In communication coaching a
perpetration
refers to something you have done or not done, something that you don't feel good
about, perhaps guilty, something you judge to be bad—often it's
something you've "forgotten" or hidden from yourself or others.
Variable: A communication
variable is something that
either enhances*
or serves as a barrier to communication, something that affects
outcomes such as goals, prosperity, happiness, health, or love.Examples of perpetrations:
Most perpetrations between couples are
withholds
(deceits) and unacknowledged verbal/non-verbal abuses, also unacknowledged broken verbal/implied agreements.
Most perpetrations have nothing to do with legality. There is usually guilt
attached. Anger/humor is often used to hide a "big" perpetration.
E.g.Spouse: "Where were you?" Partner: "Christ, you're always accusing
me . . ." a distracting counter-attack, an abusive make-wrong, or, "I was feeding the elephants (distracting humor)
—what's for dinner?
(more distraction)." Examples of communication variables:
Barriers to
communication can be physical, such as high/low volume, earbuds, noise
or other distractions; often the recipient's mind is preoccupied,
perhaps he/she is dragging around some anger left over from an earlier
interaction. The most common barrier between two is an unacknowledged
perpetration. Both are
withholding an equal (yes, both
and equal)
number of significant thoughts from each other; if the
withhold were verbalized it would cause upset/anger.When
one communicates a withhold non-verbally it causes confusion and
breakdowns in communication. I.e.
Virtually all
divorced couples withheld one or more significant thoughts from each
other on their first date; both brought their addictions to withholding
and blaming into the relationship. 44+ years of coaching and I have not
found a single exception to this phenomenon. —Kerry
If the agreement (implied, written or verbalized) between a
couple is to be open and honest with each other, zero significant**
withholds (For example: Couples typically promise, "Let's never go to bed upset
with each other.") then it's a perpetration (it's abusive) to hide something from the one you love, for whom you
have professed respect.
It may or may not be thought of as being "bad" by another. The fact that
the thought (to share it or not) exists, proves that it is an
incomplete. An incomplete creates a condition of
out-integrity. When one is in-integrity there is an experience of
wholeness and of being complete, there is no mind-chatter about sharing
or not sharing, justifying or rationalizing.
For example: A
participant once stood for a half hour, in front of 30
community neighbors at a weekend-long Advanced Communication Workshop, hemming and
hawing about this terrible thing he had been hiding from us. His anguish
was evident and such that we thought the worst. So terrible and obvious
was his guilt and embarrassment that we thought perhaps he had committed
some felony. He was however determined to get it out of his system and
to come clean with his friends. Finally, with a burst of tears and grief,
he said, "I eat candy bars." The tension had been such that we inappropriately broke into
laughter. Without words we were communicating, "You mean that's what we've been waiting for,
that's your perpetration?" Yes! To him and his experience of integrity
it was. It did shock us because he had been presenting
himself self-righteously as
junk-food-free. He's been
considerably more compassionate since then.
A non-verbalized
perpetration serves as a barrier to the experience of communication. I.e. Students have a harder time getting subject matter when they have an unacknowledged perpetration floating around
in their mind, ergo,
the importance of clearing children at bedtime.***
More examples of perpetrations:
Perhaps you feel badly for having stolen something and you've hid the
incident from everyone. Immediately afterwards you
may have felt guilty but piled sleep or more interactions on top of it, so many
distractions that the incident has been covered up, forgotten.
That incomplete has been stored and hidden in the back
of the mind—affecting all outcomes to this very day. The mind,
stuck in arrogance, believes it got away with it, that there
were no negative consequences.
Perhaps you've never told anyone that you cheated on an exam.
If you yelled at your child during
breakfast, and if the abuse was not verbally acknowledged to the
child as abusive
(if the interaction wasn't cleaned up through to hugging), the
child, still feeling badly,
can't totally be with a teacher's content.
Quite possibly you've led
others to believe that you were/are an honest
person yet you know you have been, or perhaps still are, involved in deceptions.
Perhaps
you lied to a parent, a classmate, your spouse, or your boss. The biggies for
many arethe "forgotten" or
"white" lies, omissions, exaggerations, and purposeful blank spaces
(deceits), on one or more school/tax/loan/insurance or job application forms. A
"manager" with an employee who is performing poorly knows to check
their Job Application Form and their resume for incompletes/inaccuracies. You may have deceived someone—searching for a new job on company-time without telling your boss,
or personal use of the company's PC or, holding on to a relationship while searching for another
or,
not telling a new
date about your history of abuse , your herpes, or the biggie—not telling a new date about your dysfunctional family.
Perhaps you have allowed your child to entertain
(for more than a few minutes) the possibility that he/she is
the cause of the abusive friction between you and your spouse.
No matter the words, no matter how sincere you may sound, as you try
to convince your child that they are not the cause for the fights,
the child intuits that if he/she were a loving inspiring
person you two wouldn't be abusing each other.
If you have never verbally acknowledged to your spouse (in front of
your child) that you know you communicated abusively to your spouse,
then you have failed to model how to clean up an abusive
communication.
Your boss asked why you were late and you
lied; you said, "The traffic was bad." (knowing that that was one of
many reasons, that it's so much more than that).
Quite possibly you now know that you sabotaged the success of your
penmanship,
health/nutrition, or other teachers.Appropriately, when we
thwart another's success, we unconsciously set it up for the "universe" to thwart us.
Examples for men:
Possibly you conned a girl into deceiving
both sets of parents so
she'd have sex
with you.
