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DEAR ABBY:
Fourteen years ago, when my daughter was 4, my older sister,
“Jennifer,'' was visiting. She was conversing with people at my dinner
table, and my 4-year-old daughter was seated next to her. Jennifer was
swearing and using vulgar language. (When I was younger, we could never
even say 'jeez'' in front of Jennifer's' children.)
My daughter tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Aunt Jenny. You
shouldn't be saying words like that in front of me." My sister turned to
her and said, "Listen, you little s---. You can't tell me what to say
and not to say!" I haven't spoken to Jennifer much since that evening.
She sent me a T-shirt soon afterward that said, "Get over it."
Well. 14 years later, I still haven't. She never apologized to me or my
daughter. My niece (Jennifer's daughter) thinks we should talk. I can't
imagine anything I could have done in my younger years to have her
retaliate in such a way. My niece says I should just let it go. Help! It
still bothers me.
- SUE IN OXFORD, CONN.
DEAR SUE: Your sister
should have apologized, but obviously she wasn’t big enough to do it.
What happened 14 years ago was extremely regrettable. However, enough
water has flowed under the bridge since then to have washed away your
sister's sins. I agree with your niece. It's time to let bygones be
bygones. However, when your sister is under your roof, never give her
anything stronger than apple juice. —Abby
Gabby’s Reply
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Gabby's Reply:
Hi Sue:
This is a great letter. It speaks to many families and relationships.
It's easy to see that Jennifer communicated abusively to your daughter.
Most everyone who reads your letter can't help but take your side.
Herein lies the rub. You have managed to cause your child to continue a
fight you started with your sister years ago, before the dinner table
incident, and in so doing turned others against mean old Aunt Jenny.
That's quite masterful of you. Nasty, but nevertheless masterful.
Most readers will acknowledge that your daughter has some lessons to
learn about sharing her experience. Her's was a self-righteous judgment.
It’s clear that you had not taught her what to say and not to say around
company, and how to communicate lovingly and supportively. It obviously
didn't feel good to Jennifer. One problem is that you can't see just how
bad your daughter’s abusive lashing out felt to Jennifer. Just who
taught your daughter to be so rude? (Hint: It's an emulation kind of
behavior). Whatever gave her the idea that criticisms of houseguests
would be acceptable? Not only acceptable, but rewarded and defended.
Notice that you setup your daughter to deliver the coup de grâce—the
relationship-estranging blow. Had you been as innocent as you pretend to
be you would have called Jennifer into the kitchen and asked her to not
swear in front of your child.
I say, "you started" because you are still spewing confusion and causing
misdirection so that you don't have to acknowledge that you started it
(most likely a childhood incident).
Re: “...I can't imagine anything I could have done...” Yes, that's
normal, it's possible your mind won't allow you to recall the incomplete
incident with your sister; it (your mind) has spent an incredible amount
of energy creating a reality for you to hide the incident. Even now
you’re hell bent on enrolling others that you’re the victim.
Re: “When I was younger, we could never even say 'jeez'' in front of
Jennifer's' children.” Could part of this problem be the delayed
consequences of hypocrisy? —eventually you’ll bring someone into your
life to mirror it.
With the help of a communication skills coach you could recall the
incident. The experience of recalling it would transform your
relationship with everyone. All these years you've been presenting
yourself as the nice person whereas the truth is you have become stuck
in take-away and blaming.
What's sad it that you have trained your daughter to blame others for
the fights/arguments she starts. She’s oblivious that her
leadership-communication model, they way she communicates (that which
she learned from you) turns others against each other. It’s referred to
as an adversarial communication model. Some children mirror their
parents and inspire harmony. Both you and your daughter need
counseling—as do your parents (your parents taught you and Jennifer to
fight and blame and hold grudges).
All this having been said, there is another communication model, one in
which your daughter is to be acknowledged for
communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously; unfortunately she
spoke out among people who don't support this model. In one fell swoop you and
your sister planted the seed for her to begin withholding certain
thoughts, especially around adults. With this other model
you would see that you unconsciously set it up for Jennifer to say what
she did in support of your enlightenment; this model would require that
you be willing to use your power positively and to give up your blaming
victim act.
Now here’s the hard part to get. You can’t heal with Jennifer in your life,
however infrequent and distant things are now. She is as addicted to
abuse as are you. To heal yourself you’ll first have to issue her a
responsible estrangement ultimatum; that is to say, you have been
communicating it but nonverbally, covertly and irresponsibly; “I’ll not
be talking or interacting (relating, gifts, written or phone messages)
with you until you can tell me you have completed 25 hours of
counseling/coaching/therapy.” This means that you will have to do as
much therapy so as to get to the source of your spiteful blaming and
badmouthing. Perhaps then you’ll be able to acknowledge to Aunt Jenny
that you have been punishing her all these years for ... and that you,
albeit unconsciously, sicked your daughter on her.
—With aloha, Gabby
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