DEAR ABBY: I am in a committed 10-year marriage with "Cathy," a woman I love dearly. My problem is, Cathy doesn't trust me. Her ex-husband cheated on her, her father cheated on her mother, and I feel like I'm paying for their sins.

I play in a band that has "gigs" in bars once a month. I also like to go for a beer with the fellas after work a couple of times a month. (I work days in a manufacturing plant.) Whenever I play with the band and Cathy is present, I constantly have to watch that I don't talk to any women in her presence.

The place I work has 1,200 employees. Many of them come to see our band to show their support. (The majority of our employees are female.) Cathy considers it disrespectful to her that they come to hear us, and she acts as if she's in constant fear that I might stray, despite my reassurances that I'm totally committed to her. What can I do? I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. - DESPERATE TO UNDERSTAND IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DESPERATE: There is nothing you can do because the problem isn't yours; it's your wife’s. Until you came into her life, her two most significant male relationships were with men who were unfaithful. The fact that the male role model - her father - was a cheater set up her expectations for how "all" men behave.

If you haven't already done so, I urge you to have a serious talk with your wife about how her suspicions make you feel. It is unrealistic to expect you to spend the rest of your life wearing blinders and talking only to men. If she's smart, she'll talk to a counselor about this, because suspicion and accusations that an innocent spouse is cheating can destroy a marriage as surely as infidelity can. —Abby

Gabby's Reply

[ top ]

Hi Desperate to Understand: It’s great that you wrote. You’ve been trying to understand something the mind hides from itself. The thoughts you’ve been thinking keep producing more of the same results, “She’s wrong.” “I’m right.” etc. Here’s a few thoughts in support of thinking outside the box.

My initial hit is that you are unconsciously masterminding a divorce—cleverly building an excellent case in which others will agree that she needs more therapy than you. I suspect that the immature you married someone whom you knew to be immature, needy, and insecure. Perhaps you thought you could manipulate her. What you’ve discovered is that you’re both control freaks. “Do it my way or else I’ll make your life miserable.” “Work in an all male company and don’t play music in front of women looking for a good time.” “I’ll work and play music where I want and I don’t give a damn that it bothers you.”

Your mind, in its box, knows with certainty that you have not been unfaithful, yet Cathy experiences, senses, or intuits otherwise. One option of course is to go the rest of your life denying and invalidating her experience. Another option is to set aside your beliefs and discover what she’s picking up on. We already know that invalidating her experience produces more of the same. My reply addresses the possibility that she knows something we don’t. Even if she’s totally wrong, you both require therapy/counseling (read on). 

With the first option you could of course continue to argue; “Let’s assume that I change jobs and work for an all-male company and give up playing music. What then? My sense is that you would accuse me of looking at store clerks. What would prove to you that I am not consciously or unconsciously seducing women? Would you feel more secure if I were blind or became disfigured? What if it is all in your imagination? Can you conceive of what it must be like—to not be trusted—to live with someone who wants to change you?" Or, “At what point in time will I have to say, 'I can’t take this abusive attack of my integrity any more' and divorce you?'”

The second option requires that we begin with the premise that a problem persists because there’s a lie somewhere. When you tell the truth the problem will disappear. For example: No matter who told you or her the problem has nothing to do with the other two cheating incidents in her life. That’s a smoke screen your minds use so that you don’t have to look at the truth. We know this to be true because you’ve both been saying that supposed truth and the problem has not disappeared.

This is a great opportunity to expand your definition of the word responsibility, which includes being willing to acknowledge that you cause your creations. In the communication mastery curriculum one learns how to create a base-line communication model. It’s a great place to start from when solving problems because all parties agree to communicate from the point of view that each caused the problem and that each intends (causes) what the other says to us—zero blaming. You can begin by asking yourself, “H’mm, what’s the genius in me up to that I would create my wife saying I’m unfaithful? It doesn’t make sense to argue with my own creation, my other self.” It’s a valuable model because you can jump in and out of it at will. It precludes arguing because with practice you expand your awareness to where you begin to have choices to not argue right in the middle of a conversation; you have the option of intending what the another is saying. Applied to your situation this means that however unbelievable it appears, it is you who are setting it up (albeit unconsciously) to have her give you this feedback. The prerequisite with this model is both must agree to communicate from responsibility, otherwise what you have is one victim accepting blame for everything.

Another way of looking at it: Let's say that Cathy, unbeknownst even to herself, verges on being psychic, that she can see and sense things that our cluttered minds can’t. Something akin to an infrared telescope that sees things beyond the visible spectrum. Our task then is to get (to recreate) what she’s seeing as opposed to arguing and invalidating it. If you keep invalidating her it will drive her crazy. She’ll have to keep repeating herself until someone (some go to the extreme of being committed to a residential mental facility) validates her experience. If I spent time with you and Cathy I could translate her experience for you in a way that your mind could get.