Perhaps you now feel badly for treating girls with condescension, as though
they weren't capable of paying their own way.
Perhaps you feel badly for having talked (pressured/conned/manipulated) a girl
into having sex, knowing full well she had said no.
Possibly you thwarted a friend's
intimate relationship for selfish/covetous
reasons.
Possibly you seduced a married woman or one who was not yet divorced
(one who didn't have the support of their spouse to be having extra
marital sex before the divorce was completed).
Possibly you were searching for a new partner while still
married—and, hid the fact from your spouse.
Examples for women:
Perhaps you feel badly knowing you ran a con on most boys, possibly
some teachers.
Maybe you told your parents you were going to the library and have
yet to acknowledge that specific lie to them, not realizing it's still having an
effect. Most always one sets up life to have another deceive them so as
to be acknowledged (caught) for their original (very first) deception.
Possibly you purposefully dressed sexy setting it up for a boy to
plan, hope and beg for sex; you didn't/don't state upfront,
"Absolutely no sex. Is that OK?" or, your first "no"
was in fact a lie, a tease. You may feel badly for not applying
yourself in high school, instead succumbing to convention—perhaps you conned someone into
marrying-supporting you—rather than
having a career to fall back on, one that allows you to leave any time
rather than, "putting up with."
Possibly your high school clique excluded others in a hurtful way.
A classmate may have mentioned your name during therapy—about being
bullied in school, and you were unconscious, unaware of your abusive
treatment of that classmate.
Possibly you seduced a married man or one who was not yet divorced—oblivious
of the negative consequences his out-integrity had on his
spouse or his organization's goals.
Possibly
you had (or are having) an affair with a married leader, thereby
negatively affecting all his/her outcomes, and the outcomes of all
who support him/her.
You may have silently condoned
(non-verbally supported) the badmouth
gossiping of another, and, they never recovered from the damage it
did to their reputation.
It's possible that the total amount you've spent on dates is
considerably less than what men have spent on you. Men refer to such
women as "users." In your ideal world there are negative
consequences for using others.
Your parents were supposed to teach you to always
insist on Dutch
Treat.
You may see yourself in one of the
Me2 media reports.
Examples for parents:
Perhaps you sent your child to school without ensuring that they
had done their
homework—thereby abusively thwarting the person you pay to teach.
Such thwarting causes self-thwarting. I.e. Dead cellphone,
burned toast, pouting child, headaches, broken
time/financial agreements, accidents.
Most likely you
have verbally abused your partner and have not acknowledged that
specific
abuse to them in front of your child—doing
so
demonstrates how to responsibly communicate/complete an abuse.
Quite possibly
you have mislead your child into thinking you were much better
behaved as a child, thereby leading him/her to think it's
impossible to be as good as they believe their parents were.
In other words, you both have
deceptively hid your childhood perpetrations from your child.
The major life-time negative effects of a perpetration are not just that
you did it, but that you have hid it—from yourself, some specific
person, or from everyone. You are in fact walking around with no one
knowing the real you. That's OK. Most everyone with whom you relate is
hiding his/her item(s) of choice from you; they too have become their
"honest act." The result is, your act is relating with everyone else's
acts. I say "relating with" instead of "communicating with" because there is no "experience" of communication when there are withholds
(deceits) in a relationship; such interactions are referred to as
talking (that
which most
married couples become stuck doing, evidenced
by fewer, or no, daily experiences of admiration, respect, joy and
giggly happiness.****
If you are withholding a significant (upsetting, deal-breaking) thought from your partner it's
absolutely certain he/she
is withholding one from you; more accurately, you have caused him/her to
deceive you.
Withholders attract withholders—there are no exceptions to this
entanglement phenomenon. It's virtually
impossible to withhold a thought in a relationship in which the
agreement is, ". . . to communicate openly, honestly, and
spontaneously—zero significant withholds." In such a relationship a thought withheld
becomes as "a mote in thine eye;" in other words, you lose some of your ability to
see, hear,
experience another's lie.
For example:
You're so unconscious (so out-integrity) that when you "tell" your child to do their homework
you can't tell they have no intention of recreating your communication,
and later, you abusively blame your child because communication
didn't take place.
Arrogance is thinking you can have
and maintain the experience of love,
health,
and prosperity without cleaning up (acknowledging) life's perpetrations;
arrogance always begs to be humbled. Your mind won't allow you to look
at the possibility that your income has been affected since your (still
unacknowledged) childhood theft of a comic book. We know this is
true becausein
your world
petty thieves don't do as well, nor are they as happy, as honest people.
*enhances: A raised voice
or bolded capitals will
emphasize a communication. "WATCH OUT!"
**significant: A thought is
considered significant if sharing it would trigger upset or anger.Examples of thoughts withheld on a first date: "I'm
definitely planning on having, or not having, sex
tonight." "My parents are abusive and racist." "I would never have asked
you out; I accepted this date because I wanted to see this movie." These
thoughts are considered deal-breakers, the belief is
that if you told the truth, spoke spontaneously, they would stop seeing
you.
Fleeting non-reoccurring thoughts are not withholds.
***bed-time clearing: The free clearing processes—for
individuals,
professionals,
couples, and
parents with children, are supportive of
restoring/maintaining ones integrity—specifically, acknowledging
(completing) life's
incompletes including unacknowledged perpetrations.
****joy and giggly happiness:
If you and your loved one haven't
experienced joyous loving appreciative laughter today then you
both are withholding the
exact same number of thoughts from each other. Again, there are no exceptions to this phenomenon.
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