DEAR ABBY: Our parents make my sister and me go with them to visit our grandparents one Saturday a month. They live two hours away. We don't like having to waste our Saturday this way. My sister and I are 15 and 16, and we're old enough to stay home alone. When we are there, all we do is sit there bored while our parents and grandparents talk.

Our grandparents show no interest in us, even though they tell our parents how much they "love" seeing us. Our parents say our grandparents are not in good health and may not be around much longer, so one Saturday a month isn't too much to ask.

The other day Mom overheard us in our room talking about how much we hate having to go over there, and she was furious. She said we were selfish and care about no one but ourselves, and she had better not hear that kind of talk again.

Please tell us what you think. —BORED TO DEATH IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR BORED TO DEATH: Sometimes when people grow older, they lose the knack of communicating with younger people. While visiting your grandparents may seem like a pain in the neck now, when you're older you may be glad that you did.

One way to bridge the generation gap would be for you and your sister to show some interest in them. Prepare a list of questions to ask them before you go to visit. You might be pleasantly surprised to find their answer a fascinating window on the past, and give you an insight about how your parents were raised.

Please consider what I have said. It will make visiting your grandparents less of an ordeal—and you might even learn something of value. —ABBY

[ top ]

For example: None of them, when they are in a room together, know to acknowledged the obvious boredom on your faces (like an elephant in the room). This is called being unconscious. An awake adult can see when you are incomplete (whatever look you have on your face when you are upset, or bored, or when you're hiding a lie/deceit (a withhold), when you're not in communication with someone, when you are not radiant, happy and joking). The non-verbal communication is so obvious that it begs to be addressed before continuing any conversation. They would then stop their conversation and ask you, "What's up?" or "What's going on?" In a family that communicates openly, this would be your invitation to tell your truths. "I'm bored."*

They are all stuck in ignorance. They are totally and completely unaware that both of you are bored and that you are being deceitful, that you are not communicating openly and honestly with them. They all hide thoughts from each other so they have lost their ability to see when you're hiding thoughts. It's called being out-integrity. A lifetime of withholding thoughts detracts from ones aliveness, ones very "health" (read Conversations in Support of Health). 

BTW: When you tell the truth the problem disappears. Once you told them, "I'm bored." you'd immediately be experiencing something else.

Your mother made you wrong for telling the truth. This was abusive. Worse yet, she closed the topic for life (". . . better not hear that kind of talk again") so now you both have to stuff those thoughts. Making others wrong and shutting down communication is a behavior you will definitely inherent from her so look for it with your children, and remember what it felt like. An awake mother would have said afterwards, perhaps later that day,

"I get that I made you wrong. I know that that was abusive. I get that I haven't included you in the conversations with your grandparents. I get that I have not been a safe space for you to tell me the truth. I get that your relationship with them has been boring for you. Keep letting me know your thoughts about this. Do let them know you have been bored the next time we visit them."

Secondly: Your grandparents are not in communication with you. They are unconscious. They've become stuck doing their imitation of communication. This is not your fault. They never studied how to get into communication with teenage girls. In their arrogance they thought these skills would come naturally. Nothing could be further from the truth. Whereas parents read books about raising children there are very few books or web sites for grandparents about how to support grandchildren (read Grandparenting—a communication-skills primer).

You both are of a different generation. You can see things that adults can no longer easily see. The hypocrisies you see amongst adults drive you bonkers; they actually generate confusion, some might say it's what drives teens to drugs. This confusion serves as a barrier to communication, especially reading comprehension in school. 

Your parents and grandparents are unconscious; it's not you. There's nothing wrong with you. All (yes all) the thoughts you have you're supposed to have. The way your grandparents talked with each other when they were young is totally different than how you and your sister talk with each other and with enlightened adults (if you're fortunate enough to know any).

So, what’s this really about? It’s about you learning how to communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, zero withholds. Not you and your sister, just you. You're supposed to use grandparents to learn how to communicate openly and spontaneously. You practice on them. Given that you're the one writing, your sister may or may not take advantage of this opportunity. If she chooses to continue withholding thoughts from people (beginning with family) then she will become like your grandparents and drive her grandchildren out of her life.

All young people come to this fork in the road. Most continue to operate from the decision to hide things from adults; they suffer the consequences of this deceit for life. They develop an "honest act" around adults but in truth hide all sorts of things from them, as though adults aren’t capable of hearing the truth. Fear takes over. Eventually they become addicted to withholding. They try to have an open, honest relationship with their life-partner but they hide one or two thoughts right at the very beginning which dooms the relationship to mediocrity and boredom; over 50% end in divorce.

What would work is for you to locate the incident, it’s a specific communication, an interaction, that was the turning point; before the incident your grandparents were great and fun, after which they weren’t—that incident needs to be shared with them, unless of course neither of you recall ever liking them, in which case you need to share with them your thoughts as to why you dislike them. Your sister needs to do the same, only separately, because her first incident might not be the same as yours.

You haven’t discovered the wonderfulness of grandparents. Most are so much more tolerant and accepting than birth parents—they are less likely to blow up over “little things.” You can talk about anything with them. You can say anything to them and they can get it. Because of memory lapses they laugh at all your old jokes, they'll watch reruns with you thinking it's the first time they saw the movie, and feign shock and awe and disapproval at the trends/fads you share with them. They love to be conned into taking you to the mall. Businesses persons pay lots of money for consultants but you've got two that you're not tapping into for free. You simply can’t be whole and complete until you're comfortable interacting with old folks.

Re: "The other day Mom overheard us in our room talking . . . " This is an irresponsible communication; it's covert blame. Communicated responsibly it would read, "I was so upset I manipulated my sister into complaining loud enough with me to make sure Mom 'overheard' us."

BTW: Many teens are driven to 'speak even louder' —as in misbehave, fail, do drugs, or get sick—any communication to bring to someone's attention the breakdown in communication within the family. Remember, parents most always honestly believe they are in communication with their teen.

* First person always. I'm bored, not, we're bored.

Do show this post to everyone. Your parents need to know that the way they have been communicating with you will most likely drive you into the arms of some boy who won't make you wrong for truthful spontaneity. I'm guessing that hugging your father has already become uncomfortable, if he doesn't ask for help he will drive you out of his life to seek affection.

With aloha, Gabby

P.S. Part of what their oldness is about, what makes them and their conversations boring, is that they have not tapped into your abilities (your inquisitiveness, your humor) to keep them young. They are dragging around a lifetime of verbally unacknowledged withholds and perpetrations. If you want to liven things up ask each, "What was the worst thing you ever did?" "What was the worst thing mom/dad ever did?" "What was your proudest accomplishment?" "Did you two have sex before you were married?" "Did you ever steal anything?" "Did either of you cheat on each other?" "Was grandma your first girlfriend?" "When were you two the happiest? —what happened to change things because you sure don't look happy now?" (clue—it's an incident). "Did you hide thoughts from your parents?" "Why?" Or, "What topics should we not talk about in front of you?" I guarantee you that if you ask a couple of these questions they will  be more energetic and alive afterwards than they have been for years.

It's your job to teach them how to communicate with you else they'll go their graves as unconscious bores.

Check back from time to time for minor edits. (last edited 1/6/12)