#1 Estranged husband spreading lies

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#1 Estranged husband spreading lies

Post by Gabby » Thu Apr 07, 2005 2:57 pm

Dear Ann Landers: I separated from my husband a year ago. Victor was a drug user, and we fought constantly. We have two children, and I felt this was not a healthy environment for them. I am a private person and do not broadcast my personal business. Victor, however, talks openly to everybody. He is gregarious and friendly, and people like him. He told our friends the separation was MY fault. Although I found this disturbing, I said nothing.

Six months ago, I became involved with a man at work. He is kind and sweet, and is willing to wait for me. As soon as Victor found out I was seeing someone, he blabbed to our friends that the reason I wanted out of our marriage was because I had been having an affair with a co-worker the whole time. Unfortunately, everyone seems to believe this lie.

I’m tired of trying to hold up my head up, hoping people will admire me for taking the high road, but no one seems to notice. I am being shunned by those who know and like Victor. Please tell me if there is any way I can tell my side. I feel as if I am being unjustly judged and condemned. – New York Judy

Dear Judy: Remain silent. Remember, "He who excuses himself accuses himself." In due time, the truth will come out and set you free.

I assume you are still married to Victor. The sooner you get legally untied from this loser, the better. Meanwhile, I wish you luck with your new relationship. ANN LANDERS


Gabby’s Response:

Hi Judy: You are right to be concerned about lies but you are pointing the finger the wrong way. For sure he lies, however he is merely mirroring your own integrity.

Instead of the word "fault" let's use the word responsibility. A responsible person would write, "I fought constantly . . ."

You lie and blame him for your argumentativeness, your addiction to wanting to be right, and to making him wrong. This is abusive.

"I do not broadcast . . . " H’mm, except here for the nation to read.

" . . . to everyone . . . " Another lie—an exaggeration to be right.

And, " . . . people like him." Another lie. Some people don’t.

All truths and all lies, even the unconscious ones, have consequences.

Judy, he did not just start to lie. I have reason to believe that you were doing some unconscious looking/seducing before you made your separation decision.

Remember, liars always attract liars.

"I am being shunned... " Yes, I too find it uncomfortable to be around anyone who is stuck pretending to be the victim, someone non-verbally covertly communicating blame.

It would work for you to share with just one co-worker your cause in the matter, how you masterminded the whole mess. It was your karma that attracted a drug user. No actualized women would do this. It means you are equally addicted to relationship-destroying behaviors including blaming, lying, helping, and enabling. You will require equally as much therapy as it will take for your husband to heal. Begin by doing, The Clearing Process, one clearing per day for five days in a row. Use it to recall who, earlier in your life, you treated as he is treating you; clean that relationship up and he'll have no self-righteous person to mirror.

The sooner you get counseling/therapy the less effects your machinations will have on your children. Some women don't seek help because later in life, when their children prove to be incapable of having normal healthy relationships, they need proof, to still be able to point the blaming finger, that it was their ex’s fault. Thank you, Gabby

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Last edited by Gabby on Sat May 27, 2006 9:35 am, edited 4 times in total.

Guest

Post by Guest » Mon Apr 11, 2005 11:27 am

Dear Gabby

You are living in a dream world. Come out of your shell and look around you at the world. Do you come from America or Britain? What is the rate of divorce in the USA? There is no such thing as a normal healthy (you suggest "perfect") relationship.

Kindest regards
David Davies

Gabby
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Post by Gabby » Mon Apr 11, 2005 11:31 am

Hi David:

Thanks for the reply.

There is a way to disagree with another without invalidating them ("dream world"). What would have felt good to read was, "I haven't learned how to have a perfect relationship so I hold the belief that it's not possible." With that no one could argue.

Notice that there is no space for communication to take place. You replied with an argument, a position, which shuts down communication. Were this outside of the context of an educational process, I would, and I would advise anyone else to, reply with, "Thanks. I got it" and then slowly move away from you. You are unconsciously addicted to arguing, and to being right, and to making others wrong. I say "unconsciously" because even after you wrote it your integrity-meter didn't catch that it was argumentative and that it might not feel good to Gabby. However, I'll use the opportunity to offer you some feedback.

I agree with you that my use of the word, "normal" is inaccurate. There are too many definitions and connotations to it. How about 90% laughter and mutually supportive conversations and the remaining interactions, cleaning up unconscious messes? And, all concerned say that from their experience it's working.

I like your use of the word "perfect" because it fits my experience, that all relationships are perfect. This point of view is introduced in our workshops, consults, and tutorials. It requires that both/all parties agree to operate from responsibility, from the point of view that they are causing what the other person is saying to them. Read: To Cause or Not to Cause. I know it sounds a bit flaky but in actuality it works wonderfully well. This model replaces the Adversarial Communication Model that most of us grew up with. It virtually precludes arguing. It keeps to the front of the mind the point of view that you are me.

