Dear Annie: I was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship for three years. During that time, I became depressed, gained weight and was suicidal. Before deciding to slash my wrists, I sought professional help. Within months, I found the courage to walk away from the relationship. It was scary, but it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

I continued counseling for two more years, and have since regained my self confidence, lost weight, found a great job and am making new friends. I never thought life could be so beautiful, especially after I met a wonderful and loving man, who knew about my past and has remained supportive. We both are looking forward to a bright future together.

Here’s the problem: It has been three years since I have talked to my ex, but last month, he e-mailed me, wanting to know if we could be friends again. He asked if I would stop by his office to chat. My first reaction was horror. My therapist tells me it’s a very high-risk situation and it’s best to avoid the person when possible.

What do you think Annie?

Should I give my ex one more chance to be a friend, or should I close that chapter and move on? Please answer soon. He’s still waiting for my response. UNSURE AND SCARED

Dear Unsure and Scared: Your therapist has given you good advice, so we wonder why you are still searching for a second opinion. If you are happy now and have found a loving companion, nothing good can come from renewing your relationship with your abusive ex.

Whether or not he has become a better person in the last three years, you no longer need him in your life.

Hi Unsure and Scared: It’s obvious that you and your therapist have not identified the source of, and disappeared, your addiction to abuse, to abusing and being abused. Once you tell the truth about it the fear will be gone, and, you will know how to handle others (including your ex) who are stuck in abuse. You will also know that for the rest of your life you will have to stay out of communication with anyone addicted to abuse; to interact with them is suicidal (as in, detrimental to your aliveness, your health), like an AA member taking one drink.

I'm concerned that you and your therapist didn't role play what to do/say if your ex contacted you. As a communication skills coach I would have advised, "Hang up immediately. If you engage in any interaction with him at all we'll take a six month recess and then only call to tell me  you have not interacted with him for 6 months in a row." The fact that you talked with him while undergoing therapy indicates that you are not yet committed to abuse-free relationships. 

You are confronting your cause of the abuse between you and your ex so it’s both natural and admirably loving that you have compassion and forgiveness in your heart. What’s not healthy is the hope. Let go of all hope of him ever healing. He will either heal or not heal We already know that you don’t have the leadership-communication skills to inspire your ex to act ethically, to heal. (more about this below). You are righteous to have an intention of having a supportive relationship with your ex; however, both you and he, and your present friend, are going about it in way that will only create more upsets. You all need 25 hours of therapy (all separately). Read Parole—The First 24 hours to get some sense of why it won't work for just you to do therapy.

You appear to be oblivious to the fact that your ex is out-integrity to be asking another’s girlfriend to rendezvous. There's two clues that support this statement. An ethical ex would have written, "If you're not involved, I'd like to meet with you." Even if he didn't know of your new boyfriend you didn't let him know immediately, if only to tell him that you'll talk it over with your boyfriend; your behavior verges on sneaky, it leaves me suspect. Your delayed reply can be interpreted to mean that there's a possibility you'll meet with him. Because your letter didn't say that you did meet with him I'm assuming that you have not; in which case, you have set him up to hang out in hope. Leading him on is called control, at best it's referred to as teasing, It's abusive. It keeps another incomplete.

I’m wondering what your new friend will think about the fact that you've hidden the email from him.  If you have not told your new friend about the email both relationships are doomed. I say doomed because you already are covertly abusing your new friend (via deceit) and, he is unaware of just how addicted you are to abuse. You are behaving in such a way as to eventually cause him to yell (abusively) at you. Perhaps acting stupid is a setup, a way to get someone to yell at you which to you means love.

Your new friend has already revealed that he is unconscious and both an enabler and a victim. That is to say, his "wonderful" healthy love should be an inspiration to you. It should be unthinkable to drag such an exy mess into his space. Only someone incredibly damaged would risk the possibility of destroying what you say you have. Only someone equally damaged (your new friend) would attract such a partner.

Here’s what you need to arrive at on your own (not because I or someone else says so). Get a new therapist, one who is clear about responsibility (show him/her this reply). Your old therapist should have communicated to you:

"I’ll accept you as a patient as long as you agree to not interact in any way with your ex. You need to send him a letter saying that you will not interact with him ever again until he has completed fifty 50-minute sessions with a therapist/support group or counselor."

Even though your new friend "knew about your past" you should have communicated to him, and all potential partners—for life, specifically the following:

"Just so we are clear and upfront, I'm addicted to abuse, to abusing and being abused. During my last 3-yr relationship I became depressed, gained weight, and was suicidal. I've done a lot of therapy but I didn't get to the source of my addiction to abuse. I can't be trusted to attract an actualized man. I have a pattern of not saying what's on my mind, of hiding thoughts."

Your new friend should have said, at the very beginning:

"If you interact with your ex, even one message or phone call, I will leave you. Do not test me on this. There will be no second chance. It's got to be your idea to hang up on him the second you hear his voice. Is this clear?  No interactions with him ever until he can tell me that he has had "fifty 50-minute sessions. . ." and that he wants to be our friend."

In this way you accept responsibility for having caused the abuse, and, you have given your ex a way of coming back into your life in a supportive way. To create a relationship, destroy it, blame them, and then trash them for life is unethical and abusive.