Dear Annie: I have been dating a man in the radio industry for the last couple of months. Unfortunately, he often uses poor grammar. I am wondering if I should correct him. I believe he might sound more professional if he polished up on his speech. I also am concerned that when he sends audition tapes to other companies, his poor grammar may hurt his chances of getting a better job.

I don’t want to make him uncomfortable by correcting him all the time, so I am not sure how to go about this. Small Town Wisconsin Girl

Dear Wisconsin: There are professional voice trainers who work with those in TV and radio to help correct grammar and pronunciation, tone down local accents and smooth out the rough edges. Do some research, and then suggest to your boyfriend that he could benefit from having an expert critique his audiotapes. —Annie

Gabby's Reply

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Hi Wisconsin: Two true-isms come to mind. "When you serve you are served" and, coaches know, "The problem is never what a client says it is."

I’m wanting to say that your boyfriend is fortunate to have you, however, your "wanting" to support him comes from a foundation of unconsciousness and fear. I'm not clear what motivates you to be dating someone with different values about education, presentation, etc. Such fear will consistently produce less than desirable results. Your fear supports him in producing more of the same mediocre results each day.

Your letter is in fact an unconscious communication, a request for help with your own personal problem. While there's much to be said for selecting the path you have chosen, selecting someone with different values about education, it presents a similar set of challenges as would choosing someone from a different socio-economic standing or of another race. It would work to make sure you aren't dating him to make a statement, to be right about something—that you're more accepting, loving, etc. Quite often someone addicted to changing/helping often chooses someone who appears to need even more help so as to draw attention away from his/her own problem, which can often be a commitment to keeping others stuck in mediocrity.

An actualized woman, a fearless confident supporter, communicates spontaneously; she has no fear of testing the waters of a man’s supportability within the first few conversations. As such she attracts and dates supportable men.

Unactualized women (women with unresolved childhood fears and anger) walk on eggshells and "try" or "become stuck in wanting" to make suggestions. Because they unconsciously operate from decisions about control (such as, control is bad, accepting is good) they attract controllers whom they then intend to pooh pooh their ideas, their support. This is because the woman resists controlling when it's appropriate to control.

For example: An actualized woman who has mastered control communicates her standards, her boundaries, i.e.. no badmouthing, no smoking, and no vulgar behavior in my presence, without ever saying a word. She commands respect via an aura of maturity and integrity.

Such a supportive woman might also say, "Here, this color looks good on you." "Invite your secretary and her husband over for a barbecue." "Let's go see this play." All these are subtle supportive hints to a husband. The husband who listens and grants his wife permission to guide his career, diet, health, and continuing education, will have a rich, rewarding, and successful marriage. On the other hand, a woman who attracts/trains and rewards a controller will blame her husband for invalidating/suppressing her genius. She succumbs to mediocrity; the cost is their aliveness, ultimately their health. Such a woman is more intent on being right, that, "He won’t listen," rather than telling the truth, "I don’t know how to get into supportive communication with my husband."

My friends, clients, and I practice a communication model in which we begin from the point of view that we are causing (intending, however unconscious we may be at the moment) what another is saying to us at a perfectly propitious time. Within our non-profit organization the agreement is unanimity on all votes. The apparent dissenter (possibly the only awake genius among us at the moment) is the one we all listen too as we are intending that person to have their specific point of view. Alignment is awesomely powerful. Buckling under to please others is covert sabotage. Quite often a football quarterback's play is unconsciously thwarted because they, the quarterback, couldn't sense (couldn't pick up on the nonverbal emanations), that the majority of his team members thought the play wouldn't work.

Your question reveals that you have fear in your relationship. This is fear left over from another relationship, most likely an incomplete with one or both parents. The fact that you are afraid to be spontaneous about this topic means that you have fears about other subject matter. It is you who resists being "uncomfortable." Your husband is unconscious else he would pick up on your uncomfortableness (and your non verbal judgmentalness) when he uses incorrect grammar.

What works is to find out if your partner wants to change. If it’s not a problem for him then you’ll have to decide to intend that he speaks that way—for life. You don’t have permission to change him. Wanting to change someone is not love.

For example: You say to him—"Your breath stinks." He replies, "Thanks," and he immediately brushes his teeth. The next day the same thing. "Your breath smells again. Is it all right that I mention it? Do you scrape/brush your tongue?"

Use the same procedure for: You say—"It bothered me that you used the F--- word in front of my mother tonight, more so that you didn't hear yourself and acknowledge it to her." He replies, "Ouch, I didn’t even hear it." You say, "Do you want me to support you in acknowledging to her that you know you did it and to let you know if I hear you do it again?"

Here's another example: Both sitting down—"I have something to say that’s uncomfortable for me to think about saying. My thought is that it might upset you. Is this a good time? Yes? Thanks. It bothers me when I hear you use incorrect grammar. I find myself judging you and making you wrong. I don’t know how to handle it. Would you like support in speaking correctly? I could point it out when I hear it and put in correction, but, you’d have to be willing to thank me each time I do it, else it could begin to irritate you. You’d eventually forget that you asked for my support and think of me as a nag."

As always at the beginning of a relationship you must be totally willing to not have it in order to have the relationship you say you want. If he doesn’t value your support it’s a sure sign that you have attracted someone still on the way down. If you have attracted an unsupportive person, they are in fact mirroring you. This leads to the saying, "When you serve you are served." Remember that almost all of the "good" husbands have been rejected (read trained) by all of their previous female acquaintances. He might have to drive you away for him to discover that it doesn’t work to aim higher than ones education. Because of your willingness to serve (support) him you will be served.

The fact that you want to change him is proof positive that he also is withholding thoughts about things he’d like to change about you. Withholds serve as barriers to the experience of love. To find out what thoughts he has been withholding from you ask him the following questions about ten times each: "What would you change about me?" "What behavior about me bothers you?" (Ask with intention to get past his politeness).

Another thing you can work on that will yield ten-fold value is to locate and complete your very first incident of fear of saying what was on your mind after which you lost your spontaneity. With coaching you should be able to recall the year, location, and the name of other person, and, what happened. You made an unconscious decision from that incident that runs you to this day. The conversations and realizations it will take for you to complete that incident, and all subsequent times you withheld your intuition, your support, and allowed/supported others (friends) in failing, will result in a transformation of you into a powerful supportive person.

Keep in mind, one cannot not support. All your friends who are failing are doing so as a result of your leadership-communication support skills. Some people use their support skills to cause others to succeed and others use their support skills (albeit unconsciously) to thwart thereby effecting mediocrity.

You'll get tremendous value doing the Preparing for Your Ideal Partner—an online communication skills tutorial and support group.

BTW: Your boyfriend has unconsciously set you up to support him in honoring his grammar teacher; presently he is unconsciously intent on thwarting that teacher.  He's still dragging around a teen pattern of unsupportability. It could be said that you are back in high school and now have a conscious choice, to date, or not, someone who has a debilitating barrier to communication, to getting his teacher's communications. If you condone his commitment to ignorance you sabotage his teacher which most likely will continue to produce undesirable results for you—here's more about the effects of unconscious intention. Thanks, great question. —Gabby

BTW: You'll know if you are supportable if this reply impacts you and your husband. Do show him this letter. 

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