#19 Should I confront wife's adultery partner?

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anonymous_chicken

Post by anonymous_chicken » Mon Apr 11, 2005 10:45 am

Dear Gabby,
I have an extreamly strange, and fantastic sounding situation, and I'm afraid to tell anyone about it. So I'm wondering if you could give me some help...
Before me and my wife where married, my wife had an extreamly seedy past. This is both of our first marrage, and I was actually a virgin before we where married. 2 months before we started dating, she ended a 2 month affair with a vary dangerous man, apparently some sort of hit-man. (yes, like in the movies... he kills people for money...)
This was by far the worse thing she did since she got saved, and she broke it off and went back to school where she met me. She was very repentant about it, and very very open and honest about what happened. The problem is, the guy is trying to restablish contact. He is even calling and leaving messages for her. He lives about a thousend miles away. My wife is still being honest, and open, and says she loves me, and only me. But I am quite scarred that this man is trying to come back into her life. What should I do?
-scarred and worried

Gabby
Site Admin
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Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Post by Gabby » Mon Apr 11, 2005 10:53 am

Hi Scared: For my reply to be of value you will have to be willing to look at this situation from the point of view, no matter how ludicrous it may seem, that you are intending this to happen, for an as yet unknown reason. You also have to acknowledge that you alone attracted and married a woman with such a background. Call it karma, call it the consequence of an unacknowledged perpetration, a communication (an incident) from your childhood, there’s something going on here about you.

My experience has been that most people attract like people. In brief, this means that for every perpetration she has committed you have committed an equal number. What I get from your post is that you are oblivious to your own perpetrations and that you some how attribute this seemingly unwanted problem to her karma, the consequences of how she used to communicate. Now after reading this you may argue and think, no way have I committed the kinds of perpetrations she has. This is the same kind of thinking a battered spouse has, “But my abuse wasn’t as bad as his abuse.” I assure you if I spent time with you we’d uncover a horrendous number of unacknowledged perpetrations. You're much too smart to not have thought about the possible consequences of marrying her and yet you ignored your self.

If I were in communication with your wife I would support her in seeing that no matter what she believes, she is intending this. How do we know? Because that’s the results she’s producing with her present communication model. Five years from now, we’ll know what you two are up to now. Keep in mind that much of the results we produce in life are produced nonverbally, psychically, and unconsciously. Most people only discover that they are psychically intending a result after it happens. Then they can see. Oh yes, I see now what I was up to. and more interesting, and yes, I really did know.

One clue that neither of you operates from responsibility, from cause, is, “very open and honest about what happened.” If your wife were truly, as you say, repentant, she would know that it did not “happen.” It was all her creation. She merely found him to play out one of her roles.

I’m curious as to what your relationship with your parents is like. It appears that it’s not a mutually satisfying supportive relationship, else you would be resolving this with them. I’m also wondering what your parents said when you told them you were marrying a former mobster's girl. Quite possibly you knew they would disapprove and so you hid the truth from them, and ignored their nonverbal advise, their genius, and married her.

Two words concern me: "repentant" and "saved." Do you mean religiously? If so, you should be consulting your clergy. It invalidates your religion to not confide, to use, to allow it to support you through your problems.

You brush over some essentials of the problem. If you were my client it would be important for you to know exactly what your wife communicated to him when he first re-contacted her. That communication caused him (covertly, non-verbally, psychically manipulated, no matter what she believes or says) to call again. We know this because that's the results she produced with her sophisticated leadership-communication skills. And, it’s not only about the words she used. He somehow got that nothing had changed, that she was/is still absolutely willing to be controlled. A clear conscious woman, one who has acknowledged all of life's perpetrations, having no need to be acknowledged further, would have either, simply hung up the nano-second she recognized his voice or, she would have communicated in no uncertain terms, "I'm happily married. Please do not ever call again. Good by." I suspect that she has, from time to time, fantasized about him and what they did together (this would be normal), but that she has been afraid to tell you. These withholds are now manifesting themselves.

