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Hi Confused: A problem persists because there’s a lie somewhere. Your lie is easy to see because you revealed it for us. "We are open, honest and loyal to each other…" You are not being open and honest with him; coincidentally, he also is not being open and honest with you (keep reading). You’ve been living a lie. The lie has caused your problem (an unwanted condition) to persist.

You have several other problems of which you appear to be unaware. Foremost you have been presenting yourself to your boyfriend as being open and honest. As such he hasn’t been having a relationship with the real you, only with your "honest-act." This deceit cannot but have undesirable consequences.

Secondly, you have a misunderstanding of the word "loyal." You are not conscious of all that communication is. Withheld thoughts have mass, they occupy space, they serve as barriers to being here now and to the experience of communication. To be secretly thinking about other men is not loyal. All cheating begins with thoughts such as yours. That you wrote is not necessarily a sign that you intend to clean up this perpetration (it's a perpetration because you feel badly for withholding, for the deciet). You could be conning yourself. How would you feel if you discovered he was thinking about other women while he was making love to you or having thoughts of robbing a bank or of having sex with children without ever sharing such thoughts verbally with you? I say verbally because you are communicating your problem nonverbally. It's just that he has the withholds with you and so he's unconscious and can't see that you have something rattling around in your mind.

Another problem is that you have not been in communication with him. No matter what you think, or how great things have been, it’s all been produced via talking—which is entirely different than communication. When two are in communication with each other (open, honest, spontaneous communication, no thoughts withheld) the experience is uplifting and enlivening. It's transformational. It's profound. The relationship is then said to be in-integrity. When a relationship is in integrity it’s virtually impossible for either to withhold a thought except that it’s revealed in the eyes (actually its an aura thing, a withhold is communicated non verbally revealing that  something's in the space.)  A thought withheld becomes as urgent to be shared as is the need to defecate—which when you don't act upon the first few signs (with a withhold the first sign is your conscience) it most always becomes messy. Couples who communicate openly and honestly always look each other in the eyes unwaveringly, no avoiding, glancing away with certain subjects. The ability to be with one, to look one in the eyes for at least five minutes in a row (without a thought popping up that needs to be shared) pretty much assures that the relationship is in-integrity. A partner who can't/won't do that is hiding something; there are no exceptions to this phenominon.

Here’s another perhaps even more surprising problem. You are using what’s referred to in communication coaching lingo as the adversarial communication model. People addicted to this model (we are all addicted to it, most are unaware that they are) automatically and unconsciously magnetically attract partners who are equally addicted to withholding their thoughts of choice also. There exists between such couples an implied agreement, a contract, that it’s OK to withhold certain thoughts if the reason is good enough. Which bring me to one more problem. Your boyfriend has a biggie he also is withholding from you.

Now here's the most important part of my reply: Your thoughts are normal and healthy. Most everyone has such thoughts from time to time. Most couples hide such thoughts which is the foremost cause for most divorces. The first thought withheld is the beginning of the end of any possibility of the relationship growing and expanding, it succumbs to mediocrity. All divorces, yes all, begin with a withhold.

I recommend that you do The Clearing Process. It will support you in acknowledging your withholds, firstly to yourself; it also has instructions on how to do a one-to-one couple-clearing—it supports couples in being in integrity. It’s an amazing experience.

With aloha, Gabby

BTW: Your use of the word "lately" did not go unnoticed. During a consultation with a communication skills coach you could recall the exact incident that triggered the shift. Most bury such turning-point interactions under layers of other thoughts making it extremely difficult to access using ones own mind.

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