Communications about pedophilia

A tip for parents about creating a safe space for truths to be told.

The majority of parents do not communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously with each other. Between themselves they have accumulated dozens of withholds, thoughts they hide from each other; unbeknownst to either parent most of these withholds* are childhood perpetrations, deceits, and abuses, stuff they’ve hid from themselves, their own parents, their child, and of course, each other.**

Piled on top of a parent’s unacknowledged childhood perpetrations are the deceits, abuses, and perpetrations they’ve accumulated during the marriage. Most parents have lost, if they ever had it, the ability to communicate spontaneously. They have in fact unwittingly, non-verbally, given each other permission to hide thoughts of choice from the other. The more thoughts each parent hides from the other, and their child, the less space there is for spontaneous communication. The child lives in fear of asking what's right and wrong, of saying/doing the wrong thing.

    * Withholds, thoughts withheld for reasons, serve as barriers to the experience of love. Most married couples will tell you it's been a long time (if ever) since their last experience of joy and ecstasy with each other; most acknowledge that they can't seem to look each other in the eyes any more except for brief seconds throughout each day; they know they love each other but the experience is missing.

A child can tell when something is going on between his/her parents because the space is different than it used to be. When all thoughts have been communicated what’s left is the experience of love. When there has been a breakdown in communication between parents it causes the child to be fearful and incomplete, to be out-integrity (something is missing or has been added), it causes the child's to go off-compass developmentally. The child stops asking the thousands of seemingly innocuous "why?" questions—questions essential for mature responsible development; the child is missing the reassuring loving conversations he/she is supposed to have with each parent. The experience of love that once was is no longer; it’s frightening. Some children can sense just where their parent's relationship must be heading (based solely upon how abusive they communicate with each other, it hurts them deeply), neither parent is aware that they are unconsciously masterminding a divorce. The absence of mutually satisfying conversations prompts a child to create his/her own reality so as to make it through each day; he/she begins to live in a fantasy world of imaginations.

If you force a child to live among secrets and deceits the child soon learns to withhold his/her thoughts of choice. Among the thoughts such a child withholds are the “sick” and “bad” ones, the ones they intuit from earlier “test questions” that their parents would admonish them for having. i.e. There's absolutely no space to ask questions about masturbation so as to get validation that they are normal, and so they live daily with the guilt.

A parent whose child has perpetrated pedophilia was (and probably still is) so bound up that he/she could not see the incompletes (beginning with the first look of guilt) on their child’s face. The parent(s) were so shut down that their child was not allowed to bring up certain topics, to ask embarrassing questions, and to get certainty about certain natural and normal curiosities. I’m certain research would reveal that these parents were so embarrassed about sex, even of talking about it, that they failed to give their child the “birds and bees talk.”

All pedophiles were taught by their parent to stuff thoughts, to walk around daily with incompletes.

For example: As with all children, when a child and their friend played “hospital” (euphemism for checking out each other’s genitalia) the child knew with certainty he/she couldn’t share the amazing discovery with either parent. When asked where they were, the child compounds the deception by saying they were someplace other than where they actually were, where they go for privacy. The parent’s mind was so clouded, so full of hundreds of incompletes, it couldn’t see the deception, it couldn’t hear the lie. All pedophilia begins with a lie, a deception, a thought withheld, behaviors the child learned from watching his/her parents. Without a safe space to share thoughts sexual fantasies begin to become more elaborate, more detailed, some become so real that the next step is to manifest the fantasy. Here’s a bedtime clearing process for you to do with your child(ren) in support of nurturing open, honest, and spontaneous communication, no withholds. A Bedtime Clearing Process for Children.

** When parents don't share their childhood perpetrations with their child the child assumes that they are not as "good" as their parents. They assume that their parents never did "bad" things; as such, a child comes to believe that they (the child) is abnormal and driven to deceive and withhold thoughts. This belief causes a child to have an inaccurate picture of their parents, they are in fact trying to have a relationship with someone they don't really know. Parents present themselves as open and honest yet they withhold certain thoughts from their child, as though they, the parents, are bigger than, more capable of, handling the truth.

Last edited 12/12/20


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