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Dear Annie: I have two sons -
"Roger," who is married with three young children, and "Max," who has a
baby. Max isn't married to the mother yet, but they live together and
will be getting married soon. I consider her his wife. I love both the
girls with all my heart.
The problem is, the girls are jealous of each other. They constantly
claim that I favor one or the other and that I love "the other one's"
kids more. I find this really annoying, and it makes me feel very sad,
because I love all four of my grandchildren equally and try to treat
them the same. Roger's wife does not have any other family here, and
Max's girl-friend was born and raised in this town, so she has a great
support team. I probably spend a bit more time with Roger's kids, simply
because their mother needs my help more often.
I am at the point where I'm afraid to even visit or call either of them
for fear the other will get angry. This seems petty to me, and I wish
they would quit fighting over me like a dog with a bone. I know lot of
mothers-in-law might think this is wonderful, but it's not. Annie, how
can I salvage our family closeness without loosing my mind? —Mom in the
Middle
Dear Mom in the Middle: These girls are using you to cement their
position in the family.
If you are truly making every effort to treat them equally, don't get
into lengthy arguments defending yourself. Unless their complaints have
merit, ignore them. Be polite, calm, and kind at all times, and smile
and change the subject when necessary. When they see you will not jump
through hoops and they can't play you against each other, they will
stop. —Annie
Gabby’s Reply
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Gabby's Reply:
Hi Middle: Not. One thing's for certain, you are not in the middle; you
are in fact the leader, way out in front of this drama parade. Now would
be a good time to remind yourself that your leadership-communication
skills have both inspired and rewarded this behavior from the very first
such communication, in truth you brought this skill into the
relationship. As long as you keep communicating as you have they have no
choice but to follow your unconscious intentions. Note: "Skill" as used
here refers to your ability to cause friction and abuse.
Re: "losing my mind" Too late. You've already lost it. The mind that got
you this far, the one that created this problem, can only create more of
the same. For example: "I probably spend…" "simply because their mother
needs my help…" and "…seems petty to me" these statements reveal that
you are in denial and that you have an incorrect view of responsibility.
I assure you Roger's wife does not need your help. What you're calling
help is enabling her and ironically causing her to disrespect you.
Whenever you see two at odds with each other always look for the third
party (the instigator) standing in the wings pretending to be everyone's
ally. In this case you've got two instigators. Your sons should have
nipped this in the bud and they haven't; that's your far greater
leadership problem. However unconscious they both may be they are in
fact supporting the girls in abusing you, (I use the word "girls" here
to draw attention to the fact that they are both stuck in teen behaviors
en route to becoming women.) Yes, it is abuse—you are inciting (causing) it
and all four are responding to your leadership. Son's not addicted to abuse
would have said to both women, "We need to have a family clearing so as
to get to the source of this accusation that Mom is being unfair. To
persist in accusing our Mom of being unfair is abusive." The fact that
your sons silently nonverbally condone this behavior indicates that they
believe the girls. Though possibly not accurate with their accusations,
the girls are in fact serving some purpose; the girls are delivering resentments,
communications that represent communications both sons are afraid to
deliver to you themselves. They both sons have dozens of thoughts, judgments
and perpetrations, they have been withholding from you.
I don't get from your letter that you are willing to do whatever it
takes to complete this pattern. Unbeknownst to you this problem reveals
that you need leadership-communication skills coaching. If you don't get
help you will continue to blame them as though they are cause. They all will
pass this pattern of creating friction and blaming loved ones on to
their children.
Notice I do not offer specific advice as to what to say or how to clean
up the mess. Why? Because you are you and any advice I would offer
could not work, you wouldn't be able to implement it effectively. Presently
all you have to do is say something, or say nothing, and it produces
more of the same. Standing silently in the room you simply don't command
respect. People don't treat those they respect as they are you. It's
your very ground of being (all your beliefs, all you believe to be true)
that causes this. What's required is a transformation (on your part.)
Once you've transformed yourself (read healed) there will be no space for such
games to be played. You'll notice that the longer you put off
coaching/counseling the more you will cause them to abuse you, and your
sons. Yes, your sons. They also are addicted to this drama but soon they
will tire of it. Wait too long and you'll be dealing with the contents
of their messy divorces. —Gabby
PS. One thing you'll discover in the leadership-communication-support
skills curriculum is that the truth always disappears problems. You have
not been telling the truth to anyone; especially you haven't told each
girl what it feels like to be accused of bias. Also, what each girl
says is what they are upset about is not at all what each
are upset about. Persistent and inappropriate upsets are always about an
earlier and similar incident, an incomplete. Clue: It's not necessarily
an incomplete with you. Each treated their own mom like they are you and
have yet to be acknowledged for that abuse.
Read more about clearing and emptying your mind through
The Clearing
Process (it’s free). It will give you some sense of how to create a
safe space for them to tell the truth.
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