#49 Boyfriend talked about another girl during sex

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#49 Boyfriend talked about another girl during sex

Post by Gabby » Thu Apr 07, 2005 10:56 pm

#48 Boyfriend talked about another girl during sex / Spontaneity missing from communication model

Dear Annie: I have been dating a wonderful man for about six months. Last night, while we were in middle of making love, "Andy" asked me if I thought his buddy’s girl friend was attractive. I was stunned.

Obviously, Andy thinks this girl is good looking or he wouldn’t have mentioned it, especially at that particular moment. We have an open and honest relationship, and I do not want Andy to think he cannot confide in me, but I’m confused. The poor girl has no idea she entered our bedroom, but right now, I dislike her intensely. What should I do? —RESENTFUL IN CALIFORNIA

Dear Resentful: Don’t make assumptions about how attractive Andy found this girl. You could be wrong. And even if you are right, it doesn’t mean Andy intends to act on the attraction.
If you trust him, forget he opened his mouth. If he does it again, tell him it’s a major turn-off to discuss other women in the bedroom. ANNIE


Gabby’s Response:

Hi Resentful: You ask what you should do. You’d do well to add spontaneous to your "open and honest" communication model. Without spontaneity you’ll never master intercourse. That you knew you were in the "middle" tells me that you have a routine and expectations, and, that you have pretty much the same ending each time.

What works is to co-create what your partner is creating for you, which also happens to be a fundamental of communication.

In a relationship in which everything before and after a climax is foreplay everything works. In tantric sex pauses are desired. Sometimes what it takes to preclude ejaculation, so as to prolong the experience, is dredging up a thought from seemingly nowhere.

It's said that for a relationship to work these days each must be willing to hear everything that has ever been said by everyone who has ever lived. When one has such freedom of expression nothing builds up.

In a relationship in which there is no spontaneity each must stuff certain thoughts at certain times. Thoughts withheld become barriers to the experience of communication and love. Soon each is doing his/her imitation of communication and wondering where the joy has gone. Notice that you stuffed your experience of his thought and tried to communicate on top of “stun,” confusion, upset, and resentment. This is not open and honest. Had you communicated your experience verbally the confusion and resentment would have disappeared. Notice that you are still incomplete. That's called dragging an incomplete into the next conversation.

That you did not get to the truth of what his question was about reveals you are not yet committed to being complete. Gabby

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