Now here's the kicker: No matter what you believe, it has been your intention to create her intending that he call her and invite her back into his life. Ask yourself, "What could I possible be up to that I would create this mess? For what do I need to be acknowledged (caught)?" It could be that you've been unconsciously masterminding a divorce.

There’s so much more about this I simply can’t serve you via this medium. Once you can choose to die, then you will be able to handle this appropriately. If you live in fear of dying, he’ll know. My advice to you is to get yourself into therapy and see what’s going on that you would have a need to create such a situation. Thank you for reaching out. —Gabby

BTW: There are communication processes that restore a person's integrity, that supports an individual in being whole and complete after committing/supporting a lifetime of perpetrations. These acknowledgment processes release the karma so to speak. Here in Hawaii, the belief is to have a Kahuna bless the new building ground, the new used car, etc. so as to release any negative energy. While their method is different than that of a communication skills coach the intentions are the same.

PS: If your wife has been relating with, interacting with, her parents, since being "saved," then there's a 41% chance she is a recidivist. That is to say, here in Hawaii 41% of all parolees return to prison. It's my contention that they do so in large part because though they may be somewhat rehabilitated, their loved ones, family, and friends did not also under go rehabilitation. In this case, your wife may have continued interacting with her parents, thereby re triggering/reinforcing the undesirable pattern (one single conversation can undo the hard work of the prison rehabilitation staff). Remember, it's her parent's leadership communication model that caused their daughter to opt for supporting crime. Unfortunately, the only solution I can recommend for a parolee is: Insist that his/her parents, family members, and spouse attend 50 50-minute sessions of therapy/counseling, as a condition for the parolee to ever ever interact with even one of them again.

klingonbastard

Post by klingonbastard » Mon Apr 11, 2005 11:10 am

I guess that Mr. Gabby doesn't value marital fidelity too much.

If the wife cheated on you 25 years ago or 25 seconds ago it is the same.

It is a good thing that she admitted it, but she is still a cheater.

Forgive her if you want to but know that she is a cheater.

Leave the guy alone, you don't live with him, you live with her. That is the problem you have to address.

Put yourself in her position. What do you think she would do if you told her you were cheating?

A good marriage is a thing worth working for, and cheating needs to be dealt with immediately. It will burn in your breast until you clean up the mess.

Don't make her grovel, but make sure she understands how important fidelity is to you.

Ted the Bastard

bluebird
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Mar 13, 2009 5:34 am

Re: #19 Should I confront wife's adultery partner?

Post by bluebird » Fri Mar 13, 2009 8:03 am

After reading your responses to these letters I seem to understand what you are trying to say (Gabby).
As men and husbands we have failed to deal honestly with our own personal issues and in not doing so
we have created an environment of lies and deciet which in turn leaves our marriages/relationships open to affairs and infedelity..
My story is that I have lied and withheld from my wife. I have tried to punish her for her short commings yet have not dealt with my own. As a reslut she is now preagnant with her lovers child. She continues to have a relationship with him even after its all out in the open. We are now separated but still speak to each other because we have two
children of our own. At this point I'm considering divorcing her. Its true I threated to divorce her if she did not stop
seeing him, before she got preagnant but I never did. Instead I left home but it did not make a difference.
Then I kicked her out of our home but she still continues to see him.
I realize now that its all my fault -I moved in with my pastor and talked regularly to him about my situation but
still everyone blames her for what she has done/is doing. She seems totally content with her life now.
She lives in an apt with her younger sister(she babysits my girs and her own kids), works nights with her lover and he is willing to leave his family for her and support her yet I'm sure his wife is still not aware of his ongoing affair.
I'm the odd man out now. I did meet with her lover at our home and he seems like a nice enough guy that is truely in love with her. we have the same name and even look somewhat alike. we left it up to her to decide who she wanted to stay with and apparently she has chosen him.
Like you said I can't change her only myself.

bluebird
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Mar 13, 2009 5:34 am

Re: #19 Should I confront wife's adultery partner?

