Dear Abby: My boyfriend of 2½ years, "Neil," broke up with me last August. At the time I couldn't understand why he suddenly changed so drastically. Early in our relationship he had been accepting of my two children, but towards the end he became distant and cold to them. Then he told me he didn't want to raise another man's children and wasn't interested in being a mentor to a teenage boy.

Neil was also angry that I had refused to end my relationship with my best friend, who happens to be a gay man. Neil said there is no place in society for gays and didn't want a gay person calling his house.

Neil works for a company that he has always had an interest in owning. Last spring, the owner died suddenly and left shares of the business to his widow, "Nancy" and their children. Neil told me he intended to borrow the money from his family and buy out the youngest son's interest—but his family didn't have the money to loan. About a month after that, in the midst of complaining to me about his financial woes, Neil commented, "Maybe I'll get me a rich old woman to take care of me . . . someone like Nancy."

Over the next few months, I saw him less and less. Little did I know that he had already manipulated a relationship with Nancy.

Abby, Nancy is a very nice, classy person. I like the woman. I went to her home for her husband's wake. Should I tell Nancy what Neil is up to, that he's a conniving loser? I'm afraid if I do, she won't believe me. Neil can be very sweet when he wants to be, and I'm sure she hasn't glimpsed his hateful, controlling side. His only real love is money and power.

My motive is not spite. I don't want Neil back. I have a new boyfriend who is everything Neil could never be. I just feel Nancy should know what's ahead. She has a gay teenage son. I'm sure when Neil gets what he wants, that boy's life will be hell.

So you tell me: Should I talk to Nancy and risk looking like sour grapes, or let her find out what a low life, gold-digging scumbag Neil is for herself? TORN IN SAN DIEGO

Dear Torn: Ordinarily, I would tell you to stay out of it. However, because of Nancy's son, I'm reversing myself. Make a date with Nancy (if she'll see you) and without calling names, tell her about Neil's longtime interest in buying into her business, his cash flow problems and his homophobia. If she has a legal advisor, I'm sure that person will discuss with her the advisability of a prenuptial agreements should she decide to remarry, And your conscience will be clear. —Abby

Gabby's Reply

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Hi Torn: Not many readers buy your "not spite" claim; you imply that spite would be inappropriate for such a nice person as you. On the contrary, most recognize that spite is a normal knee-jerk reaction; it's not the most mature or noble thought, simply human. Spite happens in the space of not accepting responsibility for causing an outcome. Once you fess up to manipulating him into treating you the way he did you won't have to worry about anyone thinking you're acting from spite—the whole story will be minus the lying, blaming make-wrongs, and name calling, it will have a different tone. The way to complete your experience of spite is to acknowledge it rather than deny it; else, you come across as a spiteful person pretending to not be spiteful—as in "holier than thou." Is it possible that one of your parents had spiteful tendencies and so you operate from a decision to not be like him/her?

I've had dozens of similar incidents. Fortunately those sky-writing airplanes are too expensive.  The problem with "warning" Nancy directly is that you can't be certain if you're not unconsciously acting partly out of spite or sabotage or even hate. A good test is to see if you'd be willing to drop it and live with the occasional gnawing temptation to ruin his relationship and business. I've discovered that eventually responsibility sinks in when I choose to be with what I'm experiencing, rather than act upon my mind's knee-jerk reaction.

Most readers hope, or at some level intuit, that Neil will create his own comeuppance, but for you to be the slayer is not becoming of you. Further, it reveals your ignorance of how life works. He simply can't be happy behaving/believing as he does. He needs to see himself and cause his own downfall. If you push him down he could blame you for his failure rather than suspect it might have to do with his own machinations.

Did you notice your lie? "His only real love is money and power." Even unconscious lies have undesirable consequences.

Re: "He broke up with me . . . " This is a blaming victim statement. For you to complete your relationship with Neil you'll have to start telling the truth, from cause, of how you manipulated him into leaving you, of your cause of the communication breakdown or, you'll be telling the story from poor victim for life—not very powerful.

Re: ". . . he became distant and cold . . ." Not. This is a covert blame statement. One is happy and supportive and then there's an incident (referred to as an incomplete) that's not acknowledged through to mutual satisfaction. That you were unconscious and didn't catch what was on his mind, and let it slide, was how you began the "distant and cold" behavior. For me, if a freind acts shut down or distant it also affects me and so I ask "What's up." until we both are complete. In truth I hang out with those who communicate spontaneously and so pouting is considered abusive and is in fact a "set up," them non-verbally asking for support in bringing an incomplete to the surface.

All this said—you do have a valid and commendable point. The definition of the word responsibility includes one's willingness to be  "cause" for what others do to others. Just as it was your karma, and therefore necessary, for you to bring Neil into your life for you to learn something about you, so too does Nancy have a lesson to learn. You and Nancy have something in common—an addiction to abusing and being abused. You both are equally out-integrity, to the extent that it clouds your ability to judge character, evidenced by the fact that you both attracted and seduced a con. A communication-skills coach could support you in realizing that the abuse was there all along, during and even before your first date. I'm betting you knew that your parents would not have approved of him. At some level you knew and made something more important than your integrity. That is to say, a woman who is whole and complete, not needing to bring a bigoted abusive person into her life to mirror her addiction to drama, blame, and to creating abuse, would never date him a second time—most would not even date him a first time. You on the other hand submitted your children and your gay friend to this abuse for two+ years.

Your problem is so bad that I'll advise you to get 25 50-minute sessions of therapy/counseling and you won't (it's called, "I-can-do-it-myself" arrogance.) Arrogance always begs to be humbled. It's not simply that you won't, but that you can't; you're programmed to ignore good advice. Unbeknownst to you, you are intent on taking as many down with you as possible. To ignore my advice means you will continue to train your children to be poor judges of character; even worse, you'll continue to train them to not be conscious enough to recognize abuse (as in bullying) and to put up with it.

A guiding answer to your question is—would you want another to warn you of a scamming lover? Most would say yes, however, here's the rub. To badmouth him behind his back would not only result in undesirable karma for you, it would give weight, as you intuit, to the thought by another that you might possibly be motivated by spite. The ethical and responsible way to handle this is to write a letter to Neil describing in detail your understanding of what happened and your considerations about his motivations with Nancy, to include quoting his bigoted and homophobic statements. At the bottom of the letter instruct him to let Nancy read the letter and to have her write you to let you know she has read it, that he has come clean with her about everything. After a few weeks you can then ask her if he has shown her your letter. This is referred to as the Military Academy Code of Honor —it supports responsibility by giving the perpetrator the choice to report him/herself, if they don't they leave you no choice but to—else you become a co-conspirator and an enabler (the cause). In his universe it could be said he has set you up, he's counting on you, to support him in restoring his integrity.

Lest you continue to beat yourself up over this know that this incident is an essential part of the communication mastery curriculum—for many the lesson is learned during high school dating—most however, like yourself, are merely late bloomers.

Great letter for many.

Thank you, Gabby

P.S. Include the URL to this letter in your letter to him.

Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 12/17/11)

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