Dear Annie: I’m a young-looking, middle-aged woman and recently married a man several years younger than I am. My figure is petite, and I am small-chested. Though he told me early in our relationship that breast size doesn't matter to him, he has made several remarks about breast implants and most recently said, "Everyone likes to look at a nice pair of breasts."

This is a man who usually seems caring and sensitive, which is part of what I fell in love with. He made me feel so good about myself in the beginning but now seems to be picking me apart, little by little. When I express concern about his attitude, he gets defensive and suggests that maybe he shouldn't say anything at all, and then won't speak to me - sometimes for hours.

I've done without ampler breasts my whole life and am not a fan of cosmetic surgery. What's your opinion? —Cupcakes, Not Cantaloupes

Dear Cupcakes: We think your new husband is quite manipulative. There is no reason on earth for you to have implants if you don’t want them. And we’re worried about a husband who refuses to speak to you because you don't want to have surgery to please him. This is not a "Caring and sensitive" person. This is a control freak, Watch out. —Annie

Gabby's Reply

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Hi Cupcakes: My first thought is to ask if a friend/parent advised against marrying him. The fact that you're writing to a columnist suggests that you are not in communication with your parents, if so, then this problem is your integrity at work prompting you to complete your relationship with them and others. At some level your parents would be hurt and invalidated to know they taught you to attract and marry someone addicted to  abuse. Could it be that you have unconsciously been intent on punishing your parents? In other words, who in your life would say that you were verbally abusive, that you criticized him/her, that you kept trying to change them, or that you'd shut down communication by refusing to talk? You brought your husband into your life to mirror you.

Look for an out-integrity (an outstanding  unacknowledged perpetration of yours—a communication breakdown) most likely left over from another relationship from before you married him. I say this because you have gone unconscious. A conscious person, one who is whole and complete (to include all life’s perpetrations acknowledged, all thefts, lies, and cheatings cleaned up to everyone’s satisfaction) is able to be in present-time. Had you been conscious, not dragging around hundreds (yes hundreds) of incompletes, you would have immediately picked up on his “caring and sensitive" act, his seduction con. Instead you both ran your cons on each other, each doing his/her imitation of communication. You're smart enough to know the kinds of conversations engaged couples need to have to ensure compatibility and to reveal issues that possibly require professional help. (Read Must-have conversations with your steady/fiancé).

You say, “He made me feel so good about myself in the beginning . . .” This reveals that you are not clear about responsibility. A person who operates from responsibility would have written, “In the beginning I felt so good about myself when I was with him.” In other words, ". . . he made me . . ." reveals that you are at effect of him and most everyone else. i.e. [I'm angry] as opposed to the blaming [You make me angry.]

I’d advise you to divorce immediately but you’d only bring another such person into your life. How you handled his very first put-down has created all the rest of your drama. Instead of, “That didn’t feel good. Do you get that?” ”What else are you withholding from me?” you set him up to repeatedly invalidate you. Your leadership-communication skills are such that he knows with certainty that he doesn’t have to share certain kinds of thoughts with you (him not talking, shutting down, when he gets close to a truth that would cause him to relinquish control). What’s missing in the relationship is the experience of respect. Specifically, you have not inspired respect. Read: about wedding vows.

Re: ". . . he told me early in our relationship that breast size doesn't matter . . .” This is a blame statement. A responsible communication would be, “I manipulated him into telling me what I needed to hear.” Your “neediness act” has trained him to withhold certain thoughts he thinks might upset you. He knew with certainty that you needed to hear that your breasts were OK with him (often men say whatever your mind needs to hear so as to have sex). You were not a safe space for the truth to be told. You unconsciously communicated, non-verbally, “Tell me small is good or I'll run my hurt-number on you.” If you'll allow yourself to recall the incident you can now see that back then you knew he was lying, not only about him being OK with them but that he was hiding other thoughts. There were other clues, how he treated clerks, how he laughed at sexist jokes, or that he pointed out your faults and errors covertly through humor. i.e. His reaction to you forgetting to buy bread, "Oops! The memory champ strikes again."

Both of you have been unconsciously lying to each other. What’s most fascinating is, you began the deceit by bringing this behavior of not communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously into the relationship. He knew within seconds of his first conversation with you that you were someone who would not insist that he tell the truth about his past (specifically, what he had done to destroy his previous intimate relationships). Your history of thoughts withheld from others is an aura thing, it’s written on your face. A person who is whole and complete inspires truth-telling, as such he/she can experience an out-integrity of another.

BTW: A truth can be told responsibly (delivered with the intent of it being a gotten as a consideration not a criticism) with the intent of disappearing the thought.  "I have a withhold and I want to get rid of it, I know I told you that I had no problem with your breast-size however, lately, I've been having thoughts of wishing they were larger." —discussed through to mutual satisfaction. A thought withheld begins to take on mass. It actually weighs on one. It grows larger, it becomes a defined plan. It occupies more time thinking about it. I believe all incest and pedophilia begins with a child's first sex thought which gets stuffed, in large part because the child's parents have shut down spontaneity, that, and they don't do a clearing process with their child at bedtime each night. The thought grows in definition and becomes an obsession.

I recommend that you enroll yourself (alone) in 25 sessions of counseling, or an enabler’s support group. In so doing you will discover the communication skills it takes to nip such behavior in the bud within seconds, eventually to not have the need to bring such behaviors into your space. You do not have the leadership communication-skills to change him. It will be just as unethical of you to try to change him as it is for him to be trying to change you. If you continue to hang around him it will reveal your need for even more therapy.

BTW: The responsible way to handle a difficult upset is to say, I need some space now. I'll talk about this after dinner." In other words, instead of controlling the other, keeping them incomplete, give them a time by-when you will handle it through to mutual satisfaction.

Note to men: If you have similar judgments, if you wish your wife was different (physically or otherwise) and have been non-verbally putting up with it, you are in fact masterminding a divorce. Quite possibly you'll set it up for her to initiate the divorce so that you don't have to acknowledge your deceit, your withholds. As mentioned above, it's possible to communicate such things and have the  relationship grow and blossom again. Remember, talking (including stuffed thoughts that are communicated non-verbally) will cause a consideration to persist whereas communicating it will disappear it.