Communication tips in support of a harmonious marriage

Most heated arguments during a marriage are about earlier and similar ones each partner started and lost with a parent. Consequently, anger about burnt toast is usually dramatized because the source of the anger is not the toast; the toast merely triggers a childhood incomplete. It is in fact one's integrity setting up life to get caught for an incomplete, most often a childhood perpetration for which one is still blaming his/her parents. The incomplete being the blaming lie, that mom or dad started the incident. 

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross said, (paraphrased), genuine anger (anger that is only about this incident of burnt toast) lasts but a few seconds whereas dramatized anger (disproportionate/inappropriate anger that is mainly about something else) is always carried forward to another interaction. —Kerry, Communication Coach

To master mutually satisfying supportive communication one must first restore and continue to maintain a condition of integrity.

Following are tips in support or restoring and maintaining your integrity:

1) Acknowledge all childhood perpetrations to each other—all lies, thefts, deceptions, shunnings, and abuses to others, throughout childhood till now. To restore your integrity, to create space for communication to take place, you must share the stuff that if they knew you believe they would think less of, or even leave, you. Put another way, to cause another to believe you, that what you say is true, that you have developed the ability to communicate responsibly, you must come clean with them about your past. In so doing, it releases most if not all of the karma associated with life's perpetrations.

The thought you hide from your partner will serve as a barrier to the experience of communication. Until you restore your integrity all interchanges that take place between you and your fiancée will only be an imitation of communication—in communication coaching jargon this imitation is referred to as talking.

The minute you choose to withhold a perpetration or a thought you think will upset your partner it automatically, nonverbally, grants them permission to withhold their thought of choice from you. Later you will accuse him/her of deceiving you. You will “forget” that you started the deceit. It’s called blame.

It is unethical to misrepresent yourself. To do so invites undesirable consequences. Your partner will be trying to communicate with your “honest act” and not know why things aren’t working. They won’t know the whole you.

To read this tip and to consciously choose to hide something from your partner is to be masterminding your divorce.

2) Communicate to both sets of parents and your wedding guests and friends, “You have my word that I will call one or more of you at the first sign of a dissatisfaction or an unresolved upset.”

Tell both sets of parents and wedding guests exactly how you want them to handle you when you have your first incident, the one you could/will later use as one of the reasons for a divorce.

To hide an incident from your parents, in-laws, friends/wedding guests, and later dump it in their space, after you’ve decided to divorce, invalidates their ability to support you. To do so would be proof that you began masterminding a divorce using that incident as the starting point. All divorces begin with incident number one. If you don’t share it with a supporter it becomes the seed for your divorce.

3) Give the following instruction to both sets of parents and all wedding guests; “Do not let me dump blame in your space.” It’s best to have one special person/friend who has completed his/her experience of blame listen to you describe a problem. Such a person can hear blame even before the words come out.

Key words to listen for: “She never….” He always….” “She won’t listen to me.” “He won’t stop smoking.” “He wouldn’t answer my question.” “She lied to me.” All these are examples of blame; they are used to distract the listener away from the blamer's cause in the matter.

4) Share with your partner how you destroyed each of your previous relationships. Let him/her know what to expect when you get angry. Demonstrate to them your worst temper-tantrum (act it out). Tell them exactly how they should handle you and what to say to you when you are caught up in your relationship-destroying behavior.

5) Communicate to your betrothed, as part of your wedding vow, in front of all guests, “I agree to remain faithful to you. If I cheat on you I insist that you file for an immediate annulment which I will not contest. I will leave the house immediately and live on the street if necessary. I agree now to forfeit all rights to sue for support, possessions, and living accommodations and I leave all settlements to your discretion. Under no circumstances are you to let me talk you into not effecting an annulment.”**

It’s best to go over your wedding vows with someone who is clear, someone who will catch any lies/errors/omissions. Agreeing to a vow in which you don’t yet have the ability to honor is irresponsible—to do so will have undesirable consequences. It's most likely that you are not yet reliable and trustworthy, you can’t be trusted to consistently show up on time and do all the things you tell another you’ll do.

A lie, or a thought withheld, on your wedding day is the beginning of the end of the growth and expansion in the relationship. Just because you are unaware of your lie doesn’t stop it from having a consequence. To vow, “…till death do us part” is the surest way to destroy a marriage. If later you find yourself divorced you’ll have discovered that you lied on your wedding day (without even knowing you lied).

After reading these tips you can no longer say you didn’t know. Please show these tips to your partner.

With love,

Gabby

* Communication is different than talking. Most of us have mastered talking. Talking produces certain predictable problems (especially unwanted ones that persist) whereas with communication, problems are created and solved through to mutual satisfaction.

Elaboration #1 Students are introduced to the fundamentals and principles of communication (the purpose of Sp/Com classes) throughout his/her formal education, thereafter it's all trial and error on their own. Public schools, colleges, and universities do not yet offer communication mastery courses, in part because students must be willing to restore their integrity, and, confront and complete their experiences of anger, abuse, arrogance, and ego (including all childhood communications in which one or both parties didn't end up feeling good). They must demonstrate the ability to both create anger and to recreate another's anger. Many participants quit a communication mastery course, something a tuition-dependent school cannot afford to have happen. The tricks they used with parents and others (to get them to back off and give up) do not work in such a curriculum. An important part of a communication mastery curriculum is restoring your integrity (see The Clearing Process —five clearing per day for five days in a row). Because universities teach and use the Adversarial Communication Model, which in coaching terms is referred to as an imitation of communication, they graduate education majors who try to communicate subject matter, try to get students and parents to honor homework agreements, and try to get legislators to fund their wants. Once a teacher has mastered communication they then have the ability to communicate subject matter to all their students, no excuses or reasons. (more)

Elaboration #2 With a couple whose relationship is shattered (neither can look at the other except that anger or other knee-jerk reactions pop up) it works to make a three-hour coaching appointment. A coaching consultation can preclude having to spend enormous sums on divorce attorneys. Sometime during the consultation, after a considerable number of exchanges facilitated by the coach, both will re-experience the love that is there under the anger. They most likely will still divorce however they will do so supportively and lovingly.