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#16 How
do people know if their therapist is helping them? / Is it me or my
therapist? |
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DEAR ABBY: How do people know if their therapist is really helping them or taking their money? Mine does not talk much or give any advice. What kind of progress should I expect in recovering from depression and anxiety attacks, and how do you evaluate yourself and the doctor to determine if healing is taking just a slow process or if it’s time to find a better-suited professional. THANKS FROM OHIO DEAR OHIO: Discuss your concerns with
your therapist. Do not feel guilty for questioning your progress. You have
the right to do so. Therapy can sometimes be painful, but you must be
completely honest or it won’t work. That said, sometimes it takes a little
shopping to find a good fit, so don’t be too embarrassed about wanting a
second opinion. —ABBY Gabby's Reply [ top ]
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Gabby's Reply:
Hi Ohio: You are right to be asking. I recommend that you look for another therapist. Therapists know that you don’t know the right questions to ask. They know that at the first session you don’t think in terms of measuring your success, i.e. what it would be or look like if you were healed. They know that you are intimidated to ask them the kinds of questions that clarify and create certainty and eliminate doubt, worry and confusion. They know these things as they know the back of their hand. For you to be having such concerns after goodness knows how many sessions is unconscionable. Concerns such as desired outcomes and withholds are addressed in the first session and restated every session thereafter so as to keep you on track. BTW: Therapists are each on their own path
en route to enlightenment. Clients continually trigger
incompletes for therapists so they are often processing their own
stuff while working with clients. A funny movie that depicts this
phenomenon is
The
President's Analyst.
If you are looking for
a therapist who gives advice it would
work to ask up front, "Can you give me advice when I ask
for it?" Most therapists practice client-centered therapy; the
therapist creates spaces for the client to determine the content of each
session with no opinions or advice offered. In truth,
most people seldom act upon advice and when they do they quite often make sure it doesn’t
work, so addicted are most clients to blame and sabotage. Now, on to the
stuff that will be of value. Many people who go to therapists don't know that they have no
intention of healing. They "try" a few sessions just so they can say how hard they tried and how ineffectual the therapist was.
This is where you have been coming from. The evidence is in your
rhetorical questions. A person intent on healing would write, "How do I
know… if my therapist… is helping me or taking my
money? And "how do I evaluate myself…" You have yet to formulate
the intention to heal, to be healthy. You are stuck in trying so that you
don’t have to do what it will take to heal. In short you've been running
your con on your therapist. The con began by unconsciously selecting an ineffectual
therapist to con so as to get to this letter. Not to worry, all these
steps are essential en route to enlightenment. It would work to inform your new
therapist about what happened with your first therapist, and your pattern
of sabotage, and that you’d like support in completing your addiction to blame
and sabotage and your fear of telling the truth. We don’t know to what
extent your health problem ("anxiety") is a consequence of a lifetime of
lies, blaming and thwarting others. You write, "mine does not talk…" This is a
blame statement. I don’t know what to say or what to ask would be a
responsible statement. Worse yet, here you are badmouthing your therapist
behind his/her back, intimating what a poor therapist they are without
telling him/her to their face, that you don’t like the fact that they
don’t talk much. Were they to read your letter here they would not feel good.
How can your therapist put in correction if you don’t say what’s on your
mind? This is called covert sabotage. You have found a covert way of
sabotaging your therapist, to ensure he/she fails, by not telling them the
truth. BTW: This pattern
has undesirable effects with your sex life. Many will see themselves in your letter.
Thank you, Gabby Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 12/11/11) [ top ]
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