Dear Community Communications: i have a good friend that i care deeply for. However I think no let me rephrase that i know she is in an abusive relationship. I am very concerned about her as well as her 20 month old son, that resides in the house with her and her boyfriend not her sons father. This guy doesn't allow her to leave with out him to go anywhere because he tells her that he believes if someone wants to be with someone that they do not need any time alone at all. meaning her going to fill out a job application she should not even be allowed to do with out him being with her. Now that was the first thing that opened my eyes. As well as ever since he has came in her life she has taken him in to her house supported, feed, clothed an sheltered him ever since they started dating in September of 2003. he has not had a job at all doesn't even have his driver license an drives her car alone with just a permit an doesn't care what she says. She had recently moved to a new area where he an her live an doesn't have anyone but me close to her. I am about 30 minutes away an her family an a few friends are at least an hour away. This scares me when she tells him he needs to go some where for a few days to get his mind straight because she doesn't want to put up with it he refuses to go anywhere an cries to her about how much he loves her. I am very scared because today things got very bad she had called me early am an told me that someone had called her house that she didn't recognize the number so she decided to call them back an see if it was someone she knew. AS she called them back her boyfriend took the phone out of her hand an cursed out the person on the other end of the line telling them to never F****n call the house again and hung up on them. She became very up set because she thought she knew the voice of the person that called an her boyfriend had just hung up on that person. She told me then she told him that he needed to leave for a few days an he refused telling her that his mother was going on vacation with his family including his uncle, an he had no where to stay. She said oh well you need to find somewhere then because you are becoming ridiculous. So he was outside on the phone (cell phone) with his mother an my friend heard him because she had went outside to have a cigarette. He told his mother if my friend asks to tell her that she was going on vacation an he couldn't stay there. So then my friend called his uncle from inside on their house phone an asked if he was going away an he said he was but that not my friend boyfriends mother an family. So then my friends boyfriend came in grabbed the phone an hung it up on her. Now before i was talking to her an she said that she told him he needs to leave he came in the house smoking a cigarette when there is no smoking in the house due to the baby blew smoke in her face an said how are you planning on getting me to leave... now i am waiting for her to call me back an i am very worried .. what can i do to get my friend to leave him, and how can i help her an her son. I care about them very much but he plays with her mind an gets her to feel like she is at wrong. e mail me at xxxxx or post a response here thank u very much. —Charity

Gabby's Reply

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Hi Charity: The bottom-line answer to your question: “How can i help a friend in an abusive realationship?” [sic] is, you can’t, not with your present communication skills. However, that’s not a very satisfying answer. It’s definitely not what you thought you wanted/needed to hear.

The truth is, your friend is mirroring you and your leadership-communication skills. That is to say, you are asking the question both for yourself and for her. Put another way, the advice you have for her, stay away from him, you need some therapy, is precisely the advice you need to hear and take in your relationship with her.

You’ll notice that you have other abusive relationships in your life (see the definition of abuse). If I were to have dinner with you and your parents, as part of a three-hour coaching session, I could point out a dozen instances in which you and they communicate abusively. The problem is that you have become so used to it, immune is the word that comes to mind, that you can no longer see/hear it.

How can I be so sure about you? It has to do with the fact that people who have completed their experience of abuse do not attract, or hang out with, others who are addicted to abuse. It has to do with choice. For example: "What shall I do today? I know, I'll listen to someone blaming her husband for the abuse in her relationship, that should bring me down." A person who is whole and complete, one who is committed to life, does not choose to submit themselves to abuse. Each minute of each hour we have a choice. Those addicted to abuse and to enabling abuse addicts have lost their ability to choose.

"Completed" here means that they have been there and done that, and, they can be trusted to daily opt for abuse-free conversations. They have found a way, they have created a communication model, that includes acknowledging each and every abusive communication. Not one goes by unacknowledged and therefore each one is completed. Incidents are communicated through to mutual satisfaction, none build up. Anger about burnt toast is simply anger about burnt toast, and it's over, gone, completed, disappeared in a few seconds.

For example:

“That didn’t feel good.”
"I got it. Thanks.” Not, “That was abusive.” (make-wrong).
“I wasn’t being abusive, (invalidating argument) I was just trying to explain…."
"Boy, do you need therapy!” (condescending blaming put-down).

If on the first date someone is abusive that incident needs to be completed through to mutual satisfaction.

The test for abuse is the receiver's experience, no matter what the “sender” believes. The problem is that most receivers of abuse have grown up being put down, invalidated, condescended to, and therefore have a difficult time hearing abuse. A person addicted to abuse requires their daily fix of abuse. Yes, "requires." They unconsciously intentionally find (attract, magnetically bring into their life) an equally sick person and trigger his/her sickness with their own sickness. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon.

The word “receiver” is inaccurate; however, I use it here because most of us grew up with the "sender<—>receiver" communication model.

You view your friend as the victim rather than the cause of the abuse she participates in. This is called bias. In truth it's your creation, your stage play, each of them playing his/her essential role. The wisdom of Solomon was that he could not only see how both caused it, he could guide both in seeing how they each caused it—therefore the decision (who paid what to whom) was usually determined by the litigants themselves.

