Dear Annie: We have a 52-year-old married son. He and his wife didn't acknowledge our 55th wedding anniversary. When I asked him why, he said, “What's the big deal?" I know if it were his wife's parents, it would have been a big deal.

We live in the same town, and through the years, they only call if they want something. They have never once asked us how we are or if we need anything. My daughter-in-law's parents always come first. They go to her folks' for every occasion. I gave up on holiday meals long ago.

This bothers us to no end. I’ve talked to my doctor because my blood pressure has been very high lately. We also spoke to our pastor. Both said we should write a letter expressing our feelings. Is this the right thing to do? —No Respect

Dear No Respect: If you can write the letter without complaining or making accusations, it can be a good way to re-establish communication.

The letter should state that you love your son and his family, and you miss them. If you want to add general family news, by all means include it, but don’t turn it in to a diatribe about how unfair or neglectful they are. Keep it simple and see how it goes. —Annie

Gabby's Reply

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Hi No Respect: Such a great letter, so many parents have created similar situations. I’m so pleased you wrote.

What you’re looking at is part of the Parenting Masters Curriculum. It begins with a willingness to acknowledge that your communication-leadership model, how you’ve been communicating with your son, has trained him to withhold acknowledgments; specifically, he's verbally withholding certain extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing thoughts. Consequently he's unconscious about the acknowledgment process and things for which you'd like to be acknowledged,  You have yet to learn how to create a safe space for the truth to be told so he has had no choice but to dramatize his disrespect of you. You are stuck doing your imitation of communication with him; you’re not getting his communication so he has to keep repeating himself.

In other words, he is acknowledging you, he’s just doing it irresponsibly and nonverbally. He’s communicating so many things to you that it’s virtually impossible to identify any single incomplete, any single childhood issue having to do with upsets and thoughts of disrespect (we’re talking hundreds of withholds between the two of you). Guess who taught him to communicate this way? And no, it ain’t “we.” In this matter you are the leader.

You could begin by asking yourself, “What did I do to drive my son out of my life?” but I don’t think your mind will allow you to get to the truth. There’s too much blame going on; notice that you're covertly blaming him for your high blood pressure (read Communications in Support of Health).

Any letter to him expressing your "feelings," using your present communication model, would only produce more of the same.

The best way to get to the truth of your cause in this matter is for you (alone) to enroll in a minimum of 25 sessions of counseling, keeping to the front of your mind at each session—What must I have done? What has the genius in me been up to that I would intend (albeit it unconsciously) this condition? Who in my life would say that I am treating them the same way my son treats me? And the biggie—Who else am I blaming for the effects of my leadership-communication skills?—all the while focus on completing your relationship with your parents.

An alternative to counseling/therapy is to schedule a single 3-hr consultation with a communication skills coach; a coach is skilled at getting to the truth, there's no need for more sessions. 

I’d advise a letter to your son (see sample below). Your daughter-in-law is an entirely different subject matter, she'll require that you complete an even more advanced course in leadership communication. Once you’ve begun the Parenting Masters Curriculum (it's about creating a new mutually satisfying communication model) your son will begin to emulate you. Your skills will eventually get passed on to his wife by his example. Please do not misunderstand me. I don’t recommend that you try to change your son. He has had no choice but to behave this way; he is merely mirroring you. The minute you open your mouth it triggers a Pavlovian-like response. Once you shift your ground of being he’ll have nothing to resist.

To have the kind of relationship you'd like with your son you’ll have to be willing to let go of him and start all over again. You'll be attempting to reprogram your computer, the curriculum is much like getting a degree in medicine or law (at your age) and it could take ten or more years for you to get your degree (to be able to create a mutually satisfying supportive relationship with him). It could be said that you’re back a few moments before his conception; this time, now that you’re conscious, you’ll choose to not have him, knowing full well that you’re not ready to raise a child who honors and respects his parents. Now is the time to study and get ready for parenthood. Your golden years could be awesome (read Grandparenting—a primer).

Keep in mind his treatment of you (the karma of his behavior) is having undesirable consequences for him and his relationships.* He’s stuck treating others the same way. He’s waiting for you to learn so that you can teach him how to acknowledge others in a way that feels good.

Don't feel badly, public school teachers have yet to master and therefore can't teach the subject of acknowledgment. Their students (the voting public) acknowledge dissatisfactions with their educations by keeping teachers pathetically begging for pay raises and school supplies. Nary a teamster, many of whom are former “C” students, drawing thrice the wages of their mentors (teachers), think to campaign in support of wage parity for teachers (as an acknowledgment).

Here's a sample letter:

Dear son, I’ve decided to take a recess from our relationship. Something about the way I have been communicating and relating with you hasn’t been working for me. I find myself blaming you—a definite no no in the parenting game. Please honor my wishes to not call, write, leave messages, or send gifts, until you hear from me again. I’m immersing myself in counseling/coaching to get to the source of what’s going on for me. I’ll contact you again in about six months to let you know if I am clear enough to once again engage in conversations with you and your wife. Also, if you’d like, I’ll pay 50% of any counseling sessions you might want; have the therapist send me the invoice. My experience tells me that nothing you could say or write at this time would feel good to me. Once again, please respect my wishes.

Part of what your letter will model for him is to not engage in repeated conversations with anyone addicted to abuse. He is blind to the fact that he is abusing you and that it's an addiction. Conversely, you are addicted to creating abuse; you're a drama victim. I assure you the same stuff is going on in his marriage. Without your positive support it will be more of a challenge for him to be whole and complete. Notice he does understand that one way to maintain a semblance of completeness is to interact with you as little as possible. Here's another letter that may be of value.

You letter suggests that it’s time for you to reap the benefits that come from a life of service, of motherhood, all that you know to be possible and that you deserve. —With aloha, Gabby

* If you and your husband are say alcoholics, habitual complainers, or into something illegal, or are committed to racism or drugs, or even condescendingly religious, then your son is acting consistent with his integrity by choosing to not interact with you. It would be suicidal of him to choose to interact with you knowing that it would bring him down. It would be unethical and hypocritical of him to hang around you (judging you nonverbally) if he can't support your beliefs or the way you behave without your specific request (permission) to support you in changing. However, the way he has estranged himself is abusive which is out-integrity for him; it has undesirable consequences for him and those with whom he relates. There is a way to estrange oneself from another responsibly, Ask Gabby how.

PS. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that most parents appear to be intent on going to their grave without having acknowledged/completed their addiction to abuse, blame, and make-wrong. Typically the mind will kill itself (always in a socially/medically acceptable manner) hoping to make the survivors feel guilty.

PPS. Check back from time to time. I may edit/add more. (minor edits 12/1/09)

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