#105 Children upset by parent’s fighting / Show parents your letter and the replies

DEAR ABBY: I’m a 13-year-old boy, and I have a 5-year-old sister. Our parents are together, but Dad's job was relocated to another state and he's gone most of the week. When he gets home, all he and Mom do is fight.

The fighting puts a lot of stress on me. My sister asks me, “Why are Mommy and Daddy always fighting?'' This makes me want to break into tears because I don't know what to tell her. Abby, please help me understand what to do in these situations.
—WORRIED BIG BROTHER

DEAR BIG BROTHER: You should not have to be in the position of explaining your parents' deplorable behavior to your little sister. While you can assure her that the fighting has absolutely nothing to do with her—or you—the people who should be quieting your sister's fears are your parents. Please waste no time in telling them how upset your little sister becomes when she hears the quarreling, and that it makes you want to break down and cry, too. It’s something they need to hear. —Abby

Gabby’s Reply

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Gabby's Reply:

Hi Big Brother: It’s so mature of you to reach out like this. It’s exactly what you’re supposed to do. Also, your sadness is appropriate, let the tears flow, and if you can, breathe deeply while crying, it helps to clear your mind of the trauma.

Your parents are stuck in abuse, abusing each other and their two children. They both need an equal amount of professional help (therapy/counseling/coaching). They are unconscious, not totally awake; else they’d be able to see the fear and sadness on the faces of their children. Very few parents treat each other abusively by choice, they are programmed like a computer to goad and react and argue, to make each other wrong; they have in fact lost their ability to communicate lovingly. In truth, school teachers are not taught how to communicate anger and so they can't/don't teach that skill to their students. My point being, it's not your parent's fault, they have not been taught how to communicate lovingly; they are mirroring their teachers and parents.

Your letter seems to indicate that you have not taken sides, that you don’t think one parent is more argumentative than the other. That is excellent (very smart of you). Sometimes one parent will look like they are more angry than the other. An unskilled observer might be fooled into thinking that one is the poor victim, that the other starts the arguments, but you and I know we always start the arguments we find ourselves in, so too do each of your parents. If you hang around someone who is angry then you become responsible for the arguments you trigger simply by rewarding their behavior with your presence; you become cause for what you say you don't want. In other words, living a lie, saying you want harmony but hanging around a fighter, has undesirable consequences. Blaming another for fights you create is irresponsible.

You ask what to do. The first thing you can do is show them your letter and these replies, after which several things might happen. They might feel so guilty that they'll decide to do therapy together. While this might sound like a good thing it rarely is. Fighting parents seldom do enough counseling to stop the arguing completely. Another thing you might notice is that they'll stop arguing for a few days, or even lowering their voices, or going outside to argue. This will only be temporary. Most likely what will happen is your parents will decide to divorce. And while this thought might pain you at first, it will fix the problem but it will create another one. Unfortunately, you'll still have to live with one of them (the better con, the one who can convince a judge that he/she is less abusive).

Often what happens when parents divorce is: A judge decides who’s the best con. For example: One parent might say, “Judge, the children will be better off with me.” What judges know, but they can’t do anything about (unless both parents are beating their child), is that letting the winner take care of you is like letting you be raised and trained by the best con, a person addicted to lying, blaming, and abusing, i.e. "But judge, I'm not as abusive as my spouse therefore the children will be better off with me." Unless the parent who is awarded the children attends a minimum of 25 hours of counseling the single parent most likely will carry on the fighting with the spouse, even though they don't live in the same house, or he/she will start snapping at/fighting with you and your sister. Abuse addicts need a periodic fix. Arguing generates adrenaline which acts like a drug. Once the spouse is gone there’s no one left to argue with so as to get their adrenaline fix.

Remember, the nice, meek, quiet, innocent looking parent is always always as abusive as their partner; they start their fights non verbally so it's hard for an observer to notice who started it. Part of his/her con is to manipulate others into thinking their partner is more abusive. Quite often one will non verbally goad their partner into hitting them so as to get agreement from others that they are not as abusive as the hitter. Only a person addicted to abusing and being abused attracts and marries an abusive partner. There are no exceptions to this phenomenon.

Many children your age who are experiencing such abuse immerse themselves in school, or premature intimate relationships, or extra outside-the-house activities. All kids who do drugs are driven to do so because both parents are stuck doing their imitation of communication. These children don't have even one person (not even a teacher) with whom they can communicate, (talk yes, communicate no) so as to validate their sanity, so as to get high from the experience of communication. Many do their homework at school or the library and play sports or get a part time job so as to spend as little time at home as possible. It’s possible you could support your sister in enrolling in some activity, dance or music classes, sports, or a youth group. This will have two advantages: You’ll both meet other children and adults and possibly be able to discuss the problem. The more conversations you have about this, the more people you share this with, the sooner you will complete your trauma (even though you don't think of yourself as having been traumatized). In other words, if you describe this in detail about 1000 times (yes 1000 times) it will prevent you from behaving the same way when you grow up. You will in fact prevent the automatic programming that comes from such abuse.

...a child shall lead them. You have the opportunity to make a tremendous contribution to your parents and your sister.

Please let me know what happens.

With aloha, Gabby

BTW: If you the reader have, or know of, a similar situation you too can show this letter to others—even leaving this letter in someone's mail box will make a difference. Silence condones and supports.

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