Hi Everyone: These letters serve as reminders of how we cause the jealousy we say we don’t want.

We begin with the premise that one can’t complete a problem they aren’t willing to have created. To disappear a jealousy problem you first must be willing to acknowledge that you have manipulated your partner into controlling you through fits of jealousy. You produced this result using your highly developed, mostly non-verbal, leadership-communication skills. To lie, to say you didn’t cause it, will cause the jealousy to persist; just because you are unaware of how you produced a result doesn’t mean you didn’t produce it.

Jealousy is about control. Jealousy cannot take place in a relationship in which both are experiencing love. Jealousy is a reaction to a behavior that one partner wants to change in the other. Wanting to change someone is not love.

For certain you were unconscious at the very beginning. You magnetically brilliantly attracted someone to mirror a behavior of yours that you now see produces friction. At first jealousy was cute, a reassuring communication that supposedly proved they loved you. It was not love, it was control. They not only didn’t support you in doing what you were doing they made you wrong (to feel badly) about being who you were being. They wanted to change a behavior of yours. Who you really are is someone who loves everyone.

Upon reading this reply you’ll be back at that very same fork in the road, after the very first incident of jealousy; the difference being, this time around you’ll have a choice, to reward and empower jealousy or to nip it in the bud.

Of all the partners on the planet you alone chose someone who mirrors your addiction to controlling by submitting to his or her control. The way to keep someone around is to set it up for them to control you, to help you, to take care of you; you do this by surrendering to their desires and manipulations. This way of controlling another is not mutually satisfying. This begs the question, are you now willing to control your partner in a way that works for the both of you or are you going to continue controlling him/her in an unhealthy way that causes upset, anger, and friction you say you don’t want?

If your answer to the above question is yes, continue reading.

There is a leadership-communication model, a way of relating and interacting, in which one intends for their partner, their other self, to be saying what they are saying. This way of relating precludes arguments. It presumes that you chose a brilliant conscious partner, a partner whose input is trusted and valued; therefore it would be ludicrous for you to argue with your other self, the one you respect, the one who perhaps can see something you can’t. This leadership model is sometimes referred to as the Power-Source Relationship Model. It requires that both, up front, agree that one will start out as the source of the other’s power. The partner who agrees to be the Source agrees to serve and support the person who agrees to be the Power (the powerful one) in the relationship. The Source feeds power to their partner, thereby empowering him/her to excel, which includes causing both to experience love, health, and prosperity. Both must agree to honor all agreements and to give up making each other wrong. When they do find themselves making the other wrong, which is quite often at the very beginning, they must verbally acknowledge they did so. "I get that I made you wrong." "I get that that didn’t feel good." "I get that I was being condescending." etc. Both must agree to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously with no thoughts withheld. The Source is responsible for their growth, I.e. Read this book, take this class, wear this shirt. The roles are interchangeable (even in the middle of a conversation) as long as the Power ultimately continues to surrender to the Source. To invalidate the Source’s intuition would cause a downward spiral.

Some examples:

Power: Let’s go climb Mt Everest.

Source: No. I don’t like cold weather and I don’t see myself as being capable of dragging you back down if you get hurt.

Power: Let’s start an Internet business.

Source: No: I’m no good with computers. If you die I’ll be left with something I would not have chosen.

Power: Let’s start a day care center.

Source: Yes. I’m willing to be responsible to make sure it succeeds.

Power: How about if I go to work and you manage the finances, house chores, cooking, and the children.

Source: OK. I’ll empower you to succeed and prosper from my positions as personal trainer, life coach, and manager and we’ll split your (our) income.

With this leadership model one is sometimes unaware at first why they would cause (intend) their partner to voice considerations about after-work partying and drinking with their employees. Further conversations would reveal the truth.

Persistent/reoccurring upsets are disappeared through clearings (see The Clearing Process for Couples).

In the above letters Pulled’s wife reveals that during the marriage she has communicated in such a way as to cause Pulled  to have concerns about such activities; therefore it can be said that she (albeit unconsciously) set it up for Pulled  to advise her against such parties. The problem reveals that there are things that need to be communicated through to mutual satisfaction. Pulled’s  wife would ask herself, where would my partner get the remotest idea that such a party is not advisable? Is this thought coming from my partner’s mind (perhaps a book containing good ideas about how to save a marriage) or from a direct experience? Could it be a psychic intuition, or even a fear? If there is doubt or mistrust in the space I put it there. The wife has accumulated too many withholds, so many that they now serve as barriers to the here-to-fore experience of respect. She should know, with absolute certainty, that he has her best interests at heart. Just as a football quarterback will say, "Go around the left end" so too must all the players make that play work even if they can’t see what the QB can see, or even if he is wrong. Goals are made when everyone is aligned with any play the QB calls. It’s about trust and respect.

