DEAR ABBY: I was recently asked to be a "hostess" in a wedding. When I asked the bride what exactly my duties would be, she said I would pass out programs and make sure that all the wedding guests signed the guestbook. The bride also requested that I buy a $200 matching bridesmaid dress—which I did. With hotel and travel, the weekend cost me more than $1000.

On the morning of the wedding, I was immediately put to work assembling plastic Champaign flutes and placing favors and name cards on tables, etc. While I was doing this, the wedding party was having their pictures taken. I was not invited to be in a single photo. I also missed the entire ceremony because I was assigned the job of arranging flowers in the reception hall. I was the only member of the wedding party who was expected to work in this manner.

At the reception, I was instructed to escort the bride and groom and others to their tables. It was a task I found insulting. I was also asked, via a typed "task list" handed to me by the bride’s aunt, to pour cider for the 300 guests. I was so upset, I left the reception before any cider pouring.

Do you think the bride was out-of-line—or am I out of tune with what is expected of a "hostess"? (I have rescinded my invitation for her to be a member of my wedding. Too rash?) FEELING USED IN STOW, OHIO

DEAR FEELING USED: I don’t blame you for feeling used. You were treated shamefully. You were a victim of "bait and switch." Your duties should have ended when the ceremony began. Instead you paid $1000 to be treated like a caterer.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to be reminded of this incident at the time of your own wedding. So don’t second-guess yourself about your decision to uninvite this "blushing bride." —Abby

Gabby's Reply

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Hi Feeling Used: It was normal and appropriate for you to experience upset, anger, and hurt, and, to have thoughts of leaving, and later, of wanting to punish her by uninviting her to your wedding.

Her behavior, however unconscious it may have been, was disrespectful and inconsiderate; it was however,  communicating something and that’s part of what this is about. It reveals that something was/is incomplete between you and her.

Another part of this incident is that your integrity is supporting you in completing an earlier similar experience (having to do with an upset) one that you are still dramatizing; possibly one in which you got so upset that you broke an agreement (ran out on someone, even shunning him/her to this day).

Using communication coaching jargon we say that such a covert act of disrespect, (the bride unconsciously intending another [the task-assignor] to do her dirty work), however accidental it may appear to be, was in fact founded upon an earlier communication between you and her, an interaction that wasn’t mutually satisfying. In lay terms, Bride was getting back at you for something. No "friend" would treat a friend like that. It indicates that there was and still is a verbally unacknowledged withhold/perpetration between you.

Through the use of a third party, a friend, or a communication coach, you can recall the memory of the incomplete incident, the communication breakdown, between you and her. If your mind is hiding it from you, you might have to ask her the following: "Can you help me recall what I've done/what this is about? I've completely blanked it out? My experience was upset and anger. My mind judged it to be disrespectful; I felt used, as though I was being punished."

Note: This kind of question is only appropriate between friends who are absolutely committed to having the relationship work. Your relationship with her appears to be more at-arm’s-length.

Let’s begin with your upset. What works is to communicate an upset immediately—to the person who can do something about it. It appears you have a pattern of stuffing upsets. Notice that how you handled this upset escalated it into estrangement? Nipped in the bud you might have had a wonderful time. The results clearly show that you had another, albeit unconscious, agenda. At some point in time, either at the moment you were being assigned a task, or from a realization while doing a task, you experienced upset. That was the time to have resolved it. If your upset began at the moment the task-assignor was assigning you flute-assembling, that would have been the time to say, "Bride said that my specific job was . . . can you tell me where the guestbook is?" Or, if the upset came up as you were doing a task, it would have worked to go to the task-assignor and said, "I’m having an upset. I should have told you earlier, Bride already assigned me the task of making sure everyone signs the guestbook, I'd like to be doing that now."

It’s a given that most brides are overwhelmed and typically unconscious on their wedding day. There’s usually too much going on for her to be aware of everything. This is partly why brides traditionally have hostesses. It’s also true that brides usually only invite close friends to be in the wedding party, those whom she can trust/expect will do whatever it takes to bring about a successful event. For example: "Run to the store and get some more napkins." "Someone just vomited, will you please wipe it up for me?" It could very well be that you unconsciously accepted the invitation because you were bored or lonely, or for some reason other than because you love, admire, and respect her. Had you been conscious you would have declined, or, communicated the incompletes (such as unresolved upsets or thoughts that serve as barriers to admiring and respecting her) on the phone and, if mutually satisfying, then accepted. The fact that you weren't conscious reveals that you're dragging around lots of incompletes that are serving as barriers to being here and now in present time (see The Clearing Process).

Bride did not invite or enroll you correctly. She should have said, ". . . primarily guestbook duty, but overall, whatever it takes to get the job done. Will that be OK?" She was probably afraid to tell you the truth. It's possible she experienced upset (momentary exasperation) with your "exactly" question. She may have picked up on your resistance to certain jobs) and unconsciously relegated you to a caterer-like position.

It’s also true that your "exactly . . . duties" question was a setup. It was communicated from an adversarial, instead of a supportive, ground of being. You withheld from her your considerations behind your question; it contained an implied, "I’ll do anything but serve as a caterer." In other words, "I’d love to, BUT, I've been to a few weddings so I’m a bit concerned about what job you’d like me to do. I’d prefer to not be part of the setup or logistics team."

The most valuable thing you could do is to get together with her (before your wedding) and clear the air. Recreating the now-damaged relationship will require the exact same leadership-communication skills it will take for you to maintain your own marriage. Anyone can find fault with another and dump them, most everyone has mastered that skill. Few know how to destroy a relationship and recreate it so that it’s mutually supportive, for life. Thank you Gabby

PS. It appears you operate from a decision you made a long time ago (most likely an unconscious decision) about assertive people. You appear to be more committed to being a victim than to asserting yourself. For example: The task-assignor asserted herself and you did your victim-submission act. The way to complete this pattern is to choose to be assertive. You'll have to be willing to give up making people who are assertive wrong. Pogo says, ". . . you is dem."

What will work is for you to have a heart-to-heart with the person you are trying to be like, or trying to not be like, regarding assertion—most likely it's a family member. You've accumulated some withholds and unacknowledged acknowledgments with that person that are serving as barriers to the experience of communication to this day. Show him/her this post.

PPS. Under the upset and anger is sadness and hurt. You've yet to be acknowledged for doing your best, (to include spending your hard-earned money) to be a supportive friend.

BTW: It is both inconsiderate and unethical of a bride to require (to even ask) working-class bridesmaids to spend money on gowns, money the friend would otherwise use for bills/necessities. Clearly the required expenses were inconsistent with your budget, else you would not have mentioned the costs.  A bride should know the financial situation of each member of the bridal party. To expect a "friend" to spend money they don't have (might have to borrow) so as to have a gala event is not a karmically smart move.*  My sense is that most such marriages seldom last.

* The same applies for a couple who spend money on a diamond when they have hungry neighbors without shelter. Such inappropriate priorities get revealed later when the arguing couple starts having success and financial problems. Jewelry and tattoos and expensive weddings are fine once everyone has been fed and housed.

Also, see Marriage Vow and Wedding Guest Vows that preclude cheating.

Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 1/29/11)

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