Communication tips in support of a harmonious marriage
Of equal
consequence is the fact that your deceit instantaneously,
automatically, causes (yes
causes) your date to withhold a
specific deal-breaking thought from you. 44+ years coaching
thousands I've never run across an exception to this
entanglement phenomenon—unacknowledged perpetrations affect
outcomes for life.
Most heated arguments during a marriage are
about earlier and similar ones each partner started and lost
with a parent. Consequently, anger about burnt toast is
usually dramatized because the source of the anger is not
the toast; the toast merely triggers a childhood
incomplete. It is in fact one's
integrity
setting up life to get caught for an incomplete, most often
a childhood
perpetration for which one is still blaming his/her
parents. The incomplete being the blaming lie, that mom or
dad started the incident. 1) Acknowledge all childhood perpetrations to
each other—all lies, thefts, deceptions, shunnings, and
abuses to others, throughout childhood till now. To restore
your integrity, to create space for communication to take
place, you must share the stuff that if they knew you
believe they would think less of, or even leave, you. Put
another way, to cause another to believe you, that what you
say is true, that you have developed the ability to
communicate responsibly, you must come clean with them about
your past. In so doing, it releases most if not all of the
karma associated with life's perpetrations. The thought you hide from your
partner will serve as a barrier to the experience of
communication. Until you restore your integrity all
interchanges that take place between you and your fiancé
will only be an imitation of communication; in communication
coaching jargon this imitation is referred to as talking. The minute you choose to withhold
a perpetration or a thought you think will upset your
partner it automatically, nonverbally, causes (yes
causes) them
to withhold their thought of choice from you.
Later you will accuse him/her of deceiving you. You will
"forget" that you started the deceit. It's called blame. It is unethical to misrepresent
yourself as an honest person. To do so invites undesirable consequences. Your
partner will be trying to communicate with your "honest act" and not know why things aren't working. They won't know the
whole you. To read this tip and consciously choose to
continue hiding something from your partner is to
be masterminding your divorce; it's premeditated abuse.
2) Communicate to both sets of parents and your
wedding guests (see
Wedding Guest Vow) and friends, "You have my word, I will
call one or more of you at the first sign of a
dissatisfaction or an unresolved upset." Tell both sets of parents and
wedding guests exactly how you want them to handle you when
you have your first incident, the one you could/will later
use as one of the reasons for a divorce.
To hide an incident from your
parents, in-laws, friends/wedding guests, and later dump it
in their space, after you've decided to divorce, invalidates
their ability to support you. To do so would be proof that
you began masterminding a divorce using that incident as the
starting point. All divorces begin with incident number one.
If you don't share it with a supporter it becomes the seed
for your divorce.
3) Give the
following instruction to both sets of parents and all
wedding guests; "Do not let me dump blame in your space."
It's best to have a special person/friend, one
who has completed his/her experience of blame, listen to you
describe a problem. Such a person can hear blame even before
the words come out.
Key words to listen for: "She
never..." "He always..." "She lied to me." "She won't listen to me."
"He won't
stop smoking." "He wouldn't answer my question." These examples of blame are used to
distract the listener away from the blamer's cause in the
matter.
4) Share with your partner how you destroyed
each of your previous relationships. Let him/her know what
to expect when you get angry. Demonstrate to them your worst
temper-tantrum (act it out). Tell them exactly how they
should handle you and what to say to you when you are caught
up in your relationship-destroying behavior.
5) Communicate to your betrothed, as part of
your wedding vow, in front of all guests, "I agree to remain
faithful to you. If I cheat on you I insist that you file
for an immediate annulment which I will not contest. I will
leave the house immediately and live on the street if
necessary. I agree now to forfeit all rights to sue for
support, possessions, and living accommodations and I leave
all settlements to your discretion. Under no circumstances
are you to let me talk you into not effecting an
annulment."** It's best to go over your wedding
vows with someone who is relatively conscious, someone who will catch any
lies/errors/omissions. Agreeing to a vow in which you don't
yet have the ability to honor is irresponsible; to do so will
have undesirable consequences. It's most likely that you are
not yet reliable and trustworthy, you can't be trusted to
consistently show up on time and do all the things you tell
another you'll do.
A lie, or a thought withheld, on
your wedding day is the beginning of the end of the growth
and expansion in the relationship. Just because you are
unaware of your lie doesn't stop it from having a
consequence. To vow, "till death do us part" is the surest
way to destroy a marriage. If later you find yourself
divorced you'll have discovered that you lied on your
wedding day (without even knowing you lied).
After reading these tips you can
no longer say you didn't know. Please show these tips to
your partner. *
Communication is different than talking. Most of us have
mastered talking. Talking produces certain predictable
problems (especially unwanted ones that persist) whereas
with communication, problems are created and solved through
to mutual satisfaction.
Elaboration #1 Throughout their formal education students are
introduced to
the fundamentals and principles of communication (the
mandate of all Speech/Communication classes), thereafter, it's
all trial and error on their own. Public schools, colleges,
universities and
academies
do not yet offer
(therefore require)
Leadership Training, in part because students during such a
training must be willing to restore their integrity, and,
confront and complete their experiences of anger, abuse,
arrogance, and ego (including all childhood communications
in which one or both parties didn't end up feeling good).
They must demonstrate the ability to both create anger and
to recreate another's anger. Many participants quit
Leadership Training, something a tuition-dependent school cannot afford
to have happen. The tricks (anger, pouting, silence) they used with parents and others
(to get them to back off and give up) do not work in such a
curriculum. An important part of every Leadership Training
curriculum is restoring your integrity (see
The Clearing Process ). Because universities teach and use the
Adversarial Communication Model, which in coaching terms is
referred to as an
imitation of communication, they graduate education
majors who are deceiving their own parents, who then
try to communicate subject matter
to students,
try
to get students and parents to honor homework agreements,
and try
to get legislators to fund their wants. Once a teacher has
mastered communication they then have the ability to
communicate subject matter to all their students, no excuses
or reasons. (more)
Elaboration #2 With a couple whose relationship
is shattered (neither can look at the other except that
anger or other knee-jerk reactions pop up) it works to make
a
three-hour coaching appointment. A coaching consultation
can preclude having to spend enormous sums on divorce
attorneys. Sometime during the consultation, after a
considerable number of exchanges facilitated by the coach,
both will re-experience the love that is there under the
anger. They most likely will still divorce however they will
do so supportively and lovingly.
** Read Creating a marriage vow that precludes cheating.
Do print out this tip and share it with your partner.
Last edited 12/17/20 To post comments, feedback or questions use Gabby's Forum
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