Dear Annie: I’m a young-looking, middle-aged woman and recently married a man several years younger than I am. My figure is petite, and I am small-chested. Though he told me early in our relationship that breast size doesn't matter to him, he has made several remarks about breast implants and most recently said, "Everyone likes to look at a nice pair of breasts."

This is a man who usually seems caring and sensitive, which is part of what I fell in love with. He made me feel so good about myself in the beginning but now seems to be picking me apart, little by little. When I express concern about his attitude, he gets defensive and suggests that maybe he shouldn't say anything at all, and then won't speak to me - sometimes for hours.

I've done without ampler breasts my whole life and am not a fan of cosmetic surgery. What's your opinion? —Cupcakes, Not Cantaloupes

Dear Cupcakes: We think your new husband is quite manipulative. There is no reason on earth for you to have implants if you don’t want them. And we’re worried about a husband who refuses to speak to you because you don't want to have surgery to please him. This is not a "Caring and sensitive" person. This is a control freak, Watch out. —Annie

Gabby's Reply

[ top ]

Hi Cupcakes: My first thought is to ask if a friend/parent advised against marrying him. The fact that you're writing to a columnist suggests that you are estranged from your parents, if so, then this problem is your integrity at work prompting you to complete your relationship with them and others. At some level your parents would be hurt and invalidated to know they taught you to attract and marry such an abusive person. Could it be that you have unconsciously been intent on punishing your parents?

Look for an out-integrity (an outstanding  unacknowledged perpetration, withhold, or deceit) most likely left over with another from before you married him. I say this because you have gone unconscious. A conscious person, one who is whole and complete (to include all life’s perpetrations acknowledged to everyone, all thefts, lies, and cheating cleaned up to everyone’s satisfaction) is able to be in present-time. Had you been conscious, not dragging around hundreds (yes hundreds) of incompletes, you would have immediately picked up on his “caring and sensitive" act, his seduction con. Instead you both ran your cons each doing their imitation of communication. You're smart enough to know the kinds of conversations engaged couple need to have to ensure compatibility and to reveal issues that possibly require professional help. (Read Must-have conversations with your steady/fiancé).

You say, “He made me feel so good about myself in the beginning…” This reveals that you are not clear about responsibility. A person who operates from responsibility would have written, “In the beginning I felt so good about myself when I was with him.”

I’d advise you to divorce immediately but you’d only bring another such person into your life. How you handled his very first put-down has created all the rest of your drama. Instead of, “That didn’t feel good. Do you get that?” ”What else are you withholding from me?” you set him up to repeatedly pick you apart. Your leadership-communication skills are such that he knows with certainty that he doesn’t have to share certain kinds of thoughts with you (not talking when he gets close to a truth that would cause him to relinquish control). What’s missing in the relationship is the experience of respect.

Re: “…he told me early in our relationship that breast size doesn't matter...” This is a blame statement. A responsible communication would be, “I manipulated him into telling me what I needed to hear.” Your “neediness act” has trained him to withhold certain thoughts he thinks might upset you. He knew, with certainty, that you needed to hear that your breasts were OK with him. You were not a safe space for the truth to be told. You unconsciously communicated, nonverbally, “Tell me small is good or I will be hurt.”

Both of you have been unconsciously lying to each other, and, what’s most fascinating is, you began the deceit by bringing this behavior of not communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously into the relationship. He knew within seconds of his first conversation with you that here was someone who would not insist that he tell the truth about his past (specifically, what he does to destroy relationships). Your history of thoughts withheld from others is an aura thing, it’s written on your face. A person who is whole and complete inspires truth-telling.

I recommend that you enroll yourself (alone) in 25 sessions of counseling, or an enabler’s support group. In so doing you will be introduced to the communication skills it takes to nip such behavior in the bud within seconds, eventually to not have the need to bring such behaviors into your space. You do not have the leadership-communication skills to change him. It will be just as unethical of you to try to change him as it is for him to be trying to change you. If you continue to hang around him it will reveal your need for even more therapy. Thank you, Gabby


PS. Check back from time to time. I may edit/add more.  (minor edits 10/25/09)

[ top ]