| #35 Thoughts about crying after
sex / Am I destroying my new relationship? |
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Ask Dr. Drew: [ top ]
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Gabby's Reply:
Hi MV: Get yourself to a counselor or communication-skills coach. You’re on the verge of destroying your relationship. It’s time for you to take sex to its next level—from rudimentary beginner's sex to exquisite intercourse; I'm speaking of the kind where after-climax conversations are as satisfying as the physical communications. The fact that you have written reveals that although you may have talked about crying with him you have not been in-communication with him. The way we know this is because when the truth is told, when communication takes place, the experience is transformed. It’s complete. There is no mystery left. For example: You: "Gosh, I feel like I’m going to cry.” Him: “H’mm. What’s it about?” You: “Nothing. I don’t know.” Him: “H'mm . . .” (men sometimes start with ‘H’mm’ when they are coming from nothing, not knowing, no intent to fix you, merely to be there for you). “. . . what thought is associated with the experience?” The ensuing conversation would transform the experience, resulting in an expanded experience of love. The fact that it concerns you concerns me. I have these emotional peaks all the time (typically when I’m driving) however, I can eliminate the possibility that it’s about pain, or fear, or an incomplete (some unacknowledged out-integrity) by looking at the thoughts that accompany the emotion. “No pain, no grief, no guilt, no thoughts, h'mm, let's see, it follows a previous pleasant experience, it must be joy." Most often it triggers tears of joy. Two of the foremost barriers to the experience of joy are thoughts withheld and unacknowledged perpetrations. That you don't think your after-sex emotions might just be joy leads me to support you in listening to your intuition, which in this case triggers concern and worry.* He may very well be the best man you’ve ever dated and still be merely one of many dates in the learning curve to discovering (creating) love through intercourse. You say he is, “. . . very sensitive to your feelings,” yet it appears he doesn’t pick up on this non-verbal (very obvious) communication that’s emanating from you and gently whisper, “What?" Or, a conscious deep inhalation to support you in breathing through the experience.
If it’s hurt or sadness the breathing allows the sadness/incomplete to
come to the surface. If it’s joy, breathing allows the joy and ecstasy to bloom. In
other words, because he doesn’t get this subtle communication and complete it for
you and himself (get certainty) suggests that his sensitivity is partly a “sensitivity
act.” * Could it be that you sense the relationship is not as great as it appears, that you intuit the thoughts he's withholding (hiding) from you are deal-breakers? Thoughts such as, prior unacceptable perpetrations/illegal activities, or unethical behaviors, or, that he operates from a firm decision to not have certain must-have conversations, conversations you suspect he wouldn't be willing to have. In any case, ask him to do The Clearing Process for Couples with you (it's free, it will restore the integrity of the relationship). Check back occasionally for minor edits (lasted edited 2/4/12) [ top ]
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