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Gabby's Viewpoint

It could be said that this page is a test. You may use it to measure your integrity and to see if you are supportable (willing to be contributed to). The test is to see if your mind will allow you to read the entire page. If you find yourself resisting reading it through to the end then it's possible your integrity is out. Possibly your mind won't allow another point of view to mess with its reality—your mind could be protecting a lie. It's not that this page contains any usable truths, merely that once you allow the following content into your mind your all-knowing self will simply be with it and eventually act upon any truths herein. Someone stuck in arrogance simply can't continue reading—arrogance is a barrier to anyone making a contribution to you.

Each of the problems described in the letters reveal a breakdown in communication within the family, organization, or relationship. It can also be a breakdown within oneself—such as inaccurate/incomplete data. i.e. If one believes that all Muslims are bad then the believer's life will consist of adversarial communications that will not be mutually satisfying—ergo a life with little or no joy.

Premises:

1. The partner or parent who cannot/will not read this entire page is creating someone withholding thoughts from them. Put another way, shutting down your mind causes your partner/child to not communicate openly and honestly with you; she/he has absolutely no choice but to mirror your communication model, your integrity. It's no accident that you are reading this today. 

2. It's assumed that anyone thinking about asking Gabby a question already knows, from reading any Gabby Reply, that Gabby supports describing a problem responsibly, from cause; that is to say, someone who is not  stuck in there own blaming drama can predict with considerable certainty Gabby's reply to a blaming narrative.

When you hide certain things (thoughts, judgments, opinions, perpetrations) from another you create a reality in which others have no choice other than to withhold certain thoughts from you in order to maintain a relationship with you. You automatically cause (unconsciously intend) them to hide things (his/her items of choice) from you. They know intuitively that they have found in you someone who will not require open and honest communication.

This pact, this agreement, this contract to not communicate openly, honestly, and spontaneously gets communicated non-verbally as you introduce yourself to any eventual partner ( it's an aura thing).  When you discover someone has deceived you, when they have withheld something significant from you it is irrefutable proof that you are the source of the dishonesty in your life and relationships—because, you'll notice that you began the deceit by withholding something from them—(you brought your addiction to withholding certain thoughts from your parents into the first meeting)—this applies to all "victims" of cheating.

If you begin a relationship communicating openly, honestly, and spontaneously, the other has no choice other than to follow suit. The item you hide, the first thought withheld, creates a condition of out-integrity. The withhold becomes as ". . . a mote in thine eye." All interactions thereafter are but an imitation of communication. If your partner can't tell you're withholding something from them then they too are withholding something from you. Unconscious withholders attract unconscious withholders.

In all cases in which you suspect another of deceit (of hiding something from you) you will notice that you are withholding something, an acknowledgment (in the form of a judgment, a criticism, a perpetration, a truth), or your love and support, from them. There are absolutely no exceptions to this phenomenon.

A person addicted to blaming tenaciously resists acknowledging that he/she is the source of, the cause of, the starter of, the deceit in the relationship. Such a mind resists being responsible, it doesn't want to acknowledge that it has not been a safe space for others to tell the truth.

What I've noticed is that quite often advice columnists advise and support deceit.

For example:

Reader's question:   Shall I tell my husband about my past affairs?

Columnist's
answer:
 
"No."  (the implied advice being—keep deceiving him—there is absolutely no correlation between your integrity and the health, happiness, success, and prosperity of yourself, your spouse and children)
     
Reader's question:   Should I tell my grandchild that he is adopted?

Columnist's
answer:
 
"No." (the implied advice being—continue to train your child to not be truthful, support him/her in raising your grandchild to be equally deceitful and confused). The answer, per the military academy code of honor: Tell your child: "Either you tell my grandchild or I will."
     
Reader's question:   Should I tell my mother that I had an abortion when I was 15?

Columnist's
answer:
 
"No." (the implied advice being—whether you are open and honest with your mother has absolutely no bearing on your relationship with your spouse)
     
Reader's question:   My _______ is dying,  should I tell them the truth?

Columnist's
answer:
 
"No." (the implied advice being—let sleeping dogs lie. Let them die deceived.)  This ignores the possibility that the person's health may be a consequence of the unacknowledged deceits in their life.

Deceit always requires reasons and justifications which remain locked in ones mind for the duration of the deceit, occupying space, keeping one from being whole and complete. The truth frees the mind. Thoughts withheld sap ones creativity, thereby causing more of the same less-than-desirable results. All authors, artists, poets, and composers who have a mental/creativity block are withholding something from someone.

The success of Abby's and Ann's columns clearly indicate that most readers subscribe to their philosophy. The majority also silently support police "sting" operations.

The vast majority of readers cannot imagine a relationship in which there are zero secrets or thoughts withheld. We have been brought up reading advice columns. We have come to believe that hiding the truth is sometimes acceptable.

Problems: The fact that a problem persists is proof of an out-integrity. It reveals that there is a lie somewhere. A lie causes a problem to persist. Once the truth is told the problem disappears. It creates space for a new more desirable problem.

In each of the above "Reader" examples if the truth were told the person would have an entirely new set of problems, and, an opportunity to re-create the relationship on a foundation of integrity. Relationships that were of expanding value would continue to be so and those that were unhealthy or damaging could be completed.

Quite often the reason for a deceit invalidates the person from whom the secret is being withheld, as though they are not big enough, or capable of getting, understanding, or forgiving. This is called arrogance. It keeps another small. In truth, secrets are held for survival reasons—for fear of . . .

A secret hides a part of who you are, which means the other is having a relationship with someone they don't truly or totally know. The other person is confused and they don't know why. It is impossible for another to experience being in communication with your "honest" act. To withhold a thought from a loved one is to be unconsciously masterminding the end of the relationship, minimally, preventing the experience of growth and aliveness and any possibility of living from joy.

Most people are unaware that verbally unacknowledged deceit is written on their face and in their aura ("verbally" meaning, not verbally communicated to the person on whom the deceit is perpetrated. The word "verbally" is important because in truth deceit is being communicated nonverbally and is always having an effect, affecting all outcomes). People don't know what you are hiding, just that you are hiding something. There is in fact an aura of semi-untrustworthiness that emanates from you. There is no space for the experience of communication with someone who is hiding something. They are doomed to a life of talking; talking serves as a barrier to the experience of communication. Love, joy, and happiness are by-products of communication.

Dear Gabby presents another point of view. Ultimately it works to have a choice among alternative points of view. It is understood that few would/will act upon Gabby's advice, the site is educational only; the letters and the replies primarily serve as reference material for our tutorial participants. Gabby's replies communicate to the mind of the letter writer, often others can see themselves and get value, if so, that's wonderful.

Congrats for reading this entire page.

Kerrith H. (Kerry) King
President, Community Communications

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