#118 Wife never apologizes

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 23 years. Not once in all those 23 years have I ever received an apology from her. She spilled mustard on my shin while she was reaching across a table. It was my fault for not handing her a napkin she was reaching for.

While we were playing racquetball she drilled me in the back with the ball and left a huge and painful welt. Again, nothing. She charged $4,000 on a credit card and didn't tell me. She said it was "my fault" - she was "getting back at me" for spending too much time at work.

After talking and counseling. I still received no apology. I'm not perfect, and we have other issues in the marriage, but I am at a loss as to why she won‘t apologize for anything - even injuring me in an accident.

She spins every argument so she can win. Why won‘t my wife say "I'm sorry"? - HARASSED HUSBAND IN IDAHO

Abby's Reply:

DEAR HUSBAND: I strongly suspect it's because she isn't sorry. What she is is angry and has a need to punish you. The safest way to do that for her is through an "accident." More than needing an answer from me, what you need is insight from a licensed psychotherapist to help you understand not only why your wife acts out the way she does - but also why you would continue to tolerate it for 23 years. —Abby

Gabby's Reply:

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Gabby's Reply:

Hi Husband: There's a pony here somewhere; you're lucky to have a partner who doesn't have to learn to not apologize for the results she produces. Most people are unconscious apology machines. An apology guarantees (yes guarantees) that the person will do it again.* An apology is an acknowledgment of wrong-doing. It invalidate the genius it took to manifest the result. It's an unconscious affirmation. Among other things, it communicates, "I'm sorry (as in, I'm a sorry person)," "I'm worthless," "Stupid me," "There I go again. I can't help it. It's just me." And the biggie, the implied, "It has absolutely nothing to do with anything else; it's definitely not about my integrity or me paying you back for...." etc.

The time it usually takes an apology addict to apologize (the number of seconds/minutes) is the time a person committed to being whole and complete uses to look and see what the incident is about (it's always an incomplete, an out-integrity—usually a childhood incident) so that they can complete the incident and thereby not be automatically driven to do the undesirable behavior again. An apology doesn't address the cause of the behavior.

All results, even those that appear to be undesirable, are absolutely essential to ones growth, to ones awakening. It doesn’t make sense to apologize for the wisdom behind a result. "Accidents" such as you describe are opportunities to wake up, to restore ones integrity; those incidents that are communicated through to mutual satisfaction are complete. Results, such as the "ball" incident, that are not cleaned up through to mutual satisfaction, are referred to as incompletes.

You're looking at the effects of your unconscious addictions to withholding, to being incomplete, to blaming, and to making her wrong. These are patterns you brought into the relationship. Not to worry, your integrity will set it up for the "accidents" to escalate so that you'll have to address your addictions. You have been more committed to being right, that she won't apologize, than you have been to being whole and complete after each interaction. You have in fact been accumulating make-wrongs, you've become stuck in talking. With talking a problem (including covert sabotage) persists.

The next curriculum for you is communication. With communication problems disappear. BTW: I know of no school/college that teaches communication through to skill/mastery.

To begin the communication mastery curriculum you must be willing to be supported in communicating responsibly, from cause, from how you create (unconsciously intend) her to thwart you. What must you have done to deserve such anger? I suspect the source of your problem is karma from an earlier similar relationship, most likely between you and your parents. Who in your life would say that you abused them and that you’ve yet to acknowledge it, to yourself or them? It could be said that you are punishing you for a lifetime of abuses (most likely all non verbal) to others.

What you're looking for, instead of an apology, is acknowledgement. i.e. "I get that that didn't feel good," "I get that that was abusive," "I get that I just blamed you," "Thank you for doing the dishes," etc. When acknowledgment is not forthcoming voluntarily then you must ask for it. "Thank me for doing the dishes." "Do you get that that hurt?" But, I'm assuming that a simple, "Yes" would not satisfy you because you intuit that each incomplete is really a covert communication about something else, and you’re right. She also has accumulated a lifetime of withholds, of make-wrongs. She mirrors your leadership-communication skills.

In The Clearing House are four free processes for anyone intent on mastering communication. I recommend you read about them and see if one of the processes speaks to you. If not, then do The Clearing Process (one clearing per day for five days in a row) and then see if you think your wife would do the Clearing Process for Couples with you—if you sense she wouldn't do the process at your invitation then the relationship is all over but the drama.

Experience tells me that you have unconsciously been masterminding a divorce, setting it up for her to abuse you so as to have a good reason to divorce her. Notice that you unconsciously chose a therapist whom you could con so as to ensure the therapy didn't work. Thanks for reaching out for support. —Gabby

PS. Please show her this letter.

* Another pitfall with the apology game is that the "victim" (the one who sets it up to be abused) manipulates the other to apologize and thereafter holds it over them for life; the victim becomes the beneficent "good" guy who appears to not need an equal amount of therapy.

Please check back from time to time for corrections/edits and always refresh your browser. (last edited 12/1/09)

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