Dear Annie: I am a 16-year-old girl in high school, and I’m having troubles with boys. There’s a lot of pressure to have sex, and it’s often overwhelming.

I’ve been seeing "Jason" for six months. I know he wants to lose his virginity to me, but I’m not sure I’m ready. I truly care about Jason and sometimes I think I should just get it over with. On the other hand, I was taught that my virginity is special, and that I should wait until I’m married.

I know Jason loves me, but I’m worried he might pressure me into something I don’t want to do. I’m not stupid. If he were the type of guy who made me feel uncomfortable I wouldn’t be with him. But I like Jason so much, I figure, if I’m going to lose my virginity eventually, it might as well be with him.

Can you give me some advice?—CONFUSED IN COLORADO

Dear Confused: You sound like a bright sensible girl, and it seems clear that you are not ready. It doesn’t matter how Jason feels. You don’t have to do this to please him, keep him or be like everyone else. Wanting to get it over with is no reason to have sex.

Hi Confused: The source of your problem has to do with the way you communicate, your communication model.* Your parents, friends, and teachers have taught you to operate from blame and victim. You have yet to learn how to communicate responsibly. No need to feel badly, I know of no university that requires education majors to master communicating responsibly; all universities and colleges  impart subject matter using the Adversarial Communication Model.

Your letter reveals that you are an unconscious con. You are not acknowledging the con you’re running on Jason. This causes you to be a liability to both of you and your respective futures. Reading this reply will support you with your communication mastery curriculum.

You used the promise of sex to get and hold on to Jason and now blame him for wanting sex. How do we know? That’s the result your leadership-communication skills produced. You’ve set it up for him to beg using your wily ways. It's called manipulation.

Your con includes saying the word, "no" but to non-verbally communicate ". . . keep trying, I’ll eventually give in, and when I do I’ll make you feel guilty for pressuring me into having sex." Your integrity is such that you’re ripe for setting him up to "accidentally" impregnate you. Did I mention "respective futures"? Any idea how many teens started with the idea of going to college but instead unconsciously opted for pregnancy and then got bogged after HS playing house and parent and paying the bills?

A responsible young woman tells the truth and as such, when she says, "No sex," she means what she says and the boy is absolutely clear that that’s the way it will be. The "no" is communicated with the intention for it to be gotten (recreated, owned, and respectfully supported) and so the boy knows there is absolutely no hope. This gives the boy a clear choice, to continue dating you solely because he enjoys you, and/or, to look elsewhere for a sex partner. Depending upon your integrity you might unconsciously intend a no-sex boyfriend to cheat on you so he can have it both ways.

"No," when communicated (with an intention for it to be gotten) instantaneously transforms the relationship; it creates a context of respect. Conversely, "no," when said, but not meant, when it's a lie, the lie is soon revealed after more foreplay.  When the "no" is a lie it immediately grants the boy permission to keep trying with the implied promise of success. It causes struggle, confusion, arguments, and broken agreements and respect is somewhat diminished between them.

How does a boy know the difference between the two no's? One way he can tell is if you've already said no to something and then set him up to talk you into a yes. Another way is if you deceive your parents and lie to them and others, or, if you non-verbally condone his lying to his parents, or deceptions to others. Support of his unethical behaviors causes him to disrespect you. He's not aware that he doesn't totally respect you it just gets dramatized in his behaviors with you.  I inserted the word totally to make the point even though it's redundant.

Re: Lying to and deceiving your parents. He doesn't have to witness or even hear about a lie to know you don't treat your parents with respect, it's an aura/attitude thing.

Boys intuitively know that daughters who have not learned how to have a nurturing supportive loving relationship with their fathers are lonely and ripe for the picking.

On the other hand, fathers who arrogantly (I can raise my daughter myself, I don't need no stink'n help) refuse to get coaching on how to have a supportive, loving, hugging, open and honest relationship with their daughter, drive (yes drive) their daughter into the arms of boys stuck in sexist, condescending behaviors—boys who have not been taught by their father how to treat women with respect. Both teens, wanting love and approval, opt for the next best thing, sex.

All interactions (all conversations) between teens who have sex, who also do not have open, honest and spontaneous communication with their parents, are merely doing their imitation of communication. Each doing his/her imitation of communication with the other. Such interactions guarantee (yes guarantee) little if any joy and happiness. Whatever moments of laughter they have are but peak moments, as with drugs, and cannot not be sustained, or created at will, in the light of day. What they call love is not love because it's founded upon deceptions; the look of guilt is just behind the happy-acting smile. In other words, if you plan, have, and then hide your first sex, then you've ripped off your parents big-time. The first time is a joyous experience to be shared and laughed about with both families. Such conversations disappear shame and  embarrassment, and, most importantly, preclude the consequences of guilt (the effects guilt has on one's studying and the ability to concentrate).

You write, "I was taught that my virginity is special, and that I should wait until I’m married." This is a lie. What's so is you were told that your virginity is special. Telling someone is different than communicating/teaching. We wouldn't be having this conversation if your parent's wishes had in fact been communicated (taught, learned, & owned).

Parents who don't know the differences between considerations, wants, wishes, and intentions, most often end up with thwarting teens stuck in disrespectful, deceitful, rebellious behaviors.

Virginity is your parent's "good" idea. You haven't told them that you are confused and have doubts, that you have been considering having sex—not, going to have sex, merely thinking about it. The fact that you aren't being honest with your parents indicates that your honest act with them and others is just that, an act. How can Jason possibly respect someone who deceives her parents?

Keep in mind, a boy who doesn't have an open and honest relationship with his parents will tell you anything your mind needs to hear so as to get you to have sex, and, he'll lie and tell you it's the truth. He watches and listens for subtle communications from you so as to learn what to say, what you need to hear, to justify breaking the implied agreement you have with your parents.  Quite often the magic words are, "I love you."  —the very words that are seldom, if ever, heard at home. The fact that he'd be willing to talk you into having sex without the support of your parents reveals that he'd deceive his own parents as well.

Most parents who give their child "virginity" advice do so from hypocrisy. Few share their own sex history with their child. Parents have so many unacknowledged withholds (deceits and perpetrations) between themselves that they have become stuck doing their imitation of communication. As such their "truths" and wisdom doesn't get gotten. They've lost their ability to distinguish between lecturing and communicating. Very few parents have learned how to create a safe space for the truth to be told.

Re: "I know he wants to lose his virginity to me." I'm assuming here that you mean he also is a virgin, if so, this places a tremendous responsibility upon you for you to ensure it's a most perfect experience. If you're not comfortable talking about sex, then you will most certainly will be at effect of the entire process. That's the huge advantage of communication vs. talking; communication automatically disappears all fears and considerations. All thought must be shared for true intercourse to take place. If one partner is withholding thoughts (deceiving) his/her parents then what happens is an imitation of sex. True intercourse takes place in the space of two who are in-integrity.

Both parents of a teen who has had sex behind their parent's backs have unacknowledged withholds between themselves; their relationship is rife with breakdowns in communication. There are no exceptions to this phenomena.

P.S. If you truly want to make a difference make several copies of this letter to leave on desks and bulletin boards, or send (anonymously if need be) to your school newspaper editor; it will generate thousands of valuable conversations.

Check back occasionally for minor edits (lasted edited 1/16/12)

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