#13 Should we keep sending grandchild money? / Should I keep setting up grandchild to fail?

Dear Annie: Our granddaughter’s 21^st birthday is coming up this month. My husband thinks we should not send "Julie" the usual birthday check. Since she graduated high school, she has not held a decent job and has no motivation to go to college or pursue any kind of a career.

Julie is also extremely overweight and has approximately 19 body piercings above the neck. She expects to be able to find a job that will accept her appearance and won’t bother applying anywhere if she knows they have a dress code.

Julie never sends a thank you note when we give her a birthday check. Her parents inform us when it arrives so we know it hasn’t been lost. The girl has a lovely personality, but we have never met a person with such a lack of ambition. We don’t know what to do. —GRANDPARENTS IN KENTUCKY

Dear Grandparents: The fact that Julie doesn’t send thank-you notes is reason enough to stop sending gifts, but don’t expect it to make any difference in her attitude. As long as Julie‘s parents are willing to support her, there is no great urgency for her to find steady employment. Withholding the annual birthday check could create some ill will and certainly won't make Julie more ambitious, but if it makes you feel less frustrated, go right ahead. Gifts are not obligatory. It’s your money. Do with it as you wish. —Annie

Gabby's Reply

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Gabby's Reply:

Hi Grandparents:

Re: "We don’t know what to do." Confusion is a great place to start from. It’s exciting because now you can begin to have choices—more of the same or not.

We'll begin by acknowledging the results of your leadership-communication skills; would you be willing to acknowledge that you have trained her to be inconsiderate, unappreciative, unmotivated, and abusive (it’s abusive to invalidate—to not acknowledge—another’s support and generosity, to control another by keeping them incomplete). In truth, she's been expecting you to teach her about acknowledgment but you stopped studying communication. You honestly believe she is the problem—if only she, then I...

In other words, you've managed to turn the readers here against her because you've stated the problem from blame. However, no matter what you believe, it has been your unconscious intention to sabotage her so as to be right. How do we know? We need only look at the results.

Let's drop the "our" and "we" else you'll never get to the source of the problem. Responsibility begins with "I."

First, it would work for you to acknowledge that your "gifts" have not been gifts. They have been given with expectations, strings if you will. "Thank me or eventually I won’t send you any more." or, "If you don't thank me I'll let my upset fester and make you wrong; worse yet, I'll blame you for my inability to inspire considerateness." It works to be clear about the difference between gifts and what you have been doing. You have been exchanging presents. Present for present, or, present for an expected thank you. A gift should please you no matter the response; it’s complete, it's given with no strings.

For example: "Here's a check. I know how busy you are so there's no need to thank me. Your continued happiness and success in school is your thanks." Or, "Here's a check. Enclosed is a self addressed stamped envelope to let me know you got it."

Secondly, you are addicted to being incomplete. A person who is committed to being whole and complete would not have let the first check go unacknowledged; such incompletes occupy space and get in the way of day-to-day communications. Notice the dozens of thoughts and conversations you've had over the years about this; they are referred to as talking about a problem. The difference being, a person committed to being complete communicates a problem with the intention to resolve it, not drag it around for years. A person addicted to being incomplete talks about problems which causes them to persist.

We see now that you've been using her to discover something about yourself and your leadership-communication model. You have been operating from what’s called an adversarial communication model. You set her up to do what grandchildren do and then blame her and make her wrong for not thanking you. You don’t yet get that her non verbal communications have been communicating something; they have been covert cries for help. In truth she's stuck, growth-wise, back at the first unacknowledged check (communication). It's called the number one (the first incomplete). In this case, the way you handled it has determined her motivation, her prosperity, and in truth, all results she's been producing. Grandparents have powerful influences. Without a mutually supportive relationship with ones grandparents one is not whole and complete.

Millions of adults will attest to the fact that it was a grandparent, not their mother or father, who inspired them to succeed. We already know that her mother and father need counseling.

Had you been operating from a supportive communication model you would have contacted her the very first time and asked, "Did you get my gift?" That would have created space for her to thank you. That you didn’t reveals that you are unconscious about the effects of perpetrations. It could be said that you conducted a sting operation. Had you not given her gifts we could be absolutely sure that her apathy and health problems have nothing to do with her abuse to her grandparents. It could be that your first check was the turning point in her life. Nothing has worked since and she has no adult to support her in seeing when life started to not work.

If she "forgot" to thank you a second time that would have been the time to communicate, again,

"Did you get my gift? and, Do you know that it doesn’t feel good to have to ask for your acknowledgment? It's uncomfortable. It’s abusive to treat others that way. Can you tell me what it’s about? What is it about me that you don’t respect? There has to be something because people who respect and love each other don’t treat each other the way you have been treating me and your grandfather. Would you prefer that I not send you any more gifts? Tell you what, if it happens again, I’ll just take that to be a communication from you that you would rather not have me in your life. OK?"

It’s important that you know that the way you handled her from her birth set it up for her to accumulate her perpetrations with you year after year, for which she has been paying herself back. She can’t let herself win big after the way she has treated her grandparents.

Her parents have accumulated hundreds of incompletes (thoughts, judgments, perpetrations) between themselves and with their daughter; they also have been withholding thoughts from both you and your husband. They have supported (empowered) their daughter in treating you abusively. It’s a covert communication from them.

My advice is for you to share your considerations and judgments about her to her. She’s not getting the wisdom of your experience. Withholding judgments as you have been will produce even more disastrous results, for everyone. And, get some counseling to see what this unconscious thwarting of your grandchild has been about. Don’t be misled by thinking it has something to do with your husband. In this matter you are the leader. It’s you who are addicted to abusing and being abused and to being used.

This is a great letter because lots of people are stuck in the same victim/blame pattern. You might get value reading Grandparenting—a primer. Thank you, Gabby

Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 1/12/11).

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