#39 Waiting for guys to ask me out

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#39 Waiting for guys to ask me out

Post by Gabby » Fri Apr 08, 2005 9:56 am

#39 Waiting for guys to ask me out / Positionality broadcasting warning signals

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl, raised to be old-fashioned. I am very uncomfortable with how the rules of courtship have changed over the years. It used to be that guys pursued the girls. Now, the situation has reversed and girls have become the aggressors.

Most of the guys I know won't ask me out unless I make the first move and call them. They are so used to being chased that they think that if a girl doesn't do it, she's not interested.

How can I encourage a guy to ask me out without being the aggressor? OLD-FASHIONED GIRL IN INDIANA

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: Most males like to be chased. It's flattering, and that way they know they won't be turned down. However, there are ways a girl can let a guy know whoever's interested without coming on like a shark that smells blood.

(1) Be friendly.
(2) Have a reason for calling other than just to talk.
(3) If you share a genuine interest in something he's interested in, let him know. ABBY


Gabby’s Response:

Hi Old-Fashioned: It looks to me as though how you have been raised is not serving you now, at least not in terms of happiness or your ability to fit in or adjust to a modern world.

Some might say that the “old-fashioned” way, men doing the asking, has produced our 40% divorce rate statistics.

One of the disadvantages of waiting to be asked is that you only get to choose from the ones that choose you instead of you choosing from the world's population. Operating daily from this decision (from the French word meaning "to murder the alternative") to wait to be asked out, shows on your face. Your positionality costs you your aliveness, your radiance.

There's another even greater disadvantage to playing the come-and-get-me game. You can't completely experience anything you aren't willing to have created. Your ground of being is to react rather than act. In the process of asking someone out you confront your considerations, you share your thoughts with your family and friends, including your fears, and then you walk up and ask. Ask cleanly, clearly, and from the point of view that it's perfectly ok that they say no (or else they might say yes so as to not hurt your feelings, and not from choice). Thereafter you will have compassion when handling all men who ask you out. Until you ask first you won't be able to completely experience, honor, and appreciate what a boy must go through to ask you first. In communication jargon, you will not be able to recreate his communication.

Let's look at it from another point of view. Why would any boy ask you out? You communicate non-verbally your adversarial communication model. Clearly you are broadcasting warning signals of what to expect in a relationship with you. You view dating as a struggle, between "aggressors" and those who wait passively to be asked out; in your case, if someone did ask you out, you would have won the battle. You'd reinforce your self-righteous position, that "old-fashioned" is good and right. This is an adversarial communication to all men that you communicate non-verbally.

Your positionality will attract a "here, let me help you" control freak. Such men can't attract well-adjusted women so they patiently seduce inexperienced lonely horny women who wear their virginity emblazoned on their forehead. Such men learn early on to use the magic words, "I love you," words that ensures sex; girls/women who don't hug their fathers are ripe for affection. Women who love everyone are not blown away with their first experience of love; they look for a man whom they can love as much as they love their father.

Your communication model is not what you expect in a boy. You want a boy who is open and honest and communicates truthfully. Now is the time you are supposed to be practicing/learning how to tell the truth in the moment. If you hide feelings and thoughts now, as a part of finding a husband, you'll do the same in your marriage when truthful spontaneity really counts. People who hide their thoughts (withholders) always attract those who do likewise. Now is the time to identify where the fears came from and to disappear them.

The boys you know are communicating something of value to you through the absence of invitations. Specifically, it's not time for you to be dating. Keep doing what you are doing, focus on your studies, and continue to reach out and ask questions such as you have. That's how you'll develop the communication skills that will attract your ideal partner. —Gabby

P.S. I recommend a part-time job* and an Outward Bound course, The Forum, or a tour in the military, else, I predict that you will attract a verbally abusive control-freak who will come to disrespect your naivete—that he can control you so easily.

* "part-time job" You want to be able to pay your way for all dates. It's possible that the boy you would like enough to ask out is not part of the dating scene, he probably works part-time and studies.

Last edited 3/17/19

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