#34 Father marrying again creating relationship problems

Post a comment or ask a question about any of the 50 Original Dear Gabby Letters. See index of the 50 letters
Post Reply
Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 455
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

#34 Father marrying again creating relationship problems

Post by Gabby » Thu Apr 07, 2005 11:00 pm

#34 Father getting married again creating relationship problems / Unconscious saboteur

Dear Ann Landers: My parents were divorced when I was 5, and my father married another woman. Now, 15 years later, my father is getting another divorce.

Although I was never close to my stepmother, I did become fond of several members of her family. Dad’s divorce is pretty messy, and he expects me to avoid his ex’s family. Now that they are no longer related to me, should I stop contact with them, I love them, and they are like family to me. Please tell me what to do.—CINDY IN WISCONSIN

Dear Cindy: You are a 20-year-old woman and should feel free to decide whose company to keep. Stay friendly with whomever you like, and make no apologies. ANN

Gabby’s Response:

Hi Cindy: Your request is a set up. You have an unconscious way of relating with people in a way that divides them.

For example: If I answer, dump the "family" members, a large percentage of readers would be very upset. If I advised you to ignore your father’s ultimatum, it would turn the other half also against me.

If your intention is to have something on your tombstone other than, "She lived and died and made no significant contribution to humankind other than to turn family members against each other, without knowing how she did it," then read the following. The other option is to continue believing that you have absolutely nothing to do with the success or failure of other’s relationships.

At some point in time it would be valuable for you to look into the heart of your heart and see if you can discover why the genius in you would hex both marriages. In other words, you underestimate the power of your communication model and of your intention, however unconscious it may be.

My sense is that what you're really up to is to restore everyone's integrity. You are just going about it covertly and ineffectively.

Whenever there is a failed relationship, look for the third party who has a vested interest in its failure. Most often this person plays the role of an ally in the drama. The saboteur is always there if you look with intention to find him/her.

Two clues: Notice who is in your father’s life during both failures. It has to be a person pretending to not be a leader. Notice also who you chose as friends, those who unconsciously sabotaged your stepmother’s marriage, all the while some pretending they were in support of it’s success. There is a way to communicate, to relate, that is supportive of other’s relationships, and it’s not taught in public schools.

"What to do?" Keep doing what you have been doing until you get to the truth about this powerful ability of yours.

Thanks for the great letter. It’s an issue not commonly discussed. Gabby

To reply or post a comment press "post reply."

Post Reply