Again, thank you

Gabby
Last edited by Gabby on Thu Sep 08, 2005 9:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

Phoenicia
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Post by Phoenicia » Mon Apr 11, 2005 11:36 am

Dear Gabby,
I am impressed at how quickly you chose to make a judgement without really knowing all the facts. The only thing you know from Ms. Judy is what she wrote. From that you deducted that she is in fact to blame equally? How do you know she was even using her real name? And how do you know that his name was really Victor? On such "facts" you have drawn a conclusion that she then is also "broadcasting" her life nationally. What if this wasn't the case? What if, by some strange twist of fate, her letter caused us to see alittle too much into your mind?
I don't agree with your assessment about liars attracting liars. I do however understand the that people who play the victim role their whole lives will in fact attract those who will help them maintain their self-appointed roles. To accuse Judy of masterminding the whole event comes from your mind. It is a fabrication (that would make you a liar right? Do you have proof that she masterminded anything? ) and she attracted you to her, and you ripped her apart. Thus the victim role lives on. (That is according to your belief that she is in fact a victim) If it is true that liars attract liars, then maybe you can tell me how it is that you could possibly say "I have reason to believe that you where doing some unconscious looking/seducing before you made your separation decision"? Do you know Judy? What do you mean that you have reasons to believe? This wasn't about you. This was about a woman who is looking for an answer. So if, according to you she is a liar, what does that make you? And if you respond to my post, will you say I am a liar too, or just argumentitive? I say this with questions only. No "tone" or attitude is added to this post. Any feeling you may furnish upon this message will be yours alone. I am simply asking questions based upon your response to a woman who asked a question, and you did not answer. You did to her what she was saying her husband does to her. How does that work? And you offered no real advice for her problem.
As I see it, from the little information she has given us...she stepped up to take responsibility by leaving. If what she is saying is correct, she has left for good reason. Only she knows the truth.
Do you believe that an actualized woman is born that way, or can she develop in the wake of adversity?
When a person chooses to step away from the "victim role" and into the responsibility of make their lives new and beautiful, at times there will be backlash from those around them.

Sincerely,
Phoenicia

Gabby
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Post by Gabby » Mon Apr 11, 2005 11:40 am

Hi Phoenicia:

There's just too much in your post to address. One thing is certain, you are definitely right about all that you wish to be right about. I do have a problem with your signature, "sincerely," that I don't get.

You don't mention what it is specifically in my reply that upset you; that would be of value for you to acknowledge to yourself. All the make-wrong directed towards me was merely your reactive mind. People who are complete with the topics of my replies just get them. Those who have incompletes have no choice but to react and argue. A complete person is able to be with my stuff, or even dismiss it as the rantings of a communicologist. You on the other hand, were automatically driven to spend considerable time composing your reply, which came from your reactive mind. My reply addressed something that is incomplete for you. You are on to something, but it's not about me.

I do know that if you communicate with others as you have with me, the expereince of sustained love and happiness will elude you.

Please do not reply here. It is virtually impossible for you to reply in a way that would feel good, such is your addiction to abusive make-wrong. Do check out the Spouse Abuse Tutorial. It's for everyone, not only spouses. It's the perfect place for you to identify the source of your anger.

Thank you, Gabby

Phoenicia
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Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2005 11:33 am

Post by Phoenicia » Mon Apr 11, 2005 11:42 am

Thank you Gabby,

As I can see from your response to my post, what you say condemns you fully. You say the same thing to every one don't you?

I am not angry, as I said before, I was just asking questions. Questions which you are unable and unwilling to answer. There is no wrong-making, only observations. I am no upset at all by anything you are saying. As I said in my post, any feelings you attach to my post are purely from your own emotions not mine.

I have not been reactive as you may suppose. Since you feel that I should not reply, I thought that I would copy and paste your reply and replace my name with yours. Then maybe my post will be paletable to you.
Hi Gabby:

There's just too much in your post to address. One thing is certain, you are definitely right about all that you wish to be right about. I do have a problem with your signature, "sincerely," that I don't get.

You don't mention what it is specifically in my reply that upset you; that would be of value for you to acknowledge to yourself. All the make-wrong directed towards me was merely your reactive mind. People who are complete with the topics of my replies just get them. Those who have incompletes have no choice but to react and argue. A complete person is able to be with my stuff, or even dismiss it as the rantings of a communicologist. You on the other hand, were automatically driven to spend considerable time composing your reply, which came from your reactive mind. My reply addressed something that is incomplete for you. You are on to something, but it's not about me.

I do know that if you communicate with others as you have with me, the expereince of sustained love and happiness will elude you.

Please do not reply here. It is virtually impossible for you to reply in a way that would feel good, such is your addiction to abusive make-wrong. Do check out the Spouse Abuse Tutorial. It's for everyone, not only spouses. It's the perfect place for you to identify the source of your anger.

Thank you, Gabby
Be well Gabby, because you are the only one that can help you.

Gabby
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Posts: 455
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Post by Gabby » Mon Apr 11, 2005 11:49 am

This thread is getting too long (long loading times).

To reply or ask a question pertaining to "Estranged Husband Spreading Lies, Husband mirroring wife" please start a new topic in "Ask Gabby your own Question".

Thank you, Gabby

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