#45 Anonymous letter my husband is having an affair / Am I unconsciously intending this drama?


Dear Prudence: I received a letter informing me that my husband was having an affair. The letter was unsigned and offered no proof. The letter did not mention a specific woman by name but described someone who is involved in our life in a business matter and whose husband plays with my husband on a sports team.

At times I have been uncomfortable with the interest this particular woman would show my husband, but I am confident that he never encouraged or returned the interest. When I showed him the letter, he also felt it was describing this woman but assured me he had never been unfaithful—with her or any other woman. I completely believe him.

For other reasons, the timing is very good right now for my husband to quit the activities that currently involve her and her husband, so he is going to do just that. Our question is whether we should let her know that we received the letter. We have no idea who sent it but it could be her husband, out of jealousy, or perhaps she sent it herself in an effort to sabotage our marriage.

We feel she needs to be told that she's been accused of this. What is your advice on this matter? —Secure in My Marriage and Looking To Do the Right Thing.

Dear Sec: Prudie's inner Miss Marple says the husband did not do it, the wife did. There are head cases like this who write anonymous letters in hopes of making trouble and putting themselves in the middle of a drama.

Don't mention the letter. The inference from your silence will be that the issue was a nonstarter. —Prudie, confidentially.

Gabby's Reply

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  Gabby's Reply:

Hi Secure . . .: This is a wake up call; we don't know for what reason, just that something's out integrity-wise. People who are clear about their purpose in life, those who are operating with integrity, have no time, space, or need to create such drama. If something like this does come up they handle it within in a few conversations. They do what it takes (w/o fear) to get to the source of the problem.

For example: Within minutes of receiving such a letter one is on the phone. "Hi Possible Letter Writer: I just received a letter that states . . .  My paranoid mind is calling around trying to find someone who might have an idea who sent it?" [Her response would let you know if your suspicions are correct. i.e. Angry, defensive, sincerely helpful, etc.?]  Your husband would ask the same to his friend.

A spouse who is on purpose with his/her marriage, and life, does not attract "interest" nor would they warrant such spite. The love and commitment is so obvious it's ludicrous for another to even think those thoughts around such a spouse; such relationships are often looked upon with respect and admiration. An analogy might be the futility and inappropriateness of flirting with the Pope.

BTW: As a recovering "tease" and "flirt" addict I can vouch that it takes considerable introspection and an incredible number of truthful conversations so as to be able to choose to simply be—without adding  confusing non-verbal withholds, mixed messages, or hidden agendas. When younger, someone pointed out that I winked at most girls. I wasn't aware of doing it. Later, with one relationship, I was continually accused of cheating but knew I hadn't; after we split I discovered that I had been trolling for the next relationship, unawares that I had been unconsciously masterminding a divorce, therefore I had been being "nice" to all potential women (i.e. psychic cheating—which my now ex wife had picked up on from my aura).

A "prowler" can tell, within a seemingly innocent interaction, whether their "target" is open to flirtatious dancing, to possibilities. The slightest, almost imperceptible, micro-facial tell from the target grants permission for more flirting. Quite often a prowler fishes with innuendos and double entendre humor. i.e. "Love that bat." "I like the way you swing." etc. A married person committed to integrity is conscious and therefore has access to all of his/her senses; they can intuit what's happening and nip it in the bud (and, most importantly, later share the flirting interaction with his/her spouse). My point being, your husband sent or is sending some signalsthe communications may be unconscious facial micro-muscle movements (as in a gambling "tell"). However, through coaching, a person who has nothing to hide can be supported in acknowledging having caused/supported the flirtatious communications. A typical knee-jerk reaction such as, "I didn't do anything" invalidates ones natural loving magnetic presence and its effects [everyone one wants to hang around truly loving people]. The realization of an unconscious flirting addiction can be a transformational experience; it always reveals withholds. Such a person (once transformed) can become an excellent enroller for social change.

There is a communication model (a way of interacting) called Intentional Communication. It begins with a commitment to communicate responsibly, openly, honestly, and spontaneously—zero significant thoughts withheld; between couples this precludes thousands of breakdowns in communication. Couples who agree to use this communication model are willing to look at such "interest" communications from the point of view that both partners (yes both) did in fact intend the interest—however unconscious they may have been—given that's the results they produced with their leadership-communication skills. This means that you'll have to be willing to look at this incident from your cause. What on earth could you be up to that you would unconsciously mastermind such a bizarre incident? The answer is there if you're willing to look.  Often one doesn't discover, until after the divorce, that all along, they had been unconsciously masterminding a divorce (possibly covertly manipulating their partner to initiate the divorce). 

Another perspective is to ask, what could you/your husband possibly have done to warrant such a problem? Can you spell k a r m a? The letter reveals upset, spite and revenge.

Re: "I completely believe him." The majority of divorced partners, many of whom are still dragging around their "victim" act, honestly believed their spouse was faithful; they were so unconscious as to be clueless, yet when the game was over, with coaching, they could easily see that they did in fact "suspect" all along (they resist using the word, "knew").  Note: The majority of prisoners continue to profess their innocence; spoken with profound eye-to-eye sincerity it's a powerful way of controlling others, keeping them incomplete, wondering if they have made a mistake.

Your letter reveals that you do not communicate openly and honestly with your friends; not to worry, 98% of the population communicate their judgments, withholds, and make-wrongs non-verbally. All deceits (withholds) produce undesirable outcomes.

One clue as to your husband's veracity is if you are withholding one or more significant thoughts from him. If you have been withholding a significant thought from him, one that would upset him, then you have caused him to withhold a thought from you. There are no exceptions to this entanglement phenomenon. Use The [free] Clearing Process to discover the existing withholds between you and your husband. Withholding a thought from your partner is abusive; it's controlling, it ensures that neither of you experience daily joyous love.

Power is the rate at which you create, have, and complete a problem; a person committed to being complete, a person of integrity, would simply call the suspect immediately or at least invite the couple over for coffee. You'd show them the letter, ask for their help, and communicate your curiosity and concern for everyone in the community. Someone (possibly you) is reaching out for help. Four minds have a better chance of figuring out what's going on. That a "coffee date" solution hasn't taken place indicates that there's more in the space than you've been willing to acknowledge. Of course you'd have to be willing to verbally acknowledge your withholds and judgments about her to her. I assure you the woman's husband knows, at some level, of her "interest" communications; the experience would validate his suspicions, and, give him an opportunity to acknowledge his intentions, his cause in the matter.   —Thanks, Gabby

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 10/4/17)

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