Dear Abby: A while back you listed clues to look for if you suspected your husband of being unfaithful. I’d like to add to that list: a bronze body from a tanning salon.

My husband “Jerry,” and I are the “ideal” couple. We’re both physically attractive and in good condition. We’ve been married 46 years.

Jerry brings me coffee, fruit and the newspaper in bed every morning. He has also seduced, or tried to seduce, my sisters, some of my closest friends and business associates.

When I confront him, he tells me that I have a problem and that I need help — not him! I am in therapy in order to find out what to do with the rest of my life.

Please print this list again for those who might have missed it. — Suspicious No More

Dear Suspicious No More: You are a strong lady. I’m sure you’ll make the right decisions about your future. I’m also pleased you are getting professional support, because therapy can be helpful regardless of age.

And now, the list:

1) A sudden change in manner of dress and grooming.
2) Secretiveness.
3) Unexplained absences.
4) Unfamiliar charges on your credit card or phone bills.
5) Hang-ups on your home phone.
6) Stops confiding in you or asking your advice.
7) More business trips than usual.
8) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn’t tell you.
9) Mutual friends start acting strangely towards you. (They either knew about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.)
10) Refuses to let you take him to the airport when he’s leaving town.
11) Carries condoms even though you are on the pill.
12) Deletes incoming phone messages from caller ID.
13) Leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Speedstick.
14) Becomes accusatory, asking of you have been true to him, usually out of guilt.
15) Raises hypothetical questions such as,
"Do you think it’s possible to love more than one person at a time?”
16) Buys himself new underwear.
17) Insists that the child seat, toys etc., be kept out of his car.
18) Stops wearing his wedding ring.
19) And the telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask the question in the first place. Listen to your gut.

Gabby's Reply

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Dear Suspicious No More: I trust you are aware that your letter comes from victim and blame. It’s important that you acknowledge this. Why? Because, if you don’t get to your cause in this matter you will have to recreate the scenario again with your next partner.

While his retort is an abusive make-wrong, your husband also happens to be right. You do need help, equally as much as he needs. However, the source of the problem is you—and, the reason you give for being in therapy won't solve your problem.

Let’s begin at the beginning. It was your karma that attracted a deceitful person. Thousands of women, having no need to get caught for a lifetime of withholds, abuses, and deceits with parents, teachers, and friends, attract men who honor agreements. It’s not that they have been “better” than you, it’s that they have acknowledged their perpetrations to themselves and their victims. A person who is whole and complete, having acknowledged all lies, deceits, and perpetrations, can see and hear (experience) another's lie, their mind is not clouded with incompletes. A person who has yet to acknowledge, say to their parents, that they sneaked out to have sex with their boyfriend during high school, cannot always tell when another is being deceitful to them. Sneaky withholders attract sneaky withholders. There are no exceptions to this rule.

In other words, it could be said that unconsciously attracting and choosing to marry someone addicted to withholding (deceit) thoughts was your integrity at work, supporting you in completing your relationship with your parents and others. Once you have acknowledged your perps you’ll be whole and complete and you’ll have no need to have another mirror your out-integrity.

The next thing you need to acknowledge is that you have not been a safe space for your partner to tell you the truth. You unconsciously shut down communication. Truth-telling/exchanging is an acquired leadership-communication skill. So too is withholding, deceiving, lying, and training others to lie to you, an acquired leadership-communication skill. To master being the space in which others tell you the truth you must first commit to hanging around only those who are committed to communicating responsibly, openly, honestly, and spontaneously; my experience of 30+ years reveals that honorable people socialize in very small social/family groups and prefer to not engage in conversations with those whose arua reveals out-integrities. It's best that you start your own group of one and keep a candle lit at all times—you never know when you might find a like-minded person.

You and I grew up emulating what’s referred to as the adversarial communication model. It’s the same model used within the legal system and by our parents and all (yes all) teachers. It’s characterized by badmouthing, fault-finding, and blaming, each person in the relationship withholding his/her thoughts of choice. I’ll withhold from you that I think you’re a wimp and you’ll withhold from me that you think I’m self-righteous and arrogant. Instead, we’ll both carry on our relationship on top of these thoughts withheld from each other, acting polite, withholding key truths, truths essential to each other’s growth.

Notice also that you did not include a fidelity agreement in your wedding vows. (read, Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating.)

For example: It’s most likely that one or more of your friends knew or intuited that something was wrong between you and your husband but they withheld the thought, perhaps communicating their disrespect non verbally by not inviting you to their parties. They withheld their intuition, their experience, for reasons. Reasons are the bane of most relationships. One either communicates openly, honestly, and spontaneously, or they have their reasons. A couple either communicates openly with each other or they are stuck doing their imitation of communication. This addiction to withholding thoughts costs each his/her aliveness, for most it’s the beginning of the end of the growth within the marriage, for some the accumulation of out-integrities affects their health. Any thought withheld serves as a barrier to the experience of communication (love).

When you are in-integrity it’s virtually impossible for your partner to hide things from you and visa versa. Any withhold becomes as a mote in thine eye. You’ll sense in a nano-second when he has something on his mind, usually something he believes will upset you (read about The Clearing Process).

Here are a few telltale signs that you may be unconsciously masterminding a divorce:

1) You are withholding one or more thoughts from him/her. A withhold can be a judgment, a perpetration (even a childhood one), or an unacknowledged abusive communication (you were abusive to your partner and have yet to acknowledge it to yourself or them).

2) You have perpetrated, or still are perpetrating, fraud or deceit which you have yet to acknowledge (cleaned up).

For example:

Cheating: To a high school teacher
Lying: To a parent or former partner

In other words, you are run by your arrogance, wanting to believe there are no consequences for childhood perps and abuses. You are trying to make life work without having to clean up the messes.

3) You support your partner in communicating abusively, condescendingly, without insisting that he/she acknowledge to you that they know they did it, each and every time. Condoning such abuse, by silence, creates contempt and disrespect.

4) You find yourself blaming your partner for your inability to cause him/her to open up to you.

5) You have created subject matter that cannot be discussed.

For example:

If you asked a question and it triggered upset (upset is used to distract another away from a truth) and you did not get your answer, then you have rewarded abuse, for the illusion of harmony.

6) If you honestly think that things would be better if only he/she would open up more, if only they would communicate with you, if only they would answer your questions. This point of view is called blame. You are stuck blaming him/her for your inability to cause communication to take place.

The answer: Get thee to a communication skills coach. You, not you and your partner, need to spend some time with a coach. Thanks, Gabby
 

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