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Dear Prudence: I have been married for six years. I have a nice man for a husband and a wonderful child. But of course, I am not satisfied with my life. I say this because I married my husband when I was barely 19 after dating him for only a couple of months. I had doubts about the marriage before we were married, but I’m a people-pleaser and don’t like to hurt anyone’s feeling. However, after six years of being a "pleaser" to my spouse, I have drastically changed. I am no longer an immature 19-year-old who needs a man to care for her. I am going back to school to get my degree so I never have to depend upon anyone to take care of me or my child. I am very independent and starting to feel so smothered at home that I feel as though I am going crazy. The more I pull away, the more he clings to me. I am no longer sexually attracted to him, and when he touches me I cringe. I do everything I can to avoid kissing him. He’s a very good-looking man, but I feel a brotherly kind of love for him. I suppose I should try counseling, but how can someone teach me to be attracted to him again? I am very sad and confused about what to do, — Little Lost Sheep Dear Lit: How very sad for you. You need to take action so you don’t spend another six years feeling miserable but afraid to wound your husband. Counseling would be a useful opening salvo in straightening out your life. And, there’s a chance that your husband could change a few behaviors, allowing you to arrive at a workable modus operandi. There is, too, the chance that therapy will allow you to leave the marriage without a ton of guilt, if that’s your decision. —Prudie explorationally Gabby's Reply [ top ]
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Gabby's Reply:
Hi Little: An excellent letter. Thank you for reaching out. You speak for hundreds of thousands of other spouses; for your service to them you will be served. First, there are a few lies we need to address: You write that you are not satisfied, " . . . because I married my husband when I was barely 19 after dating him for only a couple of months." If you keep repeating that reason as though it were the truth, as though it were the source of your dissatisfaction, you’ll keep producing more dissatisfaction. Even unconscious lies have undesirable consequences. You write that you are "a people-pleaser" and that you, " . . . don’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings." I can get that you believe you don't like to hurt his feelings but this belief conflicts with the results of your unconscious intentions. If we were in communication with your husband we’d discover that he’s continually hurt by your withdrawals and aversion to affection and sex. Perhaps you think your occasional "wife duties" please him; I assure you he experiences your dissatisfaction of him. At some level he knows what it would be like to be loved and appreciated. He is no doubt unaware of his constant pain. You write, "I am no longer an immature 19-year-old . . . " Not nineteen, correct. "Immature" incorrect. It’s all relative. You write, " .
. . so I
never have to depend upon anyone to take care of me." Here’s where your immaturity reveals
itself. No woman is an island. You are presently ripe for a debilitating
disease that requires a doctor, perhaps even a male doctor, to treat you for life.
That, or start now asking bag-ladies what to look for in shopping carts. You write, "I am very independent." While you sincerely believe this, the truth is you are entirely dependent upon him, or another like him to blame. You are addicted to blaming. You honestly believe that he and your marital situation are the source of your dissatisfaction, that somehow if you could only change the circumstances you would suddenly be happy. Not so. Perhaps you'd experience moments of happiness for a few hours, days, or even weeks, however, I assure you, you’d then have to confront that "it" followed you. An "independent" woman would have tucked her reasons under her arm and left him long ago without a letter to a columnist; most importantly, such a person does not attract smotherers. You have, unconsciously, though your leadership-communication skills, trained him to smother you, and, now you blame him for doing so. That’s both manipulative and powerful of you, it’s also abusive. You write, " . . . or my child." It’s too late. You already have, unconsciously, programmed her to attract a similar partner, and to put up with dissatisfactions, and to lie about the cause of her problems. She’ll either begin straightaway to be a "pleaser" or she’ll resist being like you; either way, with your present mind-set and support-skills, it will take a lot for her to know who she is. If you'd like to facilitate her awakening I recommend that you do the Spouse Abuse Tutorial. She will become enlightened though your realizations; responsibility is transmitted both psychically and by observing your behaviors, not through words. For example: She can probably see that you treat your pet, plants, or others more affectionately than you do her dad. It causes her unhappiness and conflicting confusion. Children want to see parents happily relating with each other like some TV couples appear to do, when parents don't a child thinks (no matter how assuring your words to the contrary) that they (the child) are the cause of the unloving behaviors. They intuit that if only they knew how to communicate mo betta, if only they were a better, less-of-a-problem, child, you two would be more loving towards each other. Children need to experience that they inspire love between parents, when they fail it wreaks havoc with their confidence; their leadership-communication model is missing the successes that would empower them to positively affect all relationships—for life. You ask, " . . . how can someone teach me to be attracted to him again?" You have a misunderstanding of the effects of communication. A communication-skills coach does not teach you anything. What happens is they are the space in which you empty your mind of all your considerations, which when gotten (recreated, therefore disappeared), reveal the truth, specifically, just how you caused your own problem and what the genius in you has been up to; once you find out, your communications will be consistent with what you say you want in life. Communication always results in the experience of love—and, it's not the attachment-kind that requires one to stay married. For support in emptying your mind check out the four free communication-skills processes located in The Clearing House. Re: "Sad and confused." This I get. In the enlightenment game confusion is a great place to be; it’s called not-knowing, the humbling, compassionate, noble kind of ignorance. The problem is that usually when people get here (when they arrive at confusion) they make a decision that produces more of the same. So then they have to set up life all over again to get back to the same place so that they can then choose to be sad and confused, which, when intended, supports you in manifesting your stated intentions. Choose to be confused. My sense is that your addiction to pleasing manifests itself in withholds and deceits, consequently you've been creating lots of breakdowns in communication. Your story reveals that you have not been telling him the truth with the intent to get the truth of your dissatisfaction. The truth told, "I cringe at the thought of touching you," when said from blame causes more cringing. The thought, "I experience revulsion when I even think about kissing you" when communicated as your problem, and as a consideration, opens up the space to discover what other thoughts you have not been sharing with him. Your intuition is correct, you know that sharing all your thoughts with him will both complete the relationship (at least for a few minutes) and that it will create the experience of love; this is what happens when communication takes place. However, just because you experience the experience of love with someone doesn’t mean you have to marry, or in your case, stay married. It would work to begin telling him everything (excellent training for all future personal relationships) and, in so doing, prevent it from happening again in life. With aloha, Gabby P.S. Do show him this thread. Check back occasionally for minor edits. (last edited 12/4/11) [ top ]
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You
ignore the unfair reality that most universities and businesses are male
dominated. BTW: There are millions and millions of anyones making your food, medicine, clothing, etc.. We are all dependent upon each
other, especially for