#15 Will bisexual husband go straight?

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#15 Will bisexual husband go straight?

Post by Gabby » Fri Apr 08, 2005 9:32 am

#15 Will bisexual husband go straight? / How did I cause husband to deceive me?

Dear Abby: The pain I am feeling is so great it doesn't allow me to even cry. I have been married to my second husband for more than 17 years. This week I found out that he is bisexual and has been having one-night stands during our 17 years together, events that have increased over the past four years.

I know I need to find a counselor to help me work through this. I will start the process of finding one today. My husband claims I am the only person he has ever loved, and that he can stop this bisexual activity if I just give him another chance. Even if he could, and that's my question to you, I'm not sure I would ever be able to trust him again or be comfortable making love which, until now, has been a very satisfying part of our relationship.

With your vast years of experience and knowledge about the human personality, do you know if it is possible, or even likely, that an active bisexual person can stop the attraction to same-sex partners? My husband says he's only kissed one man and that he gets his gratification from touching, massage, etc.

Yes, I'm going for an AIDS test today. HEARTBROKEN IN PLEASANTON, CALIF

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Since your husband is bisexual, his attraction to both sexes is natural for him, and he will always be attracted to members of both sexes. And since his infidelities have increased over the last four years, it would seem that either his attraction to men is increasing, or he is in less control of his impulsive behavior than he believes.

You have my sincere sympathy for the pain you are experiencing, and you are on the right track to seek professional counseling and have an HIV test immediately. —ABBY


Gabby’s Response:

Hi Heartbroken: Focus on communication counseling or therapy for yourself rather than on whether he can or will change. Find a facilitator who will support you in communicating responsibly in this matter. Right now you are coming from victim and blame, it's neither becoming nor powerful.

You'd do well to find out what is it about your character, your leadership-communication model, that begets deceit. Until you are a safe space for men to tell the truth around you, you don't stand a chance of having any relationship work the way you'd like. One important clue, deceit always begets deceit.

In any case, the relationship in its present form is over. Your task is to complete it so as to create space for a new one, one founded on true intercourse (open, honest, and spontaneous communication—zero thoughts withheld).

Just as you have had no choice but to create space for him to deceive you, so too has he had no choice but to lie. Unless he completes 25 hours of therapy, he will have no choice but to continue lying. He's simply programmed to deceive. It's the same for you. You are programmed to attract deceivers and train them to lie to you; no matter how hard you try you'll still cause him to lie to you. Once you've completed 25 hours of (individual, by yourself, living alone) therapy you will begin to get what's been driving you in this drama. Your pain will disappear when you tell the truth.

Hint: Begin by looking for a possible lie in the way you have been describing the breakup of your first marriage. It's a given that you can't sustain the experience of love in a second marriage if you're stuck blaming and badmouthing your ex.

What you have been calling communication (to include sex) ain't it; it's all much more magnificent than you can possibly imagine. And, you needed to have created all this, it's part of the curriculum, a prerequisite to mastering intercourse. Thank you, Gabby


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