Dear Prudence: I received a letter informing me that my husband was having an affair. The letter was unsigned and offered no proof. The letter did not mention a specific woman by name but described someone who is involved in our life in a business matter and whose husband plays with my husband on a sports team.

At times I have been uncomfortable with the interest this particular woman would show my husband, but I am confident that he never encouraged or returned the interest. When I showed him the letter, he also felt it was describing this woman but assured me he had never been unfaithful—with her or any other woman. I completely believe him.

For other reasons, the timing is very good right now for my husband to quit the activities that currently involve her and her husband, so he is going to do just that. Our question is whether we should let her know that we received the letter. We have no idea who sent it but it could be her husband, out of jealousy, or perhaps she sent it herself in an effort to sabotage our marriage.

We feel she needs to be told that she’s been accused of this. What is your advice on this matter? Secure in My Marriage and Looking To Do the Right Thing.

Dear Sec: Prudie’s inner Miss Marple says the husband did not do it, the wife did. There are head cases like this who write anonymous letters in hopes of making trouble and putting themselves in the middle of a drama.
Don’t mention the letter. The inference from your silence will be that the issue was a nonstarter. —Prudie, confidentially.

Gabby's Reply

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Hi Sec: This is a wake up call. We don’t know for what reason, just that something’s out integrity-wise. People who are clear about their purpose in life, those who are operating from integrity, have no time, space, or need to create such drama. If something like this does come up they handle it within in a few conversations. They do what it takes (sans fear) to get to the source of the problem.

A spouse who is on purpose with his/her marriage does not attract “interest.” The love and commitment is so obvious it’s ludicrous for another to even think those thoughts around such a spouse. An analogy might be the inappropriateness of asking the Pope for a date. A person on the prowl can tell within a seemingly innocent interaction whether someone is open to dancing, to flirting, to possibilities. Quite often an "innocent" fishes with innuendos and double entendre humor. A wholesome person has uncanny senses. My point being, Your husband sent or is sending some signals—grant they may be unconscious. However, with coaching, a person who has nothing to hide can be supported in acknowledging the flirtatious communications. The realization of unconscious flirting can be a transformational experience. It always reveals withholds. When young another pointed out that I winked at most all girls. I wasn't aware of it.

There is a communication model called Intentional Communications. It begins with a commitment to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously—zero withholds. Couples who use this model are willing to look at such “interest” communications from the point of view that they did in fact intend the interest given that’s the results they produced with their leadership-communication skills. This means that you’d have to be willing to look at this incident from your cause. What on earth could you be up to that you would unconsciously mastermind such a bizarre incident? The answer is there if you’re willing to look. Another perspective is to ask, what could your husband possibly have done, to whom, that he would deserve to punish himself this way? Can you spell k_a_r_m_a?

Your letter reveals that you do not communicate openly and honestly, with your friends. A person of integrity would simply call immediately or at least invite the couple to have coffee. You'd show them the letter, ask for their help, and communicate your curiosity and concern for everyone in the community. Someone is reaching out for help. Four minds have a better chance of figuring out what’s going on. That a "coffee" date solution hasn’t already been implemented indicates that there’s more in the space than you are willing to acknowledge. Of course you'd have to be willing to acknowledge your withholds and judgments about her to her. I assure you her husband knows, at some level, of her “interest” communications. The experience would validate his suspicions, and, give him an opportunity to acknowledge his intentions and his cause in the matter.   Thanks, Gabby

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