For example: In a relationship, in which there is open, honest, and spontaneous communication, no thoughts withheld, there is mutual trust. Pulled’s  wife has given him reason to worry. He is not experiencing certainty. Worse yet, Pulled, unbeknownst to himself, using his leadership-communication skills, set up his wife to play the party game. Words of love and fidelity may have been exchanged but they have not been communicated. They haven’t been gotten at the level of knowing.

Re: "…rightly guarding what belongs to a person." In any relationship in which one or both are considered a possession there are always thoughts being withheld from each other (always for "good" and "protective" reasons). It presumes that one is weaker and needs to be protected and that possibly, without constant protection, one might wander.

Re: ‘Pulled’ needs to find a way to put her marriage ahead of having fun with her co-workers." It appears to me that neither of them have found/created their purpose in life. Couples who are on-purpose are so busy they simply don’t have time for such problems; neither give off vibes that could be mistaken as possibilities to roving letches.

Let’s talk about jealousy:

Jealousy persists in a relationship in which both partners are withholding thoughts from the other. Put another way, a problem persists because there’s a lie somewhere; both are withholding their thoughts of choice. Once the truth is told the problem disappears.

Jealousy persists when neither partner is willing to control the other.

For example, one partner willing to control the other might say:

Scenario #1 I’m the boss. Your job is to serve me. Your job is to find out what pleases me. I’ll decide everything. If you choose to do something that upsets me that will be the end of our relationship. I will not tolerate thwarting or sabotage. In return for your service I will provide for you and protect you. Do you understand? Do agree to serve me?

Or,

Scenario #2 I don’t like your jealousy. Either you agree to attend weekly sessions with a therapist until I’m satisfied that you’ve completed your addiction to jealousy or I will leave you. If you miss even one week of therapy I will take it to mean you no longer wish to be married to me and I will file for divorce. Is that clear? (actually, a conscious partner would have issued that ultimatum while dating).

Obviously few in America are willing to verbally communicate such conditions upfront. What we do notice is that most relationships have a modified version of Scenario #1. Usually it’s an implied non-verbal agreement. Most couples do sloppy irresponsible jobs of controlling each other. The wife will control the husband by gaining weight when he doesn’t communicate supportively to her satisfaction. She further controls him with sex. The husband will control his wife by communicating condescendingly without acknowledging each and every verbal and non verbal abuse; he will consciously choose to upset her by watching television when he knows there are chores that need to be done. In this way he manipulates her into not wanting sex and of course he blames her.

The above results are predictable in any relationship in which there is no agreement to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero thoughts withheld. Each partner brought his/her leadership communication skills into the relationship. How each handled the first incident of jealousy determined all that followed.

Jealousy begins with a withhold, usually an experience followed with a thought. I experience uncomfortableness or upset or even anger when I see the object of my affection interacting in a particular way with someone (it can be either male or female). The automatic reaction shows on my face. I say automatic because I have no choice. It’s a computer-like program that was born from a childhood experience.

Because most everyone is addicted to withholding this first experience and the thoughts that accompany it, is usually stuffed (it’s not shared verbally). It is however, always shared non-verbally, by pouting or some other non-verbal dramatization. This irresponsibly sets it up for the other to ask, What’s wrong?"

The experience usually triggers a thought, a judgment. The mind usually takes over and manufactures a drama. How both partners handle this first incident determines the future. In a relationship in which there is jealousy both partners are unconscious. Both are cause for this allegedly unwanted drama. Both stuffed their experience and thoughts during that very first incident. There are no exceptions to these phenomena. By that I mean, a conscious date (male or female) can sense in a nanosecond when the other person is experiencing an upset, when something is bothering them; whereas an unconscious person either cannot see the change, the non verbal emanations that communicate upset, or they ignore it so as to control the situation. They ignore it to survive, to get through the experience without causing further upset.

That, or they see their date’s reaction but themselves have an experience, ironically of pleasure. It’s gotten as a communication that confirms that their date likes them enough that an interaction with another bothers them.

If, after reading this you realize now that you chose someone whom you don’t respect, someone you know to be out-integrity, or easily manipulated and afraid of you, then the relationship is all over but the drama. It is doomed to mediocrity; to continue in such a relationship will begin to cost you your aliveness, your very health.