Dating woman great, except for her immature children. / Am I that immature?

Dear Annie: I've been dating "Bonnie" for six months, and it's been great. We really are ideal for each other. We are in love, and it all seems too good to be true.

The problem is that I'm the first person Bonnie has dated since she separated from her husband six years ago. She caters to her kids, and they are extremely spoiled. Her 16-year-old-daughter refuses to make her own food or clean her room. She won't even get herself a drink of water. She'll call out to her mother, and Bonnie will get her the water just so she'll stop complaining. The 13-year-old is a mama's boy.

Neither child will accept me, even though we've never formally met. They want her home with them and refuse to allow Bonnie to be happy. Bonnie has met my kids, and they like and respect her. Do I let her children's immaturity ruin our relationship, or do I stick it out? People tell me it's just that the kids are teenagers, but I don't think so. My children are exactly the same ages and don't behave that way. What do I do? —Lost in New York

Annie's Reply:

Dear Lost: Unless Bonnie demands some respect and consideration from her children, she will not get it and neither will you. Bonnie may believe such coddling is a form of love, but in reality, she is being a lazy parent. It's hard work to properly discipline children and teach them how to be independent, mature, responsible adults, and it's so much easier to give in and give up, but she is doing them no favors. If you want to stick it out, that's up to you, but it will be an uphill battle without Bonnie's cooperation. —Annie

Gabby's Reply:

Hi Lost: I get "lost." Yours is a difficult lesson. Dating someone with children requires that you love everything about all of them. Wanting to change the way she handles her children and wanting to change them is not love. No mature man would have dated her let alone a second time. "How are your children about you dating?" is a very important question to ask a prospective date, second only to, "How's your relationship with your ex?" Both questions trigger conversations the successes of which determine the possibilities. Such discussions reveal if there are incompletes that will serve as barriers to a new relationship. Her incomplete relationships with her parents, her ex, and her children, are written on her face, it's an aura thing. You couldn't see it because you are equally unconscious. In short, she is incomplete looking for a relationship so as to be complete, as opposed to bringing her complete successful, happy, self to a relationship. Have you given thought as to how it will affect your children, bringing such "spoiled" children into their life and expecting them to get along well? That's not a gift of love. It's even worse than that. That Bonnie would unconsciously submit you to such treatment is not love. My sense is that she is in denial. It would be difficult for her to acknowledge that her children behave abusively; they have no choice but to mirror her leadership-communication skills. Put another way, you have fallen in love with her "nice" act. She's hiding from you how she destroyed her marriage. She has mastered the art of causing others to treat her abusively and disrespectfully. Over time you would become aware of just how much you disrespect her for how she sets it up for her children to abuse her. A responsible single parent would have gotten clear with the children, up front, if they were happy for her and eager to support her in dating, and if they'd be willing to treat you with respect. I.e. Knowing when it's time for a divorced parent to begin dating. It's supposed to be a fun and exciting adventure for everyone. That she trained them to behave this way should be a clue as to how they will treat you the outsider who will come in and try to teach them manners and responsibility. Remember, her parents tried and failed with her and still are failing with their grandchildren. If their behavior was a problem for her she would have already enrolled her family in counseling in support of the success of her relationship with you. It's clearly not that important to her. Often children of strict parents opt for permissivness in an attempt to be right that it can be done without angry yelling. As a mother she has no business dating. She doesn't have the support of her children. They are harboring and dramatizing upsets, disrespects, and resentments that have accumulated due to her inability to cause communication to take place between them. No matter what you think or what you believe, what's taking place between you and her is not communication. It's called talking. Talking always causes unwanted problems to persist. Communication disappears problems. In truth, her children are mirroring your communication model, that of stuffing and withholding thoughts. If you were committed to open, honest, and spontaneous communication, you would have handled and completed, through to mutual satisfaction, the first uncomfortable/disrespectful verbal/non-verbal communication you heard or heard about. Of course, to share your experience honestly you would have had to be willing to not have her. You ask, "Do I let her children's immaturity ruin our relationship . . .?" It's too late. It's already ruined; and, you're blaming the children for your own immaturity. It's irresponsibly immature to date an immature person. Re: ". . . and refuse to allow Bonnie to be happy." I assure you her children are not the source of her unhappiness. Re: "We really are ideal for each other." Nope; you've both brilliantly magnetically attracted someone to mirror your immaturities, just how unconscious you both are. If we change "are ideal" to "have been ideal," I'd agree. You have served each other and could still be great friends but you both need extensive counseling and coaching before either of you are ready to be a co-parenting spouse. If you keep hanging around her you will keep her stuck. You simply don't have the leadership-communication skills to effect supportive harmony with her. You don't have to marry everyone you love. If you'd like to know karmically what this is about for you do The [free] Clearing Process —she's mirroring something about you for you. —Gabby  Comments Add Image   Not using Html Comment Box  yet? Use this Comment form for comments/feedback. To ask a question please go to Dear Gabby's Message Board (free - registration required). Last edited 12/10/21