Post by bluebird » Fri Mar 13, 2009 8:06 am

After reading your responses to these letters I seem to understand what you are trying to say (Gabby).
As men and husbands we have failed to deal honestly with our own personal issues and in not doing so
we have created an environment of lies and deciet which in turn leaves our marriages/relationships open to affairs and infedelity..
My story is that I have lied and withheld from my wife. I have tried to punish her for her short commings yet have not dealt with my own. As a reslut she is now preagnant with her lovers child. She continues to have a relationship with him even after its all out in the open. We are now separated but still speak to each other because we have two
children of our own. At this point I'm considering divorcing her. Its true I threated to divorce her if she did not stop
seeing him, before she got preagnant but I never did. Instead I left home but it did not make a difference.
Then I kicked her out of our home but she still continues to see him.
I realize now that its all my fault -I moved in with my pastor and talked regularly to him about my situation but
still everyone blames her for what she has done/is doing. She seems totally content with her life now.
She lives in an apt with her younger sister(she babysits my girs and her own kids), works nights with her lover and he is willing to leave his family for her and support her yet I'm sure his wife is still not aware of his ongoing affair.
I'm the odd man out now. I did meet with her lover at our home and he seems like a nice enough guy that is truely in love with her. we have the same name and even look somewhat alike. we left it up to her to decide who she wanted to stay with and apparently she has chosen him.
Like you said I can't change her only myself.

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 455
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: #19 Should I confront wife's adultery partner?

Post by Gabby » Fri Mar 13, 2009 12:54 pm

Hi Bluebird,

Thanks for sharing your process.

Re: “I seem to understand what you are trying to say (Gabby)… As men and husbands we…” I get
“seem.” In the enlightenment game “understanding” something is the booby prize. Knowing is where it’s at. I refer to your use of the word “we,” it’s used by those who use the 50-50% definition of the word responsibility; a person who operates from responsibility would say, “I see now that I created a context for deceit in my marriage by withholding thoughts from my wife.”

Re: “I have tried to punish her…” All lies and all truths, even lies we are unaware of, have consequences. Your statement is a covert denial. A truthful statement would be, “I have punished her.”

Re: “As a result she is now preagnant…” Not so. There’s so much more as to what her pregnancy is about. Punishing and withholding from her are just two of millions and millions of communications throughout your life that have created this result.

Re: “I left home but it did not make a difference.” Not so. It’s another unconscious lie. In truth it facilitated the result you’ve produced.

Re: “I realize now that its all my fault.” It’s neither healthy nor productive to talk about blame, guilt, or fault. My responsibility. Yes! However, it’s important to keep in mind that it won’t work for you to try to (teach/manipulate) her into accepting responsibility, to tell you how she is responsible for this result. That would be covert blame. She will either discover responsibility on her own or she may never. Only a disinterested third party can coach her about responsibility, and she has to seek that wisdom. Your responsibility from now on is to seek out friends (no dates until your children give you permission) who already communicate from responsibility. Using your present communication model you’re destined to attract more of the same, however, doing The Clearing Process will facilitate you in completing your various addictions (it’s free and it works). Do five clearings, one per day for five days in a row.

Re: “Then I kicked her out of our home....” This is not comfortable to read. Depending upon how powerful you’re willing to be it could be said that you set her up, albeit unconsciously, to cheat on you. It’s unethical to punish someone for what you intended for them to do. Just because you are unaware of your intentions doesn’t make them any the less yours. If you were to engage the services of a communication skills coach you would arrive at what you’ve been up to all these years and just how you’ve produced this result using your leadership-communication skills. It would work to get clear about your cause in the matter else your integrity will create the situation again so that you can see, step by step, how you destroy relationships. Your kicking-out power-maneuver reveals that you’ve got sexist and control issues as well. Perhaps it is (was before you got married) your home not “our” home. Still, there’s a way to ensure security for both in such a situation.

