This is an essential conversation topic to having during an engagement. You, as the guardian of the safety of your child, need to make a decision, now.
It's a decision (an agreement you must insist upon), one that requires impeccable integrity because you will definitely be tested as to your resolve, your integrity. Will you make your security, having a roof over your head for another 24 hours, and any reason your mind can manufacture, more important than the safety of your child? Your intended already, intuitively, knows whether you can be trusted to adamantly enforce a no-abuse agreement. A test is the respect with which they relate with you and how they handle their knee-jerk unconscious abuses (verbal and non-verbal) with you and both sets of parents.*
Note: There's no need for you to continue reading if you believe that some hitting is necessary (the word spanking is used euphemistically so as to avoid using the words abuse and hitting). Justifications usually include the phrase, ". . . it's for his/her own good." Most likely nothing short of a mind altering experience such as you being abused (with no one to protect you) will change your mind.
Once hit, neither the child nor the hitter is ever the same; the child operates from fear for life—possibly acting tough but underneath a fearful child. Yes, an angry head-slap is abuse. A hitting parent no longer knows for certain whether their child is behaving and succeeding from choice or from fear of being punished, of disappointing their parent(s). Verbal/physical abuse begins to create an imperceptible distance between the abuser and the child; the child distances him/herself ever so slightly in anticipation of possible abuse, spontaneity is diminished. Unresolved/unacknowledged abuse causes a breakdown in communication, often for life.
A teacher can tell if a child is being abusively yelled at and hit at home. A child who has been abusively yelled at or hit at home carries the fear with them daily, they look somewhat shut down, bound up, less alive, comparatively less happy (it's an aura thing, it's written on their face). Compared with other children a yelled at, or hit, child is comparatively less spontaneous.
Non-verbal communications and misbehaving (even getting sick) are the only ways a child knows how to bring to someone's attention that there's something wrong at home, the experience of communication is missing. An abused child can't totally be with school subject matter because his/her mind is partially occupied (still processing) the last abuse; it (their mind) is fearful of the possibility of more to come when they get home. Like a beaten dog, they continually forgive and make excuses for the parent's anger, honestly believing they deserve to be yelled at or hit.
Adults resort to abuse when they've lost their ability to cause desired behaviors verbally using their leadership communication skills. Most often a parent will spank their child rather than acknowledge that something about their leadership-communication skills have caused their child to "misbehave." In other words, the child gets hit (blamed) for the parent's inability to produced desired behaviors without hitting. Ironically, the abuse, the yelling or hitting, is not the worst part of the problem; what's worse is that the parents hide the fact that they are addicted to abusive yelling, this verges on evil because each day they submit their child to 24 more hours of abuse. A child can remember back when they were loved and adored; they honestly think they did something to cause the parents to mistreat them and each other.
Most abuse happens when a parent is carrying around anger left over from previous interactions, in which case a parent unconsciously (not by choice) lashes out verbally or non-verbally (physically) in anger. The leftover anger is most always about something similar from the parent's own childhood or, a less-than-satisfying interaction with his/her spouse.
I say "decision," because one typically lashes out verbally and non-verbally (physically) when they are unconscious and dragging around several incompletes (upsets from earlier interactions) and have lost their ability to choose to honor the no-abuse agreement.
Perhaps you grew up in a household where spanking was considered abusive so you might consider spanking an abusive no no. Have you communicated to your fiancé your beliefs about spanking? Communicated is entirely different than telling, advising, discussing, informing. It comes across as a deal-breaking ultimatum. i.e. "Never, for any reason! Can we agree that hitting/spanking our child is the same as insisting upon a divorce, with absolutely no second chances?" A smart follow-up question is: "Have you ever hit or unconsciously intended (caused) someone to hit you?"
* It's not that, from time to time, you and your partner won't lash out abusively (verbally/non-verbally), or upset each other with broken agreements. That's what most couples do en route to mastering mutually satisfying communication. The ideal behavior you're looking for during the engagement is whether or not each abusive communication is followed up with an acknowledgment of the abuse. Children observe how a parent follows up when they abuse the other, therefore, if the abuse takes place in front of a child it should be acknowledged (cleaned up) in front of the child so as to effect completion.
Some examples:
Partner: "Nice going klutz!"
You: "That didn't
feel good." [Sharing one's experience without making the other
wrong. The test for abuse is to ask the other, "How did that feel?"] Partner: "I get that it didn't feel good." [as opposed to, "Shit, I was just joking. Lighten up." [invalidating make-wrong]
or,
You: "I get that I lied earlier this morning when I said I didn't know who . . ." [A simple clean acknowledgment. Most importantly, delivered without an apology.]
or, "I get that I [broke my agreement] didn't pick you up by 6:00 pm ." [The implied communication being, "I get that it didn't feel good and that it was abusive of me to treat you that way."]
Each and every abusive communication must be completed through to mutual satisfaction. What causes all future abuse is when you let the first one slide without requiring a mutually satisfying acknowledgement from them that they know the communication didn't feel good.
Clearing Process for Couples
(free) Communication Clearing Process for Parent and Child (free) Last edited 4/22/21 Do print out this tip and share it with your partner.
To post a comment use the Comment
form.
If you like this tip please press the "I like" button.
|