you were x years of age. You were in the ____ room and your father, or mother, said to you, ". . ." Until you find and complete that conversation to satisfaction you will be at effect of abuse, both as cause and as recipient.

All abuse begins with incident number one and is either sanctioned and rewarded (and therefore unconsciously intended) or it is stopped and cleaned up to mutual satisfaction (completed), to include the statement, "Yes, I get that that was abusive. Thanks for catching it." Else, the incident remains an incomplete for life, effecting all one's relationships. Notice that you're still incomplete about communications that happened back then.

Even if you dump him your addiction will cause you to find another victim to blame for the effects of your communication model. The fact that you have written me suggests that your relationship with your parents is not a mutually supportive one. You need to complete your relationship with your parents.

There are questions that reveal if you are dating a person of similar values. Pro choice? Did Hillary support Clinton in lying to the public? Spanking children acceptable? Prenuptial agreement? The answers to these questions are excellent predictors of compatibility. These topics address where another is about the fundamentals—control, support, lying, abuse, and partnership/possessions/money.

An excellent test is to do The Clearing process (so as to restore and maintain your integrity) and then invite him to do it. Someone who is hiding one or more deal-breaking perpetrations will not accept your invitation.

Here's some conversations to have with him:

An inconsiderate gift to give a prospective partner
Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating, etc.
Must-reads for engaged couples

Thank you. Gabby

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Last edited 3/16/19

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