#26 His fiancée's chronic tardiness concerns him

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#26 His fiancée's chronic tardiness concerns him

Post by Gabby » Mon Jun 06, 2005 12:59 pm

Dear Annie: I am marrying "Monica" next month. All signs are go except for one small concern of mine.

Monica misses or arrives late to work between five and 10 days every month. She usually explains these absences by saying she is "too tired to get up in the morning." I know she gets at least eight hours of sleep at night. Sometimes her excuses are that she "has a headache" or "feels sick" when she wakes up and would prefer to sleep it off rather than get to work on time.

I’ve tried discussing her chronic tardiness, but she says she has always been this way. I have no idea why she is so irresponsible about her job, but I’m worried this irresponsibility will manifest in other ways in our marriage.

Do I have reason to be concerned about this behavior? Any advice you could give would help. Bewildered in Oregon

Dear Bewildered: Irresponsibility is a serious problem in a mate, but don’t jump to conclusions. When Monica says she‘s "always been this way," does she mean since childhood? If that’s the case, she may have a genuine physical problem. Suggest to Monica that she see a doctor for a full physical. Her eight hours of sleep could be less restful than you think. She can also try a drinking a glass of orange juice upon waking, which could help rev the engine.

On the other hand, Monica may dislike her job and is avoiding it, in which case she should start looking elsewhere for employment. Either way, please get to the bottom of this before your resentment overcomes your affection. —Annie


Gabby's Reply:

Dear Bewildered: There are several problems here all of which stem from your ignorance and your own out-integrity.

Though your integrity is such that you are prompted to reach out for help (good work) you write that you have a "small" concern. This reveals that you are both ignorant and in denial. I say ignorant because many readers will agree, after reading this, that you have several serious problems. And, depending upon how you handle things, you may be in need of as much counseling as your fiancé requires.

Let's begin: It doesn’t work to marry someone you want to change, except that eventually you will discover your need for counseling. Ignorance is thinking that what you call love will change her. Love is choosing the person to be exactly the way they are. We’ve already seen that what you call love causes more of the same. You are correct though; if she doesn’t get help for herself you will go down with her. She needs therapy. If you keep hanging around her it will reveal that you are addicted to helping and enabling and that you also need therapy. It’s unethical to be dating someone stuck in teen behavior. You don’t have the leadership-communication skills to help her. What you call help keeps her stuck. That ain’t love. Love causes you, and all with whom you relate, to grow, to include her employer. She cannot heal/grow with you in her life. You enable (reward/train/empower) her to be irresponsible. Unbeknownst to you, you have been unconsciously intending her to mirror your own out-integrity.

You are correct that the problem has to do with responsibility but you have the finger pointing the wrong way. It is you who are not clear about responsibility. If you were clear she would be being responsible. It’s virtually impossible for an irresponsible person to hang out with a responsible person except that they give up being/acting irresponsible. You would have nipped this problem of yours in the bud, the very first instance. A responsible person does not support another in thwarting and sabotaging another—you are supporting her in thwarting her boss. At some point in time you made intimacy (trying to keep a relationship with an immature girl) more important than supporting her employer. This behavior of yours will have undesirable consequences for you. When I say, "does not support," I mean, it just simply doesn’t happen. Something about the way you communicate, the way you relate, your leadership-communication model, doesn’t inspire her to handle life with integrity. Yours is what’s called a "responsible person act."

You appear to be oblivious to the fact that her integrity is out. To begin with, she keeps lying about the source of the problem. When the truth is told a problem gets resolved. Lies cause a problem to persist. What’s worse is, you can’t hear her lies. This means you also are lying about something. Her problem has absolutely nothing to do with what she says or believes it to be. You support her in dumping reasons and excuses in your space, which cause the problem to persist. She has in fact set you up to put in, to restore, her integrity. She’s still dramatizing some childhood incident with one or both of her parents, which, because they themselves were out-integrity, they could not complete the incident. Therefore, she’s still trying to find someone who will handle her responsibly. Read, "tough love." Whether it’s a physical problem or not, her integrity is so out that it no longer bothers her. She cannot see that she is intent on crashing and burning, and, taking as many with her as possible. Look at the disrespect, the abuse she continiously dumps in her boss's space; look at how she thwarts your support.

You are not clear about agreements. If you were she would be honoring her agreements with her employer. She would be absolutely clear that it’s a privilege and an honor to be relating with such an honorable person as you. She wouldn’t think of jeopardizing the relationship by breaking agreements with anyone. You are unaware that she has an implied agreement with you, to honor her agreements with everyone. This is what bothers you. Your integrity has been out and you haven’t known what was really bothering you. If you look you’ll see that you have a broken agreement with someone. Once you clean it up to the other's satisfaction you won't have people mirroring your out-integrity for you. You are not ready for marriage. You’ll know when you are because your partner will be expanding and succeeding. They will be having positive effects on all with whom they relate due to your intention. Thanks for reaching out, —Gabby

Please show this post to her.

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