Let’s further assume then that with her psychic ability she knows with absolute certainty you will divorce her some day. The only proof of this will be for us to look back ten years from now and notice that you are married to another woman. Because she can envision this outcome and can’t get you to even be willing to look at it as a possibility, it drives her crazy. As opposed to: “You’re right Cathy. Although I’m unaware that I’m looking at other woman, or looking for another woman, it is nevertheless true that I will have to leave you if I cannot cause communication to take place between us. Undoubtedly I am searching for the peace that comes from inspiring trust. I do know that it is unethical of me to hang around you trying to change you and this behavior.”

Or, “I have to be willing to look at the possibility that I am unconsciously masterminding a divorce, saving up incidents to justify leaving you—if so, let’s divorce now without going through this energy-sapping drama.”

Desperate, you’re the one that magnetically attracted an insecure, possessive clinger. Most would agree that she is stuck in childhood somewhere between ages 3 and 15. For certain she evidenced these behaviors when you were first dating. In fact we could review conversations you’ve had with her in which you rewarded and further inspired her behavior. Put another way, you are equally as damaged as she is. You focus on your problem with her, her behavior, so that you don’t have to acknowledge and work on that which generates this problem for you. For certain you are stuck being a helper and an enabler. You’re much too smart to not have noticed her behavior during dating. What was the incident you disregarded? Perhaps you made sex more important than listening to your intuition? You were supposed to have learned not to date immature girls when you were in high school. Perhaps a mature woman would not date you?

Here’s another reality. Ask yourself, is it possible that when you look out into the sea of women in an audience your mind is unconsciously selecting who you would consider dating if things get too crazy and you do divorce? Is this what’s she’s picking up on? Perhaps you are creating and culturing "friendships/followers" with women you would/will consider dating if you were single. One test for unconscious sexism is to look and see if you play up to men and the less attractive women in the audience as much as you do the attractive women.

At some level she can’t respect you because you keep putting up with her (someone who invalidates you). She also has a sense of what it would be like to be around someone who told the truth instead of someone who is sneaky,* someone who walks on eggshells around her. An actualized man would say, “I know I’m not being unfaithful, either mentally or physically. Get some therapy or I’ll take it to mean that you no longer wish to be married to me.”

You won't have the kind of relationship you say you want until you are willing to not have this one. I absolutely love baby kittens but experience tells me that they require too much attention. The kinds of problems (conversations) you create your wife generating for you are exactly the ones you need to be handling until you no longer need to have these kinds of conversations.

One thing we know for certain is that you are not in open and honest communication with her. You hide all sorts of experiences you have of the female workers at your job. You hide them for reasons, for fear of…. She knows that you are not honest with her. What’s also true is that she is hiding her experiences of some men she runs into, “Boy is he a good-looking!” etc. At some level she's aware of this. What would work is for you to join an enablers/co-dependent support group, soon thereafter the appropriate communications will flow from you. In the meantime, address your addiction to making her (and others) wrong. Look for a childhood incident, the very first time you made someone wrong, for which you have not been acknowledged/caught. She is merely stuck in childhood and because you are also and you don’t yet have the necessary parenting skills.

You say, “I love her dearly.” No matter what you think or believe, what you are experiencing is not love. It is both unethical and abusive to try and change someone. Using your leadership-communication skills you've set it up for her to try and change you. That’s called manipulative. Your letter is about trying to change her, to get her to stop this behavior. It’s miserable to hang around someone who thinks you need to get better, someone who wants to change you. Love is intending for the other to be the way they are.

* "I constantly have to watch that I don't talk to any women in her presence." She knows that you do talk to women when she's not present, and, that you have not shared those conversations with her. Your sneaky deceit upsets her. With aloha, Gabby

PS. Please show Cathy and both sets of parents this post. Each player is the glue that keeps this drama in place. Each, from his/her own perspective, using his/her leadership-communication skills, is sole cause for this outcome. However, in your universe you are sole cause for the problem; to not solicit, or to ignore their feedback is to choose to have the problem another 24 hours. There are conversations that you were supposed to have had with your parents and her parents that you have yet to have; if they continue to support you as they have you will end up divorced.

PPS. Counseling/therapy/support group: Both of you require a minimum of 25 50-minute sessions (separately) whether you remain married or not, and, if your intention is to have your marriage work, an additional 25 sessions as a couple. I'm betting you can have it work. Once this has been resolved through to mutual satisfaction I'm certain you will have space to create/compose music.

PPPS: For a relationship to grow both must totally and absolutely admire, respect, and therefore support, each other's purpose in life. In a relationship that has become stuck in mediocrity (not much aliveness and happiness) one or both partners do not have respect for the other's work, and, mostly communicate their disrespect nonverbally. This results in unconscious thwarting and sabotage—not unlike the spouse of a tightrope walker who wishes his/her spouse took up another profession.

BTW: Millions of married couples have these kinds of control problems.

[ top ]