#115 Wife wants hubby to wear lingerie / Fear a barrier to intercourse


DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently watched a comedy that featured men cross-dressing. Ever since, I have had a burning desire to have my husband wear sexy lingerie and makeup.

There is nothing effeminate about him, but I can't get this out of my head. I bought him a lacy bra and panty set, garter belt and stockings, but I haven't had the nerve to ask him to wear them. Am I crazy?

Should I try to forget this? —BURNING DESIRE IN NAHANT, MASS.

DEAR BURNING: Human sexuality is complicated. There are many women who help their husbands cross-dress, however it is my understanding that the initiator is usually the man. I don't think you are crazy, nor do I think you should "forget" something that you describe as a "burning desire."

What I do think you should do is have a frank discussion with your husband and find out how open-minded he is on the subject. —Annie

Gabby's Reply

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  Gabby's Reply:

Hi Burning: What a great letter. It will be of interest and value to many readers. I'm excited for you. Your inquiry suggests that you are ready to take your relationship to the next level, from talking to communicating. To manifest your intention you'll be entering a realm in which all that you know about sex won't apply any more, one in which the entire experience of interacting becomes experiential intercourse—no beginnings, no ends.

"Communicating" refers to a communication model, a way of interacting (verbally, non-verbally, physically, and psychically) in which both parties agree to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero withholds.  Most importantly, it's about communicating from your experience instead of from your mind. Presently there's fear in the space between you and your husband, else you wouldn't have written; also, a woman who is whole and complete, one who is in-integrity, would have asked each parent for support first.

Talking, which is what you and your husband have mastered, has a different set of agreements; specifically, there's an implied agreement to withhold thoughts of choice from each other. It's called withholding. Withholding serves as a barrier to the experience of communication. It's impossible for just one partner to have withholds from the other; both have an equal number of thoughts they are withholding from each other (yes, equal).

The following thoughts will facilitate the transition:

I'm concerned about your comment, ". . . but I haven't had the nerve to ask him." There is a clearing process (see below) for individuals, and another for couples, that will support you in identifying the source of, and disappear, your fear. Your fear consists of many considerations; underneath them is the truth. Considerations are thoughts, both conscious and unconscious, that serve as barriers to manifesting ones stated intentions. 

Be assured these are wonderful fun-type conversations, typical and normal, some trigger embarrassment.

Here's some possible considerations:

Even the thought of thinking about talking about the subject triggers anxiety. This fear probably began during childhood, after an interaction with another, perhaps trying to talk with a parent about sex. It runs you to this very day.

Your concern about what he might think about you is another consideration.

You might have vestiges of Victorian-like values and so there could be shame, etc. associated with the thought.

Another consideration might be that several years ago he jokingly revealed a bias about something associated with such things and your mind has stored that subtle communication in the back of your mind.

Yet another consideration might be embarrassment, yours and that which you think he might experience.

Another could be that you have an unconscious fear of where it might lead to, for both you and him.

And, of course the biggie, what if he not only says no but with self-righteous, indignant condescension.

Each of these considerations, and dozens more that we haven't covered (most of which are hidden under other, as yet to be verbalized, thoughts), serve as barriers to open, honest, and spontaneous communication. In the communication mastery curriculum your ongoing task is to empty your mind of all considerations so that you won't have any automatic reactions. It's called completing the incompletes. Eventually, topics of sex will be as easy and comfortable to discuss as meal preferences. Once you have formulated the intention to share all your considerations the truth of what your fear is about will appear.

"Incompletes" refer to mostly childhood interactions that were not mutually satisfying.

Although you are always the leader in your relationship, which includes surrendering when appropriate, in this matter you are the guide.

BTW: He has exactly the same number of considerations. In truth, all we're talking about is cloth and giving and receiving pleasure.

The next "level" (a.k.a. the communication mastery curriculum) has to do with enrolling another(s) in supporting your projects. This requires that you are clear about your intentions.

 For example: If you ask and he says no it would reveal that you unconsciously intended for him to say no. It would also reveal that you were unconscious when you asked him, that no matter what you believed, you had no intention for him to say yes. This brings us to the subject of asking.

For you to ask anyone for anything you must first have in your mind that it be your idea that they say yes or no. In this way you create space for them to choose rather than reluctantly give in to any unconscious manipulative/pressure. Many men blow it big time with their partner when they manipulate them into group sex or three-somes. This is partly because they have yet to master communication. They don't know how to create space for it to be their partner's idea, if ever. Also, they might know intuitively that the wife would say no if truly asked. Consequently, the partner goes along with it but with non-verbalized considerations and, unconsciously makes sure that it doesn't work.  In this instance, the husband was not open and honest during dating about expectations, and would therefore later reap the karma of deceit.

For you to manifest ". . . lingerie . . ." you first have to be totally willing to let go of your "desire" FOREVER. If you pretend to ask, if there's even a hint of disappointment or make-wrong, he'll know he has no choice. In fact, I'd return the lingerie before you ask so as not to create psychic pressure; it might communicate that you knew he could be conned.  Once you've handled your considerations you must be willing to "get" (to be with) all of his, with no laughing or expressions of disappointment or shock. You must be safe space for him to share his truths.

Keep in mind, if he declines your suggestion it doesn't mean he's not open minded, perhaps just uncomfortable,

I recommend that you do The Clearing Process first, then invite him to do The Clearing Process For Couples.* It will reveal many thoughts you both have been hiding from each other—it will result in a squeaky-clean relationship and intercourse like never before.

BTW: Topics that are deal-breakers MUST be covered during the engagement period. Both need to reveal their fantasies so as to find out if they are mutually supportable. Often a man hides (withholds) his fantasies during the engagement period believing he can later talk (con) his wife into swapping, or bowling, whatever; withholding thoughts results in communication breakdowns which are the beginning of the end of the growth and expansion in the relationship. The fear of telling the truth always takes its toll. —Gabby

* The Clearing Process includes a clearing process for couples. It's best that you start with five clearings, one per day for five days in a row, before you mention the topic or before you invite him to do the Couple's Process with you. If you're intent on mastering communication then complete all four free processes at The Clearing House before asking.

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Check back occasionally for minor edits (last edited 5/17/15)

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