DEAR ABBY: I’m a 14-year old girl. My problem is my mother and the nonstop fights we’ve been having lately. I’m trying hard to do all the right things—keep my grades up, maintain my friendships—and maybe find nice boyfriends. Through it all, I’ve tried to make Mom my No. 1 priority.

My father left us, and Mom has done everything for my brother, sister and me. Even when she only had had 20 bucks in her pocket, she still kept us in our house with food on the table. What’s hardest for me right now is that I can’t do what other kids my age can—or go where they go—because of lack of money.

I have been reading my Bible every day and praying for my family—even for my dad. But I can’t seem to make Mom happy no matter how hard I try. She yells at me every time I turn around. I need some of your best advice, Abby. You can’t imagine how great it would be for me to hear something positive from Mom for a change. Thanks for listening. TROUBLE WITH MOTHER

DEAR TROUBLE WITH MOTHER: From your description, it appears your mother is stressed out and is not the mother she would wish to be. Her short fuse has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her overwhelming responsibilities to you and your siblings. Please don’t take her outbursts personally.

Clip this column and show her this letter. Tell her that you wrote it, and that you love her. Appreciate her, and want to please her. Try to be understanding. She probably doesn’t realize how bad you have been feeling, and she needs all the support she can get right now.

If the yelling continues (too much yelling can be abusive), discuss it with your clergyperson or a counselor at school. They may be able to intervene on your behalf.

Hi Trouble with Mother: You’ve described how screwed up your Mom is quite well. Most would agree that you’ve mastered blaming. For example, a responsible person would write, "My problem is the nonstop fights I’ve been having with my mother." Even better, ". . .the nonstop fights I’ve been causing with my mother."

My reply will not support you in getting your Mom to communicate positively with you. First you must master intending that she that she communicate the way she does with you.  You can’t change her and you don't have her permission to coach her. What you can do is fix you and in so doing create space for her to choose to heal.

I would have felt less concerned about you had you asked, "How do I get my Mom to therapy?"

At some point in time you will learn that if you keep doing what doesn’t work you’ll keep producing more of the same undesirable results. "Trying to make your Mom your No 1 priority" obviously hasn’t worked, yet you still keep trying. One way to find out what a person has been up to in life is to look at the results, not what they say they want.

From your description she hasn’t destroyed enough relationships in life to seek help. It’s interesting to note that you capitalize the word "Mom" and not the word "dad." I suspect you got your pattern of blaming from your Mom. Once she drove her husband out of her life she needed another sparring partner so as to get her periodic fix of adrenaline.

It’s evident that reading your "Bible" hasn’t worked for you. Clearly you’ve been intent on failing with your Mom and even covertly blaming God. Someone intent on not arguing simply walks away. Someone stuck in wanting to be right, and making another wrong, starts an argument and then lies about who started it. You should have learned by now that anything other than "trying" might just work. That you haven't, suggests that you have been damaged to the extant that you need therapy.

A religious person intent on having things work goes to a Bible reading/interpreting coach (a.k.a. a clergy person), and, at the same time gets coaching on how to formulate prayers that work. You obviously have not been asking "God" something he/she/it can grant you. A consciously worded prayer is always always answered. Put another way, you have two relationship problems, your mother and God. When your relationship with God works it works for all relationships. You have a misunderstanding about prayer.

You have a serious problem. You’ve already been so abused that you no longer know right from wrong. You make excuses for your abusive mother. You are in what's referred to as denial. So what that she has fed you. So what that she has. . . etc. That's her job. The truth is she is stuck in abusing you and your siblings. I say "serious" because you have no one coach you about the ultimatum you're supposed to issue her. "Mom, get therapy and stop your abusive yelling or I will report you to the authorities." If you don’t have the courage to do it now you certainly won’t when it’s your husband abusing you. And, no matter what you believe, unless you enroll yourself in 25 hours of counseling you will attract an abusive partner, because you are addicted to the abuse. To you verbal abuse means love.

The longer you put off insisting that your Mom get counseling the more damage you cause your Mom to inflict upon your siblings.

