DEAR ABBY: I was married for 19 years when my niece, "Gwen," announced at a family cookout on Mother’s Day that she and my husband, "Budd," were having an affair.

We have since divorced and they have married.

I have done all I can to accept this; however, it is very hard to do. I am very angry. I hate the fact that Gwen comes to my home every day to pick up my four children. I have asked Budd to make other arrangements so I don’t have contact with Gwen, but they refuse to cooperate. They say I am being childish and unreasonable.

I have been going to counseling and was told to "let it go" and "get over it." Please tell me how. HAD IT IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HAD IT: What happened was a betrayal—and the way you found out was brutal, ugly, and humiliating. However, for your children’s sake, you must take the high road and move on with your life. The alternative is to cut yourself off from the rest of your family at the time you most need their support. When your children are older, they will understand the terrible situation you were placed in and how courageously you have handled it.

It is also important that you take time for yourself and become socially involved again. It will distract you from your problems. You deserve to be happy, too. —ABBY

Gabby's Reply

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Hi Had It: The barrier you have to completing this incident is that you aren’t telling the truth. If you keep describing what "happened" from victim; you will die blaming him and her. The lie will eventually cost you your health.

Your task, Ms. Phelps, however impossible the mission, is to begin by constructing a huge lie. Pretend that you are an author writing a story about a woman who was incredibly unconscious, so much so that she couldn’t see that she intentionally, albeit it unconsciously at the time, seduced a man whom she knew could not be trusted. For her to grow she needed to have attracted a man who could mirror her own out-integrity. She then manipulated her husband into having an affair with her niece. Remember now, this is only a story. We know it's obviously not the truth (wink wink, nudge nudge). Notice if you are already starting to get upset. Your unresolved anger will function as a barrier to communication here.

Continuing on—this woman, long before her marriage, was also addicted to lying, to being a victim, and to blaming. The pattern set in from a childhood incident, from which she had never recovered. Unbeknownst to herself until much later, she masterminded a divorce. She was in fact extremely brilliant. There was a genius at work. The whole drama was part of her long-range intention to experience enlightenment. To become clear about lies, manipulation, and intentions, she had to master all that she disdained. She had to discover that who she related with mirrored her own communication model, her integrity.

You can complete, or not, the story. The point is that your mind has blocked your experience of being cause in the matter. Part of your mind’s job has been to cleverly pick a therapist who would support you with your blaming narrative. BTW: Advising someone to "let it go" and "get over it." is as irresponsible as telling the same to someone with AIDS.

A communication skills coach would have stipulated: "If you wish to work with me you must be willing to complete your experience of anger, victim, and blame. This means you must be willing to be coached in communicating responsibly, from cause. Are you willing to allow me to support you?"

You have an additional challenge. Specifically, you have already taught your children to lie and blame about their causes in life and relationships. You will have to emulate for them a complete turn around. It would work for you to communicate, from cause, your creation to them. It’s important they know that you and their father (and Gwen) are equally damaged and out-integrity. Once they know that you used their father to learn life’s lessons, part of it being, to complete your experience of lying and blaming, it will create space for them to grow also. If you don’t tell them the truth they will have to begin misbehaving and failing so as to draw other's attention to the big lie. Lies parents live drive kids crazy.

Gwen needs to communicate to you and the children that she was out-integrity for stealing another’s wife. Budd needs to tell you, and them, the same, that he was out-integrity to cheat on you.

When I say "communicate" I mean something other than saying or letting them know. It's a sit down with each separately, looking-each-in-the-eye experience.

Most importantly, you need to let your children know that you were out-integrity for choosing a husband (father) whom you knew to be stuck in abuse. Locate and relate to the children the exact incident that was the turning point at which you compromised your integrity (most likely it was when you first started dating Budd*). And, let them know that you are addicted to abuse and that using your leadership communication skills you set him up to cheat on you.

My advice, in this order:

1) Find yourself a counselor/therapist who is clear about responsibility and complete 25 sessions with him/her—complete all 25 sessions first before you take steps 2 & 3. 

2) Send Budd and Gwen separate letters** asking each if they be willing to acknowledge to the children their perpetrations. Include this reply in it.

It will create space for them to tell the truth to the kids, so that you can also. For you to tell the kids without asking Gwen and Budd to do so could possibly turn the kids against them or even you. We don't want to send any more nonverbal, "I'm the poor victim. Look what they did to me" messages.

3) If they refuse, let them know, again in writing, that you'll not be interacting with them (except for logistics) until each have completed (individually) 25 hours of therapy. To not issue this ultimatum is to submit your children to the effects of living and interacting with unethical irresponsible adults.

You can no longer say that you have not been told. Budd and Gwen will most likely refuse your support and you will be left with the consequences of your machinations. Your choices are: To heal or to keep relating with (causing) more abuse in your life. My sense is that you are not committed to abuse-free relationships yet.  It hasn’t gotten bad enough. You have yet to bottom out. For most people it takes a crisis—job, health, etc.

Remember, Gwen and Budd are oblivious to the fact that the simple interaction (communication) of picking up the kids (given the condition of the relationships), is an abusive communication. The way we know this is it doesn't feel good to you. There is a way for all of you to complete this mess and co-create a mutually satisfying supportive relationship, unfortunately it all depends upon your leadership-communication skills.

Be sure to show any potential partner this reply—they need to know so they can make a conscious choice. Until you get counseling (tell the truth) you will keep recreating this scenario. Thank you, Gabby

* For most the end begins near the very beginning when a dating couple have sex behind their parent's backs. This deceit communicates nonverbally to both the level of integrity they can expect of each other. In their arrogance they think it won't have consequences. For example: A woman who sneaks off to have sex knowing full well it would upset her parents most always creates what it's like to be on the receiving end of deceit. To marry a man who supported you in deceiving your parents gives him non verbal permission to deceive you. The disrespect he had for your parents should have been your clue. 

** The reason it should be in writing is that the mind has a tendency to re-write history in its favor. Their mind will begin to lie (omit the truth) about how they caused you to issue the ultimatum. The story will come out as, "Your mother won't talk to us" instead of, "We refuse to get therapy to get to the source of the abuse we inflicted on your mother." Keep your copies of the letters so that you can show the children when they are adults.

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