Dear Annie: Yesterday I received a phone call from my daughter-in-law. She stated that she would appreciate it if I didn’t call her anymore until I was ready to admit that I was telling lies about her and that I would stop.

Annie, I haven't been saying anything about her, and I refuse to admit to something when I am innocent. We live in a small town, and I suggested that we go to whoever is telling her this piece of baloney and confront them. What should I do? Shunned Mother-in-Law

Dear Shunned: Talk to your son, and explain the problem. Ask him to talk to his wife and get her to consider the possibility that one of her "friends" is trying to poison the well. Meanwhile, call your daughter-in-law and say you are sorry—not for doing anything wrong, but because she obviously was hurt by this malicious person, and a good relationship with her is important to you. —Annie

Gabby's Reply

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Hi Shunned: Your offer to go with her to the source was the correct response. When she declined your offer it would have worked for you to say, "May I have the person's  name so that I, or even your husband, can talk with him/her?"  My sense is that she would have refused; ostensibly, so she would think, because she doesn't want to violate the trust of the gossiper, however, the truth is she knows at some level that she was the cause of, the space for, the divisive gossip to take place. She knows that she empowered the divider to get her fix for the day. Also, she knows that she was looking for crap to make you further wrong for something.

Let's assume that the gossiper has manufactured a bold-faced lie. This means that your daughter-in-law is equally damaged, to the point where she can't experience the sickness of someone who maintains friendships by passing along lies, so damaged that she thinks nothing of abusing you based upon hearsay. This means your son is equally damaged because he can’t see it and therefore is consciously or unconsciously supporting her abuse of you.

For example: If your DIL were a person of integrity she would have replied to the gossiper  "H'mm, that's uncomfortable to hear. Have to told my MIL that you're saying these things about her? Let's call her, together now."

It will be of more value to you if we address the fact that you are creating this drama. Of all the problems and issues in the world that could use your support you are stuck handling crapolla like this? As damaged as they all are (your daughter, the gossiper, and your son, the enabler) they are mirroring you.

We'll begin by acknowledging that your leadership-communication skills trained your son to select her. Now he’s using what you taught him to support her abusive treatment of you. This is his covert and irresponsible way of delivering a communication to you, through her.

I’m concerned that you don’t mention having discussed this with your son. It’s hard to imagine that he’s not aware of her decision and therefore what it’s based upon. If he is aware then he has looked into it and satisfied himself such that he supports her decision. This suggests that she has agreement, that you have been maligning her. Perhaps he has withholds and resentments about your addiction to blaming rhetoric—I’m innocent, she’s wrong, I didn’t do anything, it’s her fault.

I’m always suspect when one party in a squabble feigns innocence. This is not about what she heard from another. It’s unlikely that she would trash a loving supportive relationship based upon a single incident, from hearsay no less. This smacks of the straw that broke…. Go back in time and see when you started the fight. With coaching from a communication-skills coach you could locate the exact abusive conversation that upset her—from which she has yet to recover—the one you have yet to acknowledge to yourself or her as being abusive. You might notice that your mind won’t allow you to locate the first incident by yourself because it protects your point of view about how nice you are. Aren’t we all?

It appears that you are not allowing the remote possibility that you have communicated (even unconsciously) a negative judgment, opinion, or consideration about her nonverbally. You come across as an arrogant argumentative victim. You wrote "I haven't been saying anything about her" yet you and I know a glance or silence at the right moment communicates volumes. Being in a circle of gossipers and not speaking up is tantamount to agreement and condones malicious gossiping. An unconscious communication has as much an effect as a conscious one. Just because you are unaware of having gossiped doesn't mean you didn't. Who else in your life would say you're a badmouther?

To clean up this relationship you will have to be willing to set aside your beliefs and go back in time and see what you did to cause her to want to shun you. You’ve got to have said or done something that forces her to insist upon boundaries so that she doesn’t engage in any more abusive conversations with you.

I support you in honoring her request. No means no.

Here's two options: Engage the services of a communication-skills coach, therapist, or counselor; ask for support in locating the first incident with her, better yet the very first person who didn’t want to play with you anymore. Then schedule a face-to-face private lunch with your son. In this order, else you will bring to the lunch the same communication model that created this result and create even more problems.

Millions will see themselves as one or more characters in your drama. Few are as conscious as your daughter-in-law, to both shun you and to let you know what will satisfy her so as to interact with you again—most either dump the person for life or put up with the abuse. Fewer still are as conscious as you to have set up life to complete this pattern, reaching out as you have. In terms of your own path to enlightenment it could also be said you’ve done well with your son who chose her. There are several geniuses at work here.

With aloha, Gabby

FYI: Throughout life I've had several "friends" relate to me untrue gossip about me. I've learned to ask, "Who told you that?" Most always a person addicted to eliciting gossip, a trouble-making divider, replies, "I can't say." To which I reply, "Well get back to me when you can." And that's it for me with them. I expect a lot from my friends. In other words, the friend set me up to support them in not eliciting and passing on gossip. They dumped crapolla in my space. The friend should have said to the gossiper, "Will you tell Gabby what you are saying?" Get a yes or no. If no, then, "If you won't then you leave me no choice but to tell Gabby that you are spreading this story." Relayers are stuck in the adversarial communication model, they excel at dividing. It's best to facilitate them in bottoming out. Once they have destroyed all their relationships, including theirs with me, they can start all over again with a new set of ethics. The friends I have now don't attract gossipers.

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