Gabby's Tip: An inconsiderate gift to give a prospective partner

An inconsiderate gift to give a prospective partner.

Besides not telling your date that you have herpes, or withholding from him/her that you've been in one or more physically abusive relationships, the most inconsiderate gift you can give a prospective partner is to introduce them to your dysfunctional family—it's definitely not a gift of love. I.e. Family members who are condescending, abusive, deceitful, unethical, sexist, racist, bigoted, addicted, argumentive.

The same goes for introducing a date to your single parent who still blames and badmouths his/her ex for the divorce. I.e. "He was abusive." "She cheated on me." "He divorced me." —all blame statements. In other words, if your date is an enabler of dysfunctional parents all his relatives will eventually, unconsciously, be psychically teaching your child (their grandchild) how to blame.*

An addiction to blaming is as difficult to cure as is an addiction to drugs. —Dr. Drew Pinsky

What's worse, you would be submitting your parents to people whom they would never choose to relate with socially. To dump such relationships on your parents would reveal that your parents did not inspire you to honor them by selecting a partner that your family will like and get along with, a family that will compliment the clan. It would also reveal that you have one or more major withholds (unacknowledged perpetrations-deceits) in your relationship with your parents, therefore, you'll bring this addiction to withholding, deceiving and thwarting** into any new relationship.

And the biggie—you'll be submitting your child-to-be to abusive grandparents who will negatively impact your child. One interaction with an abusive adult relative is all it takes for a child to be imprinted negatively for life.

When you introduce (submit) a prospective partner to parents of whom you are not proud—parents who are stuck in mediocrity, parents who are abusive to each other and you—it ain't love. To do so forces your "new loved one" to compromise their integrity (to withhold certain thoughts) so as to have a relationship with you. You already know that your family will eventually treat any possible partner as they do you and each other.*** This is abusive, even worse, after reading this, it would be premeditated.

Because your family doesn't communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously, through to mutual satisfaction, your date will find themselves withholding thoughts when they are around your parents; they'll do this so as to please you and to make a "good" impression. Later, when your date returns home, his/her parents will ask, "What are they like?" Your date will find themselves badmouthing your parents behind yours and their backs.

For example: "It's pretty bad—the house is a mess. His parents are rude and argumentative; they yell a lot. His father is an angry couch potato who communicates condescendingly to his wife. His mother acts like a powerless wimp who in fact causes the abuse. I didn't see/hear any expressions of love between them. And he, my date, non-verbally empowers his parents in abusing each other. There's lots of strained laughter about things that are not really funny; there's no joy or happiness between them. My date was late; I had to ask him to acknowledge being late and he replied with a make-wrong, 'Hey, it was only a few minutes.'"

Put another way, if you, using your present leadership-communication skills, have not had a positive effect on the harmony, health, prosperity, and happiness of your own parents, then you have been trained to put up with mediocrity and abuse. You are run by fear; you will not be able to positively support a new partner/spouse. You will in fact discover yourself withholding as many thoughts from your new partner as you withhold from your parents.

Note: The majority of girls are addicted to abusing and being abused (mostly condescending verbal abuse) by both parents. It usually looks like one parent is "worse" than the other but the silent one always non-verbally empowers the other. A girl from a dysfunctional family is often unable to tell when another is being condescending, as such she unconsciously searches for (magnetically attracts) a partner who communicates as her parents do because she mistakes criticism and condescending humor for love. A teen boy unconsciously searches for a "sneaky" girl, who like himself, doesn't communicate honestly with his parents—he knows she can be conned into having sex behind the backs of both sets of parents. This last sentence communicated responsibly should read: She will, using her "innocent naive act," con him into begging for sex behind the backs of both families—hopefully to con him into impregnating and marrying her so as to get away from her abusive family, as though they were more abusive than her.

What can you do? You can responsibly estrange yourself from your parents until you can consistently have mutually satisfying conversations with them. The communication-skill you're aiming for is for you to acknowledge each and every abusive communication. I.e. When you hear a family member being abusive you will be able to mention it and they will always reply, "I got that that didn't feel good. Thanks for catching me." Done consistently, the addiction to abusing and being abused will disappear.

* "blame" There are no victims or bullies in a primary abusive relationship—only consenting sparring partners—both addicted to abusing and being abused and to blaming each other. Invariably, the "victim" tries to convince others that they are not as abusive or not the cause of the abuse.

** "thwarting" It's most likely your parents envisioned that you would attract an educated, mature, employed, happy, uplifting partner. If you know your parents would not enjoy dinner conversations with a date's parents, then you know you have thwarted their wishes, that you've manipulated your parents into accepting mediocrity.

*** The responsible way to talk about your abusive parents with any new date is to let your date know (up-front, so that they have a choice)**** that you don't interact with your parents at all, that you have estranged yourself from them until they've completed x hrs of therapy. "I won't be introducing you to them, will that be a problem for you? I had to estrange myself from them so as to not empower the abuse—to remove myself as the cause of the abuse between them. They have decided to not do counseling/therapy. I have been addressing my addiction to enabling abuse."

**** Upfront rather than hook them with your seduction—do this before you dump your dysfunctional relationship with your family in their space. In other words, a dysfunctional family requires the same ethical discloser as if you had HIV. Once you've estranged yourself from your family you may then date freely with the understanding that you will let dates know about the estrangement.