Re: “I moved in with my pastor.” Notice that the conversations you’ve had with your pastor have not led to truths about your cause in the matter and that he/she apparently supports you in kicking your wife out of “our home."

Re: “…but still everyone blames her for what she has done/is doing.” It appears your pastor supports this 50-50 point of view instead of supporting you in telling everyone the truth as to your cause in the matter. It’s unethical to communicate in such a way as to turn others against her, causing them to take your side and to think more badly of her. It's equally unethical to support another in badmouthing another. It will take considerable intention on your part to confront all these people and straighten them out.
  • For example: “I want you to know that I’m the one who drove her into the arms of another. She had no choice but to get away from my abusive manipulative communications. I didn’t know it at the time but I was stuck doing my imitation of communication. I unconsciously masterminded this result so as to force myself to wake up. Already I’ve imprinted this way of relating and communicating on my children.”
Re: “She seems totally content with her life.” I get “seems.” She is unconscious. She’s using the same communication model she used to attract you, the one that does not inspire truthfulness, the one that attracted a “brother” willing to support her in deceiving you. Her’s is a "content act." To put it bluntly, her men-choosing ability leaves much to be desired, however, she too is on her own path and needs to keep doing what she’s been doing until she commits to a life of integrity.

Re: “he seems like a nice enough guy…” There's that word "seems" again. He was doing his nice-guy act. Notice that he supported her in deceiving you. That’s not nice. Any man who takes advantage of a woman who is experiencing marital problems is, to put it professionally, a sleeze bucket. Your visit with him was two cons stuck in their acts doing their imitation of communication.

Re: “…that is truely in love with her.” Not. That’s not love. They may have peak experiences of something but it’s not love. There’s no joy and ecstasy. There can be no experience of love in a space in which there is deceit and abuse. Both of them are unconsciously addicted to abuse, of you, and they can’t see it. She has no business being in a relationship until she completes her addiction to attracting men who withhold. She has yet to discover what it takes to inspire open and honest communication. Neither of you should be laughing and giggling while the other remains in misery.

Re: “…we left it up to her to decide who she wanted to stay with…” This was you manipulating the situation. You unconsciously intended for her to choose to stay with him. How do we know? We know because that’s the result your leadership communication skills produced.

My advice: Let her know you’ll not be interacting with either of them again, for life, (except for children issues) until they both have completed (separately) 25 hours of counseling/coaching. This means no gifts, cards, phone messages, no, “How are things going?” “How are you doing?” Especially, no getting back together. If you ignore this advice, which I believe you will, I can predict with certainty that you’ll still be creating integrity problems with her five years from now, such is your addiction to abusing and being abused. Worse yet, you’ll notice that your children will be withholding thoughts from the both of you. You too must complete the same amount of coaching.

Thanks for your post. Many will get value from it.

Feel free to print and share this thread with the both of them.

With aloha, Gabby

Check back from time to time, I may edit or have more.

JCStevens
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 1:45 am

Re: #19 Should I confront wife's adultery partner?

Post by JCStevens » Wed Jun 23, 2010 2:18 am

What's the point? You don't know the partner, it was 25 years ago...any confrontations should be with your wife. I'd let it go...

Gabby
Site Admin
Posts: 455
Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2005 11:24 am

Re: #19 Should I confront wife's adultery partner?

Post by Gabby » Wed Jun 23, 2010 8:57 am

Hi JCStevens,

You are right.

These replies are designed to be resource material for our tutorial participants, as such they seldom pertain to or communicate to someone without the exact same problem/situation. In this case the reply supports someone intent on restoring their integrity, cleaning up (acknowledging) life's perpetrations.

Here's some additional reading that might be of interest.
With aloha,

Gabby

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