#1 Estranged husband spreading lies
Posted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 2:57 pm
Dear Ann Landers: I separated from my husband a year ago. Victor was a drug user, and we fought constantly. We have two children, and I felt this was not a healthy environment for them. I am a private person and do not broadcast my personal business. Victor, however, talks openly to everybody. He is gregarious and friendly, and people like him. He told our friends the separation was MY fault. Although I found this disturbing, I said nothing.
Six months ago, I became involved with a man at work. He is kind and sweet, and is willing to wait for me. As soon as Victor found out I was seeing someone, he blabbed to our friends that the reason I wanted out of our marriage was because I had been having an affair with a co-worker the whole time. Unfortunately, everyone seems to believe this lie.
I’m tired of trying to hold up my head up, hoping people will admire me for taking the high road, but no one seems to notice. I am being shunned by those who know and like Victor. Please tell me if there is any way I can tell my side. I feel as if I am being unjustly judged and condemned. – New York Judy
Dear Judy: Remain silent. Remember, "He who excuses himself accuses himself." In due time, the truth will come out and set you free.
I assume you are still married to Victor. The sooner you get legally untied from this loser, the better. Meanwhile, I wish you luck with your new relationship. ANN LANDERS
Gabby’s Response:
Hi Judy: You are right to be concerned about lies but you are pointing the finger the wrong way. For sure he lies, however he is merely mirroring your own integrity.
Instead of the word "fault" let's use the word responsibility. A responsible person would write, "I fought constantly . . ."
You lie and blame him for your argumentativeness, your addiction to wanting to be right, and to making him wrong. This is abusive.
"I do not broadcast . . . " H’mm, except here for the nation to read.
" . . . to everyone . . . " Another lie—an exaggeration to be right.
And, " . . . people like him." Another lie. Some people don’t.
All truths and all lies, even the unconscious ones, have consequences.
Judy, he did not just start to lie. I have reason to believe that you were doing some unconscious looking/seducing before you made your separation decision.
Remember, liars always attract liars.
"I am being shunned... " Yes, I too find it uncomfortable to be around anyone who is stuck pretending to be the victim, someone non-verbally covertly communicating blame.
It would work for you to share with just one co-worker your cause in the matter, how you masterminded the whole mess. It was your karma that attracted a drug user. No actualized women would do this. It means you are equally addicted to relationship-destroying behaviors including blaming, lying, helping, and enabling. You will require equally as much therapy as it will take for your husband to heal. Begin by doing, The Clearing Process, one clearing per day for five days in a row. Use it to recall who, earlier in your life, you treated as he is treating you; clean that relationship up and he'll have no self-righteous person to mirror.
The sooner you get counseling/therapy the less effects your machinations will have on your children. Some women don't seek help because later in life, when their children prove to be incapable of having normal healthy relationships, they need proof, to still be able to point the blaming finger, that it was their ex’s fault. Thank you, Gabby
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Six months ago, I became involved with a man at work. He is kind and sweet, and is willing to wait for me. As soon as Victor found out I was seeing someone, he blabbed to our friends that the reason I wanted out of our marriage was because I had been having an affair with a co-worker the whole time. Unfortunately, everyone seems to believe this lie.
I’m tired of trying to hold up my head up, hoping people will admire me for taking the high road, but no one seems to notice. I am being shunned by those who know and like Victor. Please tell me if there is any way I can tell my side. I feel as if I am being unjustly judged and condemned. – New York Judy
Dear Judy: Remain silent. Remember, "He who excuses himself accuses himself." In due time, the truth will come out and set you free.
I assume you are still married to Victor. The sooner you get legally untied from this loser, the better. Meanwhile, I wish you luck with your new relationship. ANN LANDERS
Gabby’s Response:
Hi Judy: You are right to be concerned about lies but you are pointing the finger the wrong way. For sure he lies, however he is merely mirroring your own integrity.
Instead of the word "fault" let's use the word responsibility. A responsible person would write, "I fought constantly . . ."
You lie and blame him for your argumentativeness, your addiction to wanting to be right, and to making him wrong. This is abusive.
"I do not broadcast . . . " H’mm, except here for the nation to read.
" . . . to everyone . . . " Another lie—an exaggeration to be right.
And, " . . . people like him." Another lie. Some people don’t.
All truths and all lies, even the unconscious ones, have consequences.
Judy, he did not just start to lie. I have reason to believe that you were doing some unconscious looking/seducing before you made your separation decision.
Remember, liars always attract liars.
"I am being shunned... " Yes, I too find it uncomfortable to be around anyone who is stuck pretending to be the victim, someone non-verbally covertly communicating blame.
It would work for you to share with just one co-worker your cause in the matter, how you masterminded the whole mess. It was your karma that attracted a drug user. No actualized women would do this. It means you are equally addicted to relationship-destroying behaviors including blaming, lying, helping, and enabling. You will require equally as much therapy as it will take for your husband to heal. Begin by doing, The Clearing Process, one clearing per day for five days in a row. Use it to recall who, earlier in your life, you treated as he is treating you; clean that relationship up and he'll have no self-righteous person to mirror.
The sooner you get counseling/therapy the less effects your machinations will have on your children. Some women don't seek help because later in life, when their children prove to be incapable of having normal healthy relationships, they need proof, to still be able to point the blaming finger, that it was their ex’s fault. Thank you, Gabby
To reply or post a comment press "post reply."