Here's the steps to take:

First, say the following words: "Mom, tell me something nice about me." Or, "Mom, thank me for doing the laundry." Or, "Mom what have I done that so upsets you that you feel as though you have to yell at me?" These examples are referred to as being responsible for asking for the acknowledgement your mind needs to hear so as to be complete. Never ever, for even one second, think that you are better than others and that you don't REQUIRE acknowledgement. Your mind needs to hear very specific sentences so as to be complete. Only your mind knows what these sentences sound like and what it will feel like to hear them. When adults in a weekend-long relationship communication skills workshop do the Acknowledgment Process the sounds of crying and mourning from a life-time of grief of not being acknowledged, of not being gotten ever, is beyond description. It's simply an amazing experience when one gets their magnificence.

For example: "Mom, say these words to me. I know it hurts when I yell at you and when I don't acknowledge that I know it hurts." Notice that you're not asking for an apology, simply an acknowledgment of what's so. You'll find that as you become responsible for asking for acknowledgment it will start to come without asking. No one can possibly know all the wonderful things you've done (and so you need to ask until your ego no longer runs you. For most it takes decades of service to free one of the separation between self and another). Just as you need to be acknowledged for all the good things so too do you need to acknowledged for all the perpetrations and withholds you've stuffed. If you can't create someone with whom to be open and honest and spontaneous, zero withholds, then enter everything in a journal.  You can also use the four free communication processes on The Clearing House.

If you can't ask these questions write to her saying that you want her to get abuse therapy/counseling. Tell her that if she doesn't get counseling within a week that she'll leave you with no responsible option but to bring in outside help. She'll lead you to believe that she'll get counseling but on a week later you'll notice that she has some good reason(s) why she hasn't/won't. She'll behave nicely for a few days and then resort back to yelling. Given that you are bound up by fear in your relationship with your Mom, and most likely can't picture yourself telling her to get therapy, the next best thing is to discuss the problem with your spiritual leaders or a school teacher—a responsible adult will effect a solution. My sense is that your addiction is such that you won't seek outside help so that you can continue to get your daily fix of abuse.

Keep in mind that part of your addiction to abuse is to apologize when later in life your siblings ask, "Why didn't you do something?" And yes, telling an outsider is the same as "ratting on" or "reporting" her; it will cause her embarrassment and "get her in trouble," that's because she is mistreating her children and needs therapy. The ideal is to give her a chance first and then if she won't attend therapy bring in help. She is setting you up to support her in healing. In truth you must assume the role of her mother.

Lastly, and most importantly, yelling is abusive, no matter what you read or who tells you otherwise. Come from your experience and you’ll know this is true. What’s also true is that once a person acknowledges that they have been sick and stuck in abuse, they will try to stop but still continue yelling. They still will have no choice. The difference will be that they will have asked for your support to clean it up once they see that they have done it once again. It’s your job to point it out and to extract an acknowledgment, each and every time. You'd say to your mother, "Mom, that didn’t feel good. I’d like to hear you tell me that you know it was abusive." If you "try" this on your Mom it won’t work. She has yet to acknowledge to herself, or you, that she has been stuck in abuse, and, she has yet to ask for your support in completing her experience of abuse (see the Spouse Abuse Tutorial). Eventually a person will arrive at choice, to clean it up himself or herself and ultimately they will have a choice, to not abuse.

BTW: If you don't clean up your relationship with your mom it's almost certain you'll be tempted to find yourself a boyfriend, someone whom you will manipulate into telling you that he loves you, so as to justify sex. Sex that replaces intimacy at home is but an imitation of intercourse and always has undesirable consequences, beginning with the fact that you'll have to deceive your mother to pull it off. And, you'll have to con him into deceiving your mother and his parents, hiding his plans to seduce you. It generates a mess that most adults are still cleaning up. I'm certain your mom will tell you that she deceived her parents, hide her plans to have sex, and supported the boy in deceiving both families.  Selecting a boy who condones deceit guarantees that there will eventually be deceit between you; there are no exceptions to this phenomena.

You could start babysitting and offer to split the take with your Mom.

Show your letter and my reply to your Mom. Thank you, Gabby

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