It can also be a breakdown within oneself—such as
inaccurate/incomplete data. i.e. If one believes that all
Muslims are bad then the believer's life will consist of
adversarial communications that will not be mutually
satisfying—ergo a life with little or no joy.
partner or parent who cannot/will not read this entire page
is creating someone withholding thoughts from them. Put
another way, shutting down your mind causes your
partner/child to not communicate openly and honestly with
you; she/he has absolutely no choice but to mirror your
communication model, your integrity. It's no accident that
you are reading this today.
It's assumed that anyone thinking about asking Gabby a
question already knows, from reading any Gabby Reply, that
Gabby supports describing a problem responsibly, from cause;
that is to say, someone who is not stuck in there own
blaming drama can predict with considerable certainty
Gabby's reply to a blaming narrative.
When you hide
certain things (thoughts, judgments, opinions, perpetrations)
from another you create a reality in which others have no choice
other than to withhold certain thoughts from you in order to maintain a
relationship with you. You automatically cause (unconsciously
intend) them to hide things (his/her items of choice) from you.
They know intuitively that they have found in you someone who
will not require open and honest communication.
This pact, this
agreement, this contract to not communicate openly, honestly,
and spontaneously gets communicated non-verbally as you
introduce yourself to any eventual partner ( it's an aura
thing). When you
discover someone has deceived you, when they have withheld something
significant from you it is
irrefutable proof that you are the source of the dishonesty in
your life and relationships—because, you'll notice that you
began the deceit by withholding something from them—(you brought
your addiction to withholding certain thoughts from your parents
into the first meeting)—this applies
to all "victims" of cheating.
If you begin a
relationship communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously,
the other has no choice other than to follow suit. The item you hide,
the first thought withheld, creates a condition of
out-integrity. The withhold becomes as ". . . a mote in thine
eye." All interactions thereafter are but an imitation of
communication. If your partner can't tell you're withholding
something from them then they too are withholding something from
you. Unconscious withholders attract unconscious withholders.
In all cases in
which you suspect another of deceit (of hiding something from
you) you will notice that you are withholding something, an
acknowledgment (in the form of a judgment, a criticism, a
perpetration, a truth), or your love and support, from them.
There are absolutely no exceptions to this phenomenon.
A person addicted
to blaming tenaciously resists acknowledging that he/she is the
source of, the cause of, the starter of, the deceit in the
relationship. Such a mind resists being responsible, it doesn't
want to acknowledge that it has not been a safe space for others
to tell the truth.
What I've noticed
is that quite often advice columnists advise and support deceit.
Shall I tell my
husband about my past affairs?
implied advice being—keep deceiving him—there is
absolutely no correlation between your integrity and
the health, happiness, success, and prosperity of
yourself, your spouse and children)
Should I tell
my grandchild that he is adopted?
implied advice being—continue to train your child to
not be truthful, support him/her in raising your
grandchild to be equally deceitful and confused).
The answer, per the
military academy code
of honor: Tell your
child: "Either you
tell my grandchild or I will."
Should I tell
my mother that I had an abortion when I was 15?
implied advice being—whether you are open and honest
with your mother has absolutely no bearing on your
relationship with your spouse)
My _______ is
dying, should I tell them the truth?
implied advice being—let sleeping dogs lie. Let them
die deceived.) This ignores the possibility that
the person's health may be a consequence of the
unacknowledged deceits in their life.
requires reasons and justifications which remain locked in ones
mind for the duration of the deceit, occupying space, keeping
one from being whole and complete. The truth frees the mind.
Thoughts withheld sap ones creativity, thereby causing more of
the same less-than-desirable results. All authors, artists,
poets, and composers who have a mental/creativity block are
withholding something from someone.
The success of
Abby's and Ann's columns clearly indicate that most readers
subscribe to their philosophy. The majority also silently
support police "sting" operations.
The vast majority
of readers cannot imagine a relationship in which there are zero
secrets or thoughts withheld. We have been brought up reading
advice columns. We have come to believe that hiding the truth is
The fact that a problem persists is proof of an out-integrity.
It reveals that there is a lie somewhere. A lie causes a problem
to persist. Once the truth is told the problem disappears. It
creates space for a new more desirable problem.
In each of the
above "Reader" examples if
the truth were told the person would have an entirely new set of
problems, and, an opportunity to re-create the relationship on a
foundation of integrity. Relationships that were of expanding
value would continue to be so and those that were unhealthy or
damaging could be completed.
the reason for a deceit invalidates the person from whom the
secret is being withheld, as though they are not big enough,
or capable of getting, understanding, or forgiving. This is
called arrogance. It keeps another small. In truth, secrets
are held for survival reasons—for fear of . . .
A secret hides
a part of who you are, which means the other is having a
relationship with someone they don't truly or totally know.
The other person is confused and they don't know why. It is
impossible for another to experience being in communication
with your "honest" act. To withhold a thought from a loved
one is to be unconsciously masterminding the end of the
relationship, minimally, preventing the experience of growth
and aliveness and any possibility of living from joy.
Most people are
unaware that verbally unacknowledged deceit is written on their
face and in their aura ("verbally" meaning, not verbally
communicated to the person on whom the deceit is perpetrated.
The word "verbally" is important because in truth deceit is
being communicated nonverbally and is always having an effect,
affecting all outcomes). People don't know what you are hiding,
just that you are hiding something. There is in fact an aura of
semi-untrustworthiness that emanates from you. There is no space
for the experience of communication with someone who is hiding
something. They are doomed to a life of talking; talking
serves as a barrier to the experience of communication. Love,
joy, and happiness are by-products of communication.
presents another point of view. Ultimately it works to have a
choice among alternative points of view. It is understood that
few would/will act upon Gabby's advice, the site is educational
only; the letters and the replies primarily serve as reference
material for our tutorial participants. Gabby's replies
communicate to the mind of the letter writer, often others can
see themselves and get value, if so, that's wonderful.
reading this entire page.
President, Community Communications
If you liked
this letter please press the "I like" button. Upon pressing the
button you'll be taken directly to the