| |
Dear Annie: We have a 52-year-old married son. He
and his wife didn't acknowledge our 55th wedding anniversary. When I
asked him why, he said, “What's the big deal?" I know if it were his
wife's parents, it would have been a big deal.
We live in the same town, and through the years, they only call if they
want something. They have never once asked us how we are or if we need
anything. My daughter-in-law's parents always come first. They go to her
folks' for every occasion. I gave up on holiday meals long ago.
This bothers us to no end. I’ve talked to my doctor because my blood
pressure has been very high lately. We also spoke to our pastor. Both
said we should write a letter expressing our feelings. Is this the right
thing to do? —No Respect
Dear No Respect: If you can write the letter
without complaining or making accusations, it can be a good way to
re-establish communication.
The letter should state that you love your son and his family, and you
miss them. If you want to add general family news, by all means include
it, but don’t turn it in to a diatribe about how unfair or neglectful
they are. Keep it simple and see how it goes. —Annie
Gabby's Reply
[
top ]
|
|
Gabby's Reply:
Hi No Respect: Such a great letter, so many
parents have created similar situations. I’m so pleased you wrote.
What you’re looking at is part of the Parenting Masters Curriculum. It
begins with a willingness to
acknowledge that your
communication-leadership model, how you’ve been communicating with your
son, has trained him to withhold acknowledgments; specifically, he's verbally
withholding certain
extremely uncomfortable and embarrassing thoughts. Consequently he's
unconscious about the acknowledgment process and things for which you'd like to be acknowledged,
You have yet to learn how to create a safe space for the truth to be told so
he has had no choice but to dramatize his disrespect of you. You are
stuck doing your
imitation of communication
with him; you’re not getting his communication so he has to keep
repeating himself.
In other words, he is
acknowledging you, he’s just doing it irresponsibly and nonverbally. He’s
communicating so many things to you that it’s virtually impossible to
identify any single incomplete, any single childhood issue having to do
with upsets and thoughts of disrespect (we’re talking hundreds of
withholds between the two of you). Guess who taught him to communicate
this way? And no, it ain’t “we.” In this matter you are the leader.
You could begin by asking yourself, “What did I do to drive my son out
of my life?” but I don’t think your mind will allow you to get to the
truth. There’s too much blame going on; notice that you're covertly
blaming him for your high blood pressure (read
Communications in Support of Health).
Any letter to him expressing your
"feelings," using your present communication model, would only produce
more of the same.
The best way to get to the truth of your cause in this
matter is for you (alone) to enroll in a minimum of 25 sessions of
counseling, keeping to the front of your mind at each session—What must
I have done? What has the genius in me been up to that I would intend (albeit
it unconsciously) this condition? Who in my life
would say that I am treating them the same way my son treats me? And the
biggie—Who else am I blaming for the effects of my
leadership-communication skills?—all the while focus on completing
your relationship with your parents.
An alternative to counseling/therapy is to schedule a single 3-hr
consultation with a communication skills coach; a coach is skilled at
getting to the truth, there's no need for more sessions.
I’d advise a letter to your son (see sample below). Your daughter-in-law
is an entirely different subject matter, she'll require that you
complete an even more advanced course in leadership
communication. Once you’ve begun the Parenting Masters Curriculum
(it's about creating a new mutually satisfying communication
model) your son will begin to emulate you. Your skills will eventually get
passed on to his wife by his example. Please do not misunderstand me. I
don’t recommend that you try to change your son. He has had no choice
but to behave this way; he is merely mirroring you. The minute you open
your mouth it triggers a Pavlovian-like response. Once you shift your
ground of being he’ll have nothing to resist.
To have the kind of relationship you'd like with your son you’ll have to
be willing to let go of him and start all over again. You'll be
attempting to reprogram your computer, the curriculum is much like
getting a degree in medicine or law (at your age) and it could take ten
or more years for you to get your degree (to be able to create a
mutually satisfying supportive relationship with him). It could be said
that you’re back a few moments before his conception; this time, now
that you’re conscious, you’ll choose to not have him, knowing full well
that you’re not ready to raise a child who honors and respects his
parents. Now is the time to study and get ready for parenthood. Your
golden years could be awesome (read
Grandparenting—a primer).
Keep in
mind his treatment of you (the karma of his behavior) is having undesirable consequences for him and
his relationships.*
He’s stuck treating others the same way. He’s waiting for
you to learn so that you can teach him how to acknowledge others in a
way that feels good.
Don't feel
badly, public school teachers have yet to
master and
therefore can't teach the
subject of acknowledgment. Their students (the voting public)
acknowledge dissatisfactions with their educations by
keeping teachers pathetically begging for pay raises and school
supplies. Nary a teamster, many of whom are former “C” students, drawing thrice the
wages of their mentors (teachers), think to campaign in support of wage
parity for teachers (as an acknowledgment).
Here's a sample
letter:
Dear son, I’ve decided to take a recess
from our relationship. Something about the way I have been communicating
and relating with you hasn’t been working for me. I find myself blaming
you—a definite no no in the parenting game. Please honor my wishes to
not call, write, leave messages, or send gifts, until you hear from me
again. I’m immersing myself in counseling/coaching to get to the source of
what’s going on for me. I’ll contact you again in about six months to
let you know if I am clear enough to once again engage in conversations
with you and your wife. Also, if you’d like, I’ll pay 50% of any counseling
sessions you might want; have the therapist send me the invoice. My
experience tells me that nothing you could say or write at this time would feel
good to me. Once again, please respect my wishes.
Part of what your letter will model for him is to not engage in repeated
conversations with anyone addicted to abuse. He is blind to the fact
that he is abusing you and that it's an addiction. Conversely, you are
addicted to creating abuse; you're a drama victim. I assure you the same stuff
is going on in his marriage. Without your positive support it will be
more of a challenge
for him to be whole and complete. Notice he does understand that
one way to maintain a semblance of completeness is to interact with you
as little as possible.
Here's another letter that may be of value.
You letter suggests that it’s time for
you to reap the benefits that come from a life of service, of
motherhood, all that you know to be possible and that you deserve. —With
aloha, Gabby
*
If you and your husband are say alcoholics, habitual complainers, or into something illegal, or
are committed to racism or drugs, or even condescendingly religious,
then your son is acting consistent with his integrity by choosing to not
interact with you. It would be suicidal of him to choose to interact
with you knowing that it would bring him down. It would be unethical and
hypocritical of him to hang around you (judging you nonverbally) if he
can't support your beliefs or the way you behave without your specific
request (permission) to support you in changing. However, the way he has
estranged himself is abusive which is out-integrity for him; it has
undesirable consequences for him and those with whom he relates. There
is a way to estrange oneself from another responsibly,
Ask Gabby how.
PS. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that most parents appear to be intent on
going to their grave without having acknowledged/completed their
addiction to abuse, blame, and make-wrong. Typically the mind will kill
itself (always in a socially/medically acceptable manner) hoping to make
the survivors feel guilty.
PPS. Check back from time to time. I may edit/add more. (minor edits
12/1/09)
[
top ]
|
|