DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 30 years.

A couple of months ago, my 26-year-old daughter discovered that my wife, her mother, has been having an affair for the past four years.

It has been very traumatic for all of us. My wife and I are working it out and attending counseling.

My wife and daughter used to be close, but ever since the discovery, my daughter has not spoken to her mom.

She says she needs time and doesn't want me "pressuring" her.

My daughter will be in her best friend's wedding in the fall, and I received an invitation addressed only to me (with an option for a guest). My wife cried for an hour.

I told my daughter I didn't want to attend without my wife, but she doesn't want her mother there. Where do my loyalties lie? —BROKEN HEART IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BROKEN HEART: Your daughter has had time to make peace with her mother.

If her mother has reached out to her and has been rejected, it appears your daughter is unwilling. You can't fix that.

If you are really working things out with your wife, your loyalties should lie with her.

Why the wedding invitation you received wasn't addressed to Mr. and Mrs. is beyond me. But if your daughter inserted herself into her friend's invitation process, it shouldn't have been allowed. —Abby

Gabby's Reply

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Hi Broken Heart: Your concern about loyalties is your mind hiding the source of the problem.

Who taught your daughter to blame her mother for a result both you and your wife co-produced? Clue: It ain't "we" or "my wife."

You and your wife, both using equally powerful leadership-communication skills, produced this situation,

Allowing your daughter to interact with you and not her mother is unethical.

In any friction between two, both, each from their own perspective, are responsible for causing it, for intending it. [Just because one doesn’t know how they produced an outcome doesn’t mean they didn’t produce it; not knowing just means they are ignorant.]

Your daughter needs to hear a few responsible communications from you, such as—

“I see that I have turned you against your mother, as though I’m the victim; nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve failed to teach you about responsibility, cause, and intention."

And, "Using my leadership communication skills I (albeit unconsciously) drove your mother into the arms of another. You can’t begin to imagine how much grief I’ve inflicted on your mother. I had been doing my imitation of communication with her which caused her to have to seek affection and validation elsewhere. She continually communicated non-verbally that she had thoughts she was not sharing and I shut down the space for communication. I was not a safe space for her to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously.

And, "Even before we met, your mother and I were addicted to withholding certain thoughts from others.  I see now that such deceptions create breakdowns in communication."

And, "Just as I’ve taught you to withhold certain thoughts from me so too did I train your mother.  I began the deceit between me and your mother by deceiving her on our very first date. I withheld a deal-breaking thought from her [share the actual deceit with your daughter] —for fear that she might not date me again. Your mother has been merely mirroring my out-integrity. In truth we magnetically attracted each other because we intuited that we would not have to be openly candid with each other; we could hide our thoughts of choice from each other."

And, "I have failed to teach you how to communicate anger so as to disappear it. [There is a way to identify the source of a specific anger so as to complete it, to not be at effect of it, so as to not have to dramatize it as you have been with your mother.]

And, "Worse yet, I’ve taught you to take sides during breakdowns in communication. With spousal abuse or infidelity there are no victims or bullies, only unconscious co-conspirators—both blaming each other  [For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.]

And, "What’s also true is, you and I were both unconscious; neither of us could tell that your mother was unhappy and dragging around dozens of withholds into each daily interaction with us.”

Your daughter is experiencing upset and anger—partly from the visceral shock of discovering that her reality was not real. She honestly thought she had been in communication with her parents only to find out that she had gone unconscious and had been doing her imitation of communication with you and her mother. Worse, she's revealing that you have misled her about how life and relationships work. Who taught her to find fault, to hold grudges? Most importantly, who taught her to blame just one person in any breakdown in communication between two?

BTW: “No means no.” Back away. Keep in mind that there’s something about your present leadership-communication skills that do not inspire open, honest, and spontaneous communication. If you keep interacting with either of them you will keep producing more of the same. Just as your wife couldn’t tell you the truth neither can your daughter.  You all need coaching.

I recommend that you send your daughter the above “responsibility communications" (cc a copy to your wife). Let her know that you can’t support her estranging just her mother and, that you won’t be attending the wedding unless she cleans up her relationship with her mother. Notice that your daughter is unaware that her non-verbal shunning is as abusive as was the infidelity—more so because she's doing it consciously.

If your daughter had written I would have advised her to shun the both of you until you both can verbally communicate responsibly, from cause, just what this is all about, and, whatever she needs to hear so as to be complete.

If you choose your wife you reward and honor pouting and non-verbal abuse.

If you choose your daughter you reward abusive blaming and make-wrong .

First: I recommend that you do The [free] Clearing Process.

Then: Invite your wife to do it. Once you've both completed it then together you can do The [free] Clearing Process for Couples  —Gabby

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