DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Sybil,' had a close friend, "Maxine;' who recently offended her. Now she prefers to avoid the woman altogether.

Maxine's husband and I play golf together, and Sybil feels that I am wrong to continue a relationship with him. I disagree; first, because in time my wife's wounds may heal and her relationship with Maxine may resume. Also, I have never dictated who Sybil should or should not befriend, and I feel the reverse should also be true.

Who's right here? You decide! "SWINGER" IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SWINGER: You are. Just because you are no longer a foursome shouldn't mean you have to scratch your golf buddy. She should "putt out" of your golf game. For her to attempt to punish her former friend by punishing her husband is childish. —Abby

Gabby's Reply

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Dear Swinger: What a great letter—so many points of view. Most every reader will find him or herself playing one or more roles in their own similar dramas.

My reply to you depends upon how willing you are to acknowledge your power. Would you be willing to look at the possibility that you unconsciously masterminded this whole drama? If not, let the world take a few more turns and your integrity will create yet another incident in which you’ll find yourself blaming others for the frictions your leadership-communication skills produce.

Let's begin with a given: Whenever two are at odds there is always a third party in the wings intending it. This intender is usually pretending to be the ally of one or both of the squabblers. This third party is usually unaware that they are intending it, and, they are in denial that their leadership-communication skills (mostly nonverbal-psychic emanations) have such effects. Most often it’s an unconscious thwarting to be right about something.

For certain there's lots of stuff going on between you and your wife. If a friend, someone I respect, tells me another trashed them I would believe them. What’s also true is my friends communicate from responsibility and so they would continue relating the incident, emptying their mind, until they got to their cause in the matter. To tell a story from blame is to lie. It also dumps the problem in another’s space. It could be said that you have set up your wife to support you in learning how to communicate responsibly. That is to say, she has had no choice but to blame her friend because you support her in blaming, because you also communicate from blame.

At the mind-level your wife expects you to stand up for her. To your credit, at some level, but for the wrong reasons, you can’t bring yourself to support the results she produced through her leadership-communication skills.

I say, “mind-level” meaning that if we try to use our mind to resolve this we won’t succeed. The mind wants to be right, that she…, etc. etc.

It might be valuable for you to look and see if you are unconsciously masterminding a divorce, by setting it up for her to issue ultimatums. This incident is really about something else between you and your wife, it’s an accumulation of incompletes, withholds, unacknowledged and nonverbalized perpetrations that you both have with each other.

You don’t say whether the incident was about racism, morals, ethics, or what. This is important. We do know that it involved abuse because your wife is experiencing pain. You refuse to acknowledge her pain. This invalidates her and causes her immense frustration. It’s abusive of you to treat your wife this way. If your wife’s friend supports racism or abuse or is involved in something illegal/unethical then there is a supportive way to estrange oneself from such a relationship. Remember, your golf buddy (however unconscious he may be) supports his wife in offending (abusing) yours. The same holds true for you; you support your wife in badmouthing and abusing her friend. We know this from the results.

Your golf buddy is one of the third parties in the wings, as are you. You and your buddy act as though no fight is taking place. It’s time to take golf to another level and get into communication with each other. Then the both of you can engage the women in the conversations it will take to get to the source of the incident. Tip: Don’t hang out with people who refuse to find their cause in fights they start/support.

Here’s my advice: Tap into the Wisdom of Solomon. Get into communication with both women and support each in communicating their cause in the matter. Now the problem with this advice is that you can’t do it. Even if you attempt to mediate a peaceful resolution you won’t succeed. Why? Because your wife is mirroring for you an earlier and similar incident in your life for which you are still blaming (and shunning) another. Until you resolve that incident you can’t be the space for truth to be told, and, no one around you will be able to get to the truth of who starts their fights.

This is a tremendous opportunity for you and lots of others. Your letter is a gift to those who are stuck producing (and reproducing) similar outcomes. Thank you. Gabby

PS. Check back from time to time. I may edit/add more. (minor edits 10/11/09)

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