#39 Waiting for guys to ask me out / Positionality broadcasting warning signals

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl, raised to be old-fashioned. I am very uncomfortable with how the rules of courtship have changed over the years. It used to be that guys pursued the girls. Now, the situation has reversed and girls have become the aggressors.

Most of the guys I know won't ask me out unless I make the first move and call them. They are so used to being chased that they think that if a girl doesn't do it, she's not interested.

How can I encourage a guy to ask me out without being the aggressor? OLD-FASHIONED GIRL IN INDIANA

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: Most males like to be chased. It's flattering, and that way they know they won't be turned down. However, there are ways a girl can let a guy know whoever's interested without coming on like a shark that smells blood.

(1) Be friendly.
(2) Have a reason for calling other than just to talk.
(3) If you share a genuine interest in something he's interested in, let him know. ABBY

Gabby’s Response:

Hi Old-Fashioned: It looks to me as though how you have been raised is not serving you now, at least not in terms of happiness or your ability to fit in or adjust to a modern world.

Some might say that the “old-fashioned” way, men doing the asking, has produced our divorce statistics.

One of the disadvantages of waiting to be asked is that you only get to choose from the ones that choose you instead of you choosing from the world's population. Operating daily from this decision (from the French word meaning "to murder the alternative") to wait to be asked out, shows on your face. It costs you your aliveness, your radiance.

There's another even greater disadvantage to playing the come-and-get-me game. You can't completely experience anything you aren't willing to have created. Your ground of being is to react rather than act. In the process of asking someone out you confront your considerations, you share your thoughts with your family and friends, including your fears, and then you walk up and ask. Ask cleanly, clearly, and from the point of view that it's perfectly ok that they say no (or else they might say yes so as to not hurt your feelings, and not from choice). Thereafter you will have compassion when handling all men who ask you out. Until you ask first you won't be able to completely experience, honor, and appreciate what a boy must go through to ask you first. In communication jargon, you will not be able to recreate his communication.

Let's look at it from another point of view. Why would any boy ask you out? You communicate nonverbally your adversarial communication model. Clearly you are broadcasting warning signals of what to expect in a relationship with you. You view dating as a struggle, between aggressors and those who wait passively to be asked out. In your case if someone did ask you out, you would have won the battle. You'd reinforce your self-righteous position, that old-fashioned is good and right. This is an adversarial communication to all men that you communicate non-verbally.

Your communication model is not what you expect in a boy. You want a boy who is open and honest and communicates truthfully. Now is the time you are supposed to be practicing/learning how to tell the truth in the moment. If you hide feelings and thoughts now, as a part of finding a husband, you'll do the same in your marriage when spontaneity really counts. People who hide their thoughts always attract those who do likewise. Now is the time to identify where the fears came from and to disappear them.

My hit is these boys you know are communicating something of value to you through their lack of invitations. Specifically, it's not time for you to be dating. Keep doing what you are doing, focus on your studies, and continue to reach out and ask questions such as you have. That's how you'll develop the communication skills that will attract your ideal partner. Gabby

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