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DEAR ABBY:
My wife thinks I have a problem because I do not have a close
relationship with my mother. We go for weeks without talking or
seeing each other, and it doesn't bother me. Since I was about
13, my parents were hardly ever around. My mom was a workaholic,
and my dad was an alcoholic, so I became totally
self-sufficient.
Now I am 21, and I'm not bothered that I have little contact with my mother. I acknowledge that she gave me life, but that's where it ends. I would like to know your thoughts about all this. —NO REGRETS, SAN ANGELO, TEXAS DEAR NO REGRETS: It's sad that at such an important time in your life you had no parents to talk to. But this wasn't your mother's fault. With an alcoholic husband—who I'm guessing had trouble with employment—and a son to provide for, it's not surprising that she became a "work-alcoholic." It may have been a necessity. I would be curious to know what kind of a relationship you have with your father. While it's regrettable that you have so little communication with your mother, if this has been the pattern that was set since you were 13, it is also understandable. Your wife means well, but she should not "stir the pot." —ABBY
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Gabby's Reply: Hi No Regrets: I like your letter, in part because it addresses some issues that aren't commonly discussed. I applaud the way you have been handling your at-arm's-length relationship with both parents. Survival and abuse-free relationships are imperative. I have a concern that you might not have told your wife about the situation (up front—when first dating). To not have told her would be unethical, assuming here that she didn't have a clean clear choice. Not telling her could be viewed as deceit; it's definitely not a gift of love. It appears your wife has since discovered the importance of marrying someone with a complete and mutually supportive relationship with both parents. You don't mention what your wife's concerns are* —what it is she believes to be symptomatic of your relationship with your parents, specifically, how it's affecting your relationship with her. I suspect that you are shut down (bound up) in a few important areas with your wife. There are virtually thousands and thousands of conversations (interactions) with each parent and or guardian(s) one needs to have so as to be whole and complete. One incomplete of yours is your inability to completely acknowledge another (the word completely here is redundant). For example: " ..she gave me life, but that's where it ends." Nothing could be further from the truth. This reveals that you simply can't acknowledge your wife for her magnificence and the contributions she makes to you daily. You are arrogantly oblivious to the trials and tribulations, the contributions and sacrifices your parents and all your relatives (your ancestors) made to ensure the life you now enjoy. Your self-righteous position about alcohol and work makes you ripe for similar addictions. It's possible you live from a decision to not be like either parent, this makes it difficult for you to know who you are, only who you don't want to be like. Most significant contributions have been made by people with near incapacitating addictions. Furthermore, your position serves as a barrier to you making a significant contribution to human kind, else, you'd have to be willing to acknowledge that however they did it (given what they had to work with) your parents raised you to be magnificent.Had you told your wife up front, "This is what's so . . . will that be a problem for you?" she would have had a choice. The question is, can she let go of her position and support you in yours? Better still, should she perhaps look elsewhere for a ready-made actualized supportable husband, one who has a complete relationship with his parents. Trying to change someone is not love; meaning, it won't work for you to try and stop her from supporting you or for her to not accept you. Mo betta that you look at her considerations from the point of view that the genius in you created her concerns, that who she is is love and that it hurts her to know she isn't having a supportive loving effect on all her relationships. It invalidates who she holds herself to be; in short, you're slowly destroying your relationship with her. I'm assuming that conversations with your mother are civil and that she and you both feel "OK" when you hang up. My concern is that there could be covert hostility and subtle, if not overt, verbal abuse. "Subtle" would be in the form of condescension and self-righteousness, possibly experienced on her part as sexism. If your wife hears such abuses it should bother her because she intuits correctly that she's next. For her to silently condone such treatment will come back on her. That is to say, I'm wondering if you might not be suppressing some disrespect for your mother, knowing at some level it was she who chose to make staying with/empowering an alcoholic more important than providing a nurturing childhood for you—this is an example of one of the thousands of conversations you're supposed to have with your mother. I also suspect that you are suppressing some pain and hurt. Not to worry, your mind is handling things perfectly, smartly waiting for a safe space to complete some incompletes. The incompletes will surface through your daily interactions with your wife. All the thoughts withheld, all the stuffed disappointments, sadness, and anger (rationalized and explained by your mind), all the resentments and expressions of disrespect and contempt, etc. will come out in due time, through the loving support of your wife. The Clearing House supports these kinds of completions. Spouses discover that unsatisfying conversations their partner began with his/her parents must be recreated all over again, but this time through to mutual satisfaction. Your wife is right to be concerned. You've trained yourself to put up with abuse (I suspect you don't even think that what your parents did to you was abuse). She is going to have to be vigilant in clearing your mind of "minor" upsets and thoughts withheld, given that you don't have much experience communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously. For certain your mother was a work-alcoholic, still, I'm concerned for you and your apparent lack of compassion. If you hold yourself to be healthy, intelligent, and successful—certainly enough to attract a discerning loving wife—then no matter what your mind tells you, your mother did an excellent job. She certainly didn't do it the conventional way, however, communication is a function of intention. We know her intentions were honorable and selfless because of the way you turned out. Other parents use lots of words and hugs and family outings; we need only look at the condition of most relationships (and the 50% divorce rate) to see that doing things the "right" way doesn't always produce ones stated intentions. Re: "My wife thinks I have a problem...." When studying communication theory one discovers a unique communication model, one in which we create (in our mind) that we cause what another says to us. Using this model it could be said that you brilliantly chose a woman (albeit unconsciously) who supports you in cleaning up your relationship with your parents. To invalidate/thwart her (the implied communication being, "you're wrong, I don't have a problem and I don't care that it bothers you") is to invalidate your own genius. Arrogance and ego are two insidious barriers to the experience of communication. After a few failures to support your health, success, prosperity, your very enlightenment, you'll have trained her to give up; it's the beginning of the end of the experience of growth. On the other hand, if you surrender to her she'll see to it that your life is awesome. Re: "...it doesn't bother me." Something does or you wouldn't have written. 
The responsible way to recess or estrange someone from your life is to tell them why and to give them a curriculum for getting back in.
With aloha, Gabby * . . .it could simply be a natural knowingness about the importance of having a complete relationship with both parents. Check back occasionally for minor edits. (last edited 11/30/10)
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