Depending upon how powerful you’re willing to be, the word “participates” is also inaccurate. ". . .cause of the abuse she creates..." would be a responsible statement.

Because you have reached out for a friend it indicates that you are willing to be the leader and so it can be said that this problem is the result your leadership-communication model is producing/creating. It’s a "tree in the forest" kind of thing. We assume trees make noises when they fall and no human is around to hear the noise, but we don’t know for sure. We also assume they would still be abusive to each other if you were not in their life to hear or hear about it, BUT, we don't know for sure. What we do know for sure is that you will not be able to eliminate yourself as the key enabler in her relationship until you extract yourself completely from the dynamic. Put another way, all people stuck in abuse, who honestly see themselves as the victim, require one or more people (friends, in this case, you) to agree with them (it’s called enabling). They create a witness who agrees that it’s their partner who is the more abusive. A person who has completed his/her experience of abuse knows with certainty that they create, cause, intend (however unconscious they may have been at first), all abuse in their relationships. That’s why they no longer attract (hang around with) others who are stuck in abuse. To do so would be choosing to live in a drama-filled, energy-sapping “Soap Opera.”

You have created her to use you as a dumping ground. It is abusive to you (your spirit, your very health) for her to dump problems she is not willing to solve with finality in your space. Friends share problems with the intention to resolve them. In this way both feel valued. She is intentionally (albeit unconsciously) not resolving her problem, partly to communicate her disrespect of you. No friend would put up with (support/reward with his/her presence) such suicidal, badmouthing, blaming behavior. What's worse, you have not been able to hear the abuse between you and her, because you're as addicted to the abuse, to the drama, as she is.

She cannot begin to heal with you in her life. She won’t seek effective counseling until she has driven all friends out of her life. That is to say, you have been counseling her, just ineffectively, in a way that perpetuates the problem. It's called enabling.

In answer your question: To ensure that it's not you who are addicted to enabling and abuse you need to extract yourself from that relationship. Quite often people who are addicted to abuse become helpers so that they don’t have to work on their own stuff. Send her a letter communicating that you won't be interacting with her (at all) until she can tell you that she has not been in communication with him (and her parents) for six months in a row. And, that she has completed 25 hours of individual therapy, or counseling. If after six months she’s still with him, then he also needs to have completed the same amount of individual therapy. Once you present her with this supportive ultimatum, you’ll notice that she has no choice but to ignore it, (to refuse your friendship and support), such is her addiction. This will reveal that you simply don’t have the communication skills to inspire her to opt for an abuse-free life. I know this sounds beyond tough love, yet we do it daily with people/children, "street-people," starving elsewhere. The best we can do is work on ourselves so as to improve our communication skills. Helping merely creates dependency.

Re: “and her parents.” Read the Community Support Group Project —it addresses the fact that the majority of parolees return to interacting with their families/friends and that about 50% end up back in prison. It’s the communication-leadership model of their social group that supported him/her in not going straight to begin with. Parents/friends, because they also have not undergone rehabilitation, unconsciously undo all the rehabilitation efforts of the prison staff—this happens within a few conversations (yes, just a few) upon being released from prison, such is the power of imprinting. In other words, for her to heal, her parents will have to undergo an equal amount of therapy, that, or she will have to decide to not interact with them for life.

Telling her to leave an abusive relationship is the same as when your hypocritical parents told you not to lie, badmouth others, or to not do alcohol/drugs. You had no choice then but to ignorethem, so too does your friend have no choice but ignore you. The same advice (support) communicated by a person of integrity is gotten and acted upon, out of love and respect. Your advice, desires, and wishes, for her come from hypocrisy and therefore communication can’t take place. Were you yourself living an abuse-free life she’d get it, she’d want to be and live like you.

Please acknowledge yourself. Of the billions of people on the planet who daily see their friends being abusive to each other, very very few seek professional advice asking what they can do to help. Most think about taking some step or action but end up doing little or nothing effective and therefore produce more of the same results. In truth they don’t want to look at their responsibility (cause) in the matter. Reaching out as you have is proof positive that you are well on the path towards a life of service and enlightenment. Extending yourself as you have will reap you tenfold.

Please do not post again until you can tell me you have not interacted with her for six months in a row. To chose to interact with her another 24 hours reveals your own addiction to abuse and your intention to keeping her stuck, and to needing equally as much therapy. You can no longer say that you didn’t know she mirrors you. The hurt and pain you must be willing to choose to experience, from the seeming loss of her friendship, for setting the relationship with her on the back burner, perhaps forever, (we just don’t know if she will ever choose to heal) is the exact same pain she must be willing to experience to heal herself. It’s up to you to lead the way.

Thanks so much for reaching out. Most everyone has at least one of these relationships.

With aloha,

Kerry

PS. Your use of small "i" gets in the way of what you are communicating. It dilutes the importance of the content. It communicates less-than-respect. Also, get yourself a spell-checker. 

PPS. If you find this reply to be of value a donation will be appreciated muchly. A donation will both anchor (acknowledge) the value to be gotten from my reply and support us in serving others.

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