Dear Annie: I’d like to add my encouragement to “Stuck in Adulthood,” who says he is too serious, I am 16 and serious and, yes I am always told to “lighten up.” What’s wrong with being serious? Why can’t people say, “Look at that mature teen getting a head start on life”? All my uncles were serious as teens, and now they are engineers, businessmen, professional musicians and doctors. All my aunts love them. My dad was serious, too, and my parents have a wonderful relationship.

It makes me feel better to know I am not the only one. –Blessed With Premature Adulthood, Leona Valley, Calif.

Dear Leona: Thanks for writing. We can tell by your letter that you are indeed a mature teen getting a head start in life. Good for you. —Annie

Gabby's Reply

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Hi Leona: There is a problem-solving exercise in which you are asked to communicate from the point of view that you are causing (intending) what others say to you. Let’s say it’s the genius in you that unconsciously keeps setting it up for others to tell you that you are too serious. What do you suppose you have been up to that you’ve been setting up your friends to tell you to lighten up? To invalidate them, to make them wrong? Not! My sense is that you are shut down emotionally and don’t know it. A normal healthy person, one who is whole and complete, flows in and out of the entire range of human emotions throughout the day, sometimes even during a given conversation. That you've been driven to write about such innocuous comments indicates that you are incomplete about something. Whatever you do, do not try to lighten up (keep reading).

How we communicate, verbally, non-verbally, and psychically—all that emanates from us—even our unconscious intentions, have an effect on others, especially their aliveness. It’s easy to see with store clerks. The checkout process can be pleasant and uplifting or it can actually detract from your aliveness, sapping your very energy. For example: On a scale of 1 – 10 if you stood in line experiencing being 7 in terms of feeling quite good, but as you left the store you noticed that you had dropped down to 5 on the aliveness scale, it could suggest that you had been at effect of the more sullen clerk and had been sucked down to his/her level of aliveness.

You might consider trying out my purpose in life which is to serve. Serving others give my sometimes unconscious mind a proactive activity.  Sometimes what service looks like is adding to the aliveness of others, saying, to a clerk who has become stuck in upset, “Looks like you’re having a bad day” Most always this wakes the clerk up. It’s a simple acknowledgement. It doesn’t make them wrong and gives all but the most determined dramatists, space to transform themselves right before your eyes. If it doesn't work after a few visits to the store I tell the manager, "It looks like ____ (name of the clerk) is having a bad day. This communication wakes up the manager. A grumpy clerk always mirrors a manager's communication-leadership skills. Some employees unconsciously use their skills to thwart others.

Using the clerk example, it could be said that the clerk communicated to me, non-verbally and unconsciously of course, “I’m stuck. Can you help me? I don’t mean to be grumpy. I’m dramatizing an upset that I don’t know how to clear. I don’t want to detract from your aliveness but at the moment I’m doing the best that I can, and don’t know how to get out of upset,” or serious, or whatever.

There’s a communication workshop exercise in which you must demonstrate to the person sitting opposite you that you have available to you full self-expression. You are instructed to communicate the various emotions, happiness, anger, love, covert hostility, grief, apathy, joy, etc. by reading sentences from a script using only your voice (actually it's via intention), no facial expressions (one looks like a zombie during this exercise). In a weekend-long communication workshop there are always participants who, at first, can’t communicate one or more emotions. That is to say, they have become stuck. They simply can’t flow in and out of the entire range of human emotions throughout a given conversation. While there are various barriers to full self-expression, quite often a barrier is a position, an unconscious position such as, “serious is good," or "right," or, "boring and therefore wrong.” Or, “My mother was pathetically sad, so I am not going to grow up to be like her;” in which case the person develops a “happy act,” which unbeknownst to them comes across as phony and insincere.

Your position is obviously having an effect on those with whom you relate. You set up your friends to tell you to “lighten up” and instead of thanking them you arrogantly ignore their support. The way in which you relate (communicate) causes others to feel uncomfortable, and I suspect, less-than. Your self-righteous position about being one of the few who is smart enough to want to get a head start comes across as holier than thou. It doesn’t feel good. It detracts from the aliveness of others. It is in fact, covert abuse. It’s a way to make others wrong.

Now here’s my advice. Keep doing it. Keep acting serious, only even more so. Really get into it. Pretend you’re an actress whose character is ten times more serious than you are. Dramatize it to your fullest ability. Why, you ask, would I advise you to keep invalidating your friends and justifying your dour, intimidating, energy-sapping countenance? It's because presently you don’t have any choice in the matter. Your attachment to  your relatives is such that you are now emulating them. You simply can’t yet conceive that it’s possible to be on-purpose in life and radiate happiness. You are programmed to have a "serious looking act." The advice you can be trusted to act upon is to observe yourself. Through observation you will begin to have choices. In other words, if your intention is to add to the aliveness of others then the process of uplifting others will uplift you. When you serve you are served.

You are absolutely right, I acknowledged you for getting a head start on life. You are a teacher's ideal student; you validate your teachers. That being said, if you were my student I'd notice that there is something I have not acknowledged you for, and so I might say, "By the way, I applaud your serious approach to studying however, I don't see much evidence of happiness, or friendliness, or laughter. Is it me?" "No?" "What's going on for you about that?"

It will work to discuss this subject matter with others. Show them this post. With aloha, Gabby

Re: “Blessed.” Religious expressions used outside your social circle* or those of your faith can be interpreted as “holier than thou.” Sometimes religious words are used as an unconscious identifier or as a covert proselytizing communication. Most always it serves as a separator, it creates us/them. It can have the effect of shutting down communication. At other times it’s appreciated or at least accepted. It all depends upon where the person who says it is coming from. Yours comes from self-righteousness, it didn’t feel good. The test for abuse is to ask the recipient, “How did that feel?

*Social Circle: If even one person in a conversation is not of your faith, or is an atheist, or agnostic then religious words/phrases could cause upset/discomfort (abuse).

Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 12/14/10)

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