#23 Mother-daughter quarrel

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Gabby
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#23 Mother-daughter quarrel

Post by Gabby » Thu Apr 07, 2005 11:06 pm

#23 Mother-daughter quarrel / Daughter creates mess and blames mother

DEAR ABBY: In my 32 years of living, I have spent every Christmas with my family. I am now in a serious relationship. My boyfriend and I recently decided to go skiing the Christmas during our short vacation time.

I called my mother to advise her that we wouldn't be spending Christmas Day with her and my large family, but I would love to come home for Christmas Eve.

My mother hung up on me and we haven't spoken since! She told me I was being unfair and selfish and that I should know how important the holidays are to her. I love my family, but I am an adult and should be able to make my own decisions without feeling guilty.

Isn't it time she let go? What happens one day when I have a family of my own? Is there a right and wrong? FEELING GUILTY IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Your mother is wrong. Don't feel guilty. You are offering a fair compromise by attending the family gathering on Christmas Eve. And yes, you will want to establish holiday traditions of your own in the future. Why not begin now? ABBY

Gabby’s Response:

Hi Feeling Guilty: Of course you are right; and so is she. One thing we are supposed to learn from parents is enrolling skills. Specifically, how to enroll others in support of our plans and projects. You have not learned this yet, so it's not time to cut the apron strings.

To begin mastering enrollment you must know how to create a context for an important communication. A context is the basket into which you put the communication. In this case you should have begun last year. "Mother, I want you to begin thinking about me not spending the whole Christmas holiday with you. Someday I'm going to have a family...." or, "Mother, do you know what I want for Xmas this year, more than anything else in the world? Something that will really tax your generosity to the max. You'll have to give up something you value very very much..."

You say you called to "advise." I say you called to tell her. What you did is called a dump. You presented her with a shocking ultimatum for which she had no choice. You've mastered control, manipulation, unfairness, and selfishness; in one phone call you have become your mother.
I sense there's more here than what you are presenting. Apparently your family gatherings are not as great for you as they have been for her. We have a tendency to want to share great times and to create our own if nothing great is on the calendar. It's possible you have some withholds between you and your mom and the rest of the clan.

I'm also concerned about Mr. Serious. Sounds like what I used to do, divide and conquer. He is sabotaging instead of supporting your mother. Not a smart move. Of course you're supporting him in doing this, so... I'm confused. I'd think it would be, "Come meet my great family. You're going to be a part of it. etc., etc."

The responsible way to describe what happened is, "I got her so mad that I caused her to hang up on me." The way you told it is from blame. Isn't it time "she" let go is from victim. That communication model, (it's called Adversarial,) will have disastrous consequences later on in your personal (marital) relationship.

Lastly, there are such things as implied agreements which are as valid as verbal ones. You did have an implied agreement to spend Xmas day with your family. There is a way to change such agreements so that it works for all concerned. Dumping a threat to break an agreement is abusive, it upsets others. —Gabby

PS. Please show this to your mom and your boyfriend, it will generate some valuable (and essential to the success of your future/marriage) conversations.

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Last edited by Gabby on Wed Apr 20, 2005 11:59 am, edited 